If the subcontext of everything is
That open ended heading is fully awake in my thoughts. There's a part of me that's dominated and filtered the majority of my decisions and actions since childhood. Related to being bullied pre-puberty, and believing myself never a man, or man enough. There's a lot of nuance to that, and it's not the real focus of this post.
What I really want to explore is what truly fed and led me toward a never ending mental and physical sabotage of my life.
In yesterday's therapy, our CBT took me to see how failed attachment (which I've studied) and therefore a lack from a concerned care giver left me nowhere but inward to deal with my traumas. I've covered a lot of this ground, but yesterday it simplified what I kept believing is a complex living obsession.
That simplification, was to pinpoint how I've seen through my obsession with failing to start nor complete puberty, and then live less-than for what's gone on for decades. I've not accepted myself as a person, nor worthy of the benefit of friends or a partner because of this lifelong obsession. I want to emphasize the impact that's had on degrading my life. Then, to note that the opening of this paragraph is "simplification" and that the last paragraph noted "failed attachment". I studied "Reactive Attachment Disorder" a while ago, and now I need to revisit it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder in-adults
Certain behaviors as well as inner emotional experiences indicate reactive attachment disorder in adults. These signs and symptoms include:
Detachment
Withdrawal from connections
Inability to develop and maintain significant relationships, romantic or otherwise
Inability to show affection
Resistance to giving and receiving love despite craving it
Control issues
Anger problems
Impulsivity
Sense of distrust
Inability to fully grasp emotions
Feelings of loneliness and emptiness
Lack of a sense of belonging
Then, note what symptoms there are for children and teens
I know all of them. I can't entirely perceive my childhood as neglect, I can see the emotional neglect. That's where my perceptions lead to fixate on my known trauma pain, instead of the experience that led me to fixate and obsess. I had nobody to turn to, no-one was safe enough to engage emotionally, nor did I understand that. How could I, adrift without examples of bonding nor social behavior, nor a long term benefit of being among those whose relationships showed any example to emulate. Being adrift is a lousy way to grow up.
There seems to have been an autonomy, a freedom, but it was to be let loose without direction nor intuition of what is expected, nor how to navigate what I'm thrust into. That's why I fixated on vigilance and obsession to avoid everything about relationships, or sex, or friends, or social events, etc...
I had a short window where I found myself acting outside of this discovery. I was in my early 20's, and had seemingly made new friends. I dove deep into being a friend for a few years. I tried so hard. What I failed at, was to notice that I set myself up to make friends with people who would eventually leave and likely never come back. I have maintained a connection to a few of them though, distant, but a few connections. It's from then on that, when I tried, I again failed to feel connected, and instead felt outside what was going on. I did a lot of drugs for those years. It's been since then, these past near 19 years of sobriety, that I find myself finally seeing more about what work I've yet to do.
It's daunting, and here is where I've made my connection, here on MS, where I've said "my friend" to many. It's now that I know I mean it more than ever before. I see what's wrong with me, and I see what I want to do, and I see how hard it's going to be.
I'll be antsy for the upgrade to complete, and restart writing my plans and hopes.
I hope to keep responding and supporting here, and finding my way.
Feedback is always welcome. Many now know a lot about me. There's more of me on these pages than in my own journal.
What I really want to explore is what truly fed and led me toward a never ending mental and physical sabotage of my life.
In yesterday's therapy, our CBT took me to see how failed attachment (which I've studied) and therefore a lack from a concerned care giver left me nowhere but inward to deal with my traumas. I've covered a lot of this ground, but yesterday it simplified what I kept believing is a complex living obsession.
That simplification, was to pinpoint how I've seen through my obsession with failing to start nor complete puberty, and then live less-than for what's gone on for decades. I've not accepted myself as a person, nor worthy of the benefit of friends or a partner because of this lifelong obsession. I want to emphasize the impact that's had on degrading my life. Then, to note that the opening of this paragraph is "simplification" and that the last paragraph noted "failed attachment". I studied "Reactive Attachment Disorder" a while ago, and now I need to revisit it.
Reactive Attachment Disorder in-adults
Certain behaviors as well as inner emotional experiences indicate reactive attachment disorder in adults. These signs and symptoms include:
Detachment
Withdrawal from connections
Inability to develop and maintain significant relationships, romantic or otherwise
Inability to show affection
Resistance to giving and receiving love despite craving it
Control issues
Anger problems
Impulsivity
Sense of distrust
Inability to fully grasp emotions
Feelings of loneliness and emptiness
Lack of a sense of belonging
Then, note what symptoms there are for children and teens
I know all of them. I can't entirely perceive my childhood as neglect, I can see the emotional neglect. That's where my perceptions lead to fixate on my known trauma pain, instead of the experience that led me to fixate and obsess. I had nobody to turn to, no-one was safe enough to engage emotionally, nor did I understand that. How could I, adrift without examples of bonding nor social behavior, nor a long term benefit of being among those whose relationships showed any example to emulate. Being adrift is a lousy way to grow up.
There seems to have been an autonomy, a freedom, but it was to be let loose without direction nor intuition of what is expected, nor how to navigate what I'm thrust into. That's why I fixated on vigilance and obsession to avoid everything about relationships, or sex, or friends, or social events, etc...
I had a short window where I found myself acting outside of this discovery. I was in my early 20's, and had seemingly made new friends. I dove deep into being a friend for a few years. I tried so hard. What I failed at, was to notice that I set myself up to make friends with people who would eventually leave and likely never come back. I have maintained a connection to a few of them though, distant, but a few connections. It's from then on that, when I tried, I again failed to feel connected, and instead felt outside what was going on. I did a lot of drugs for those years. It's been since then, these past near 19 years of sobriety, that I find myself finally seeing more about what work I've yet to do.
It's daunting, and here is where I've made my connection, here on MS, where I've said "my friend" to many. It's now that I know I mean it more than ever before. I see what's wrong with me, and I see what I want to do, and I see how hard it's going to be.
I'll be antsy for the upgrade to complete, and restart writing my plans and hopes.
I hope to keep responding and supporting here, and finding my way.
Feedback is always welcome. Many now know a lot about me. There's more of me on these pages than in my own journal.
