If only.... The curse of the unloved

[ForeverFighting]

There are these beliefs that the child taught us, and we've never forgotten. It's the fantasy world where a little boy believes that everything depends on him, that if only he'd done or been something different, he'd have been loved. These beliefs haunt me to this day.

If only I'd been more beautiful, they would have loved me.
If only I had worked harder...
If only I had tried to be athletic...
If only I had stayed blonde...
If only I were thinner...
If only I weren't so stupid...
If only I could have helped my mom more...
If only I had been funnier...
If only I had eaten better...
...proved that I was strong...

...then they would have loved me.

I still hear the voice from time to time. If only I hadn't wasted two hours watching a movie, if only I had done something useful, more constructive, if only I could say the right thing... It's an endless thread of criticism, but it all stems from one source--the need for love. It's the logic of a child. If a trusted adult hurts a child, the child believes he did something to deserve it. The fact is, we didn't do anything to deserve being sexually abused. We were born, and that's enough reason for our parents to love us. We weren't supposed to have to earn love from the people who's job it was to love and protect us. Our parents should have loved and protected us simply because we existed. That's how a healthy parent-child relationship is supposed to work.

I was having trouble sleeping last night and the night before, and I realized that I wasn't allowing myself to sleep, because if I could just do one more thing in that day, I might feel loved. And suddenly it hit me. I am loved. Maybe not by my parents or my uncle or the people who were supposed to love me as a child. But I am loved by my friends, by my sweet wife, by my brothers here at the MS site, by God. And the funny thing is, I don't have to earn this love. It's this weird thing they talk about but I've never seen before--unconditional love.

Oh, I still work hard, try hard, make mistakes, but if I do watch a movie or eat a greasy donut, gain 5 pounds or get a gray hair, make that mistake or say the wrong thing, I'm still loved. It's the weirdest thing. We don't have to try to earn it anymore. I'm just loved.

Remember that. You are loved.

 

[puppy]

that was such a cool post to read. i relate to it SO much and it makes me feel normal that you feel this stuff too. i know there are a few people in my life who love me completely and dont care that im flawed or strange or have low self esteem. they just love me. and i always wonder why. my best friend is like the sweetest most caring person and she would do anything for me and i just laugh sometimes thinking, if she only knew who i REALLY am, shed hate me. but no. she DOES know who i am. and thats why she loves me. its strange. i dont feel like i deserve it. like you said, if only i had...blah blah blah. i tell myself these things every day. every hour. if only i had done better in school last semester. if only i got paid more at my crappy job. if only i was smarter or taller or less shy or stronger or less me and more someone else. maybe then my parents would have loved me. maybe my dad wouldnt have abused me. but youre right. you are loved. and so am i. and so are all of us. even if its not our families that love us, we are old enough now to make our own families.

anyway. thanks for writing that post. it helps me and probably a lot of others to not feel so alone.

 

[Leosha]

If only....Wow. Powerful words to make us feel powerless, hmm?

Michael, your epiphany is wonderful. Because you are right. You are loved. Everyone here is. Even those who have no family. Even those who (feel) have no friends in 'real life'. Every person at this site makes this site. Everyone who speaks here offers themself to others. That is a truly beautiful thing, and worthy of being loved.

Nothing we can do, nothing we can hope, nothing we can wish can change the past. But we have now, we have tomorrow, and we have the rest of our lives. We do not need to ever 'if only' again.

Leosha