If it's ok
If it's ok
- Thread starterDenny
- Start date
thetraveller
Registrant
Of course it is Denny. There are some very wise and clever people here. I'm sure someone will have an answer for you.
Take care
Craig
Take care
Craig
thank you, i just wasn't sure what i should ask and what i shouldn't ask here, i don't want to get anyone upset with me or mad at me. i guess my biggest questions are, if my stepdad is such a bad guy then how come inside i feel like i owe him? and why do i feel bad that i dissapointed him? why do i feel so guilty and wrong for talking about him? thanks.
denny
denny
roadrunner
Registrant
Denny,
First of all, talk about whatever you need to talk about here - really, ANYTHING. Same with things you need to ask. If you need to say things that refer to specifics of abuse in a graphic or detailed way the site asks that you put a "trigger" warning at the top of your post. But those issues too can be discussed here.
On your feelings for your step-father, those are just the normal feelings that a boy would have for an adult caregiver. A boy can be abused by an adult and still care for that person intensely. For example, when the man who abused me was chased off I missed him terribly and felt like I was being rejected and abandoned.
And bear in mind that abusers also manipulate and distort how a boy sees things. It's not at all uncommon for a boy to feel that the abuse was all his idea and his fault, thanks to the mind-games the abuser plays. I don't know enough about what happened with your stepfather, but I can guess he made you think that you were a failure and a disappointment. Once a boy feels worthless, there is just about nothing he won't do for attention and affection. As a boy you might have thought that the sexual "favors" he wanted were the least you could offer.
The problem is that these feelings don't disappear just because the boy grows up. They linger beneath the surface and affect us in all sorts of ways. In your post you refer to some of these.
Finally, there is nothing wrong in talking about all this. The wrong is what HE did then, not what YOU are doing now. All you are doing is asserting your right to get your life back. Good for you!
Much love,
Larry
First of all, talk about whatever you need to talk about here - really, ANYTHING. Same with things you need to ask. If you need to say things that refer to specifics of abuse in a graphic or detailed way the site asks that you put a "trigger" warning at the top of your post. But those issues too can be discussed here.
On your feelings for your step-father, those are just the normal feelings that a boy would have for an adult caregiver. A boy can be abused by an adult and still care for that person intensely. For example, when the man who abused me was chased off I missed him terribly and felt like I was being rejected and abandoned.
And bear in mind that abusers also manipulate and distort how a boy sees things. It's not at all uncommon for a boy to feel that the abuse was all his idea and his fault, thanks to the mind-games the abuser plays. I don't know enough about what happened with your stepfather, but I can guess he made you think that you were a failure and a disappointment. Once a boy feels worthless, there is just about nothing he won't do for attention and affection. As a boy you might have thought that the sexual "favors" he wanted were the least you could offer.
The problem is that these feelings don't disappear just because the boy grows up. They linger beneath the surface and affect us in all sorts of ways. In your post you refer to some of these.
Finally, there is nothing wrong in talking about all this. The wrong is what HE did then, not what YOU are doing now. All you are doing is asserting your right to get your life back. Good for you!
Much love,
Larry
James_dup1
Registrant
WOW Larry you said that great.
Denny,
I was abused my step father from age 12 to 17 when I moved to a different city. This man raised me from the time I was 6. I told everyone he was my dad not step dad. When he died in 98 I cried for a week. My feelings where hard to deal with because of the abuse. It's hard to love someone and hate someone at the same time. As a child we are told we that we love the people who raise us. That they love us. We are family. These feelings are then mixed with the abuse and it really twist a young boys mind and brings up a multitude of feelings that are hard to explain. As for feeling guilty about talking about your stepfather, well as this abuse was going on you had to keep it to yourself and not tell anyone. This feeling of having to remain quite is a feeling that carry's over to recovery. I felt this for a very long time. As I learned the abuse was not my fault but my dad's. The issues where his not mine. I learned it was finialy ok for me to talk about. I would like to add you will find some of the most caring and understand men on this web site. Take your time and talk about what your ok with talking about. Recovery is a road that is travled. And you have started on this road by your post here. Keep asking what you need to ask just as Larry said to you. We are here for just sort of open dialog. Hope this helps
James
Denny,
I was abused my step father from age 12 to 17 when I moved to a different city. This man raised me from the time I was 6. I told everyone he was my dad not step dad. When he died in 98 I cried for a week. My feelings where hard to deal with because of the abuse. It's hard to love someone and hate someone at the same time. As a child we are told we that we love the people who raise us. That they love us. We are family. These feelings are then mixed with the abuse and it really twist a young boys mind and brings up a multitude of feelings that are hard to explain. As for feeling guilty about talking about your stepfather, well as this abuse was going on you had to keep it to yourself and not tell anyone. This feeling of having to remain quite is a feeling that carry's over to recovery. I felt this for a very long time. As I learned the abuse was not my fault but my dad's. The issues where his not mine. I learned it was finialy ok for me to talk about. I would like to add you will find some of the most caring and understand men on this web site. Take your time and talk about what your ok with talking about. Recovery is a road that is travled. And you have started on this road by your post here. Keep asking what you need to ask just as Larry said to you. We are here for just sort of open dialog. Hope this helps
James
thetraveller
Registrant
Hey Denny
First off please don't be scared of anyone being upset or mad with you here. The whole idea of this place is to freely express yourself, your fears or whatever you need to.
I'm no expert Denny but I'll try to help. I can only give you my own personal oponion and please remember I am not a therapist, just a fellow abuse survivor like yourself.
I was abused by my mother. I didn't say anything because I felt I owed her for giving birth to me, feeding and clothing me, bringing me up etc.
Maybe this is why you feel like you owe him something?
I had all my material needs met but...... this cannot and will never excuse the times she abused me. That cancels out all the good things she has ever done in my opionion.
Feeling bad for disappointing him.
From you other posts about the way he treated you I think he has drilled it into you what a disappointment and failure you are to him. This sounds to me like his way to justify all the awful things he did to you. Both to you and himself. It isn't right. It is contolling and manipulative and an awful way to treat any human, let alone a vunerable child who you should be caring for.
feeling guily for talking about him.
This maybe to do with the fact that you feel like what happened was you fault.
IT WAS ABSOLUTLY NOT
someone as controlling as him has probably conditioned you into thinking that anything going against what he says, think or does is wrong and should be punished.
Also you may have a sense of loyalty to him as he was a father figure to you. Going against this may generate guilty feelings.
I certainly feel guilty for thinking ill of my mother sometimes but I still know she deserves it.
I hope this goes someway to anwering your questions. I'm sure other people here will also give you some insight and ideas to think about.
Take care of yourself Denny
Craig
First off please don't be scared of anyone being upset or mad with you here. The whole idea of this place is to freely express yourself, your fears or whatever you need to.
I'm no expert Denny but I'll try to help. I can only give you my own personal oponion and please remember I am not a therapist, just a fellow abuse survivor like yourself.
I was abused by my mother. I didn't say anything because I felt I owed her for giving birth to me, feeding and clothing me, bringing me up etc.
Maybe this is why you feel like you owe him something?
I had all my material needs met but...... this cannot and will never excuse the times she abused me. That cancels out all the good things she has ever done in my opionion.
Feeling bad for disappointing him.
From you other posts about the way he treated you I think he has drilled it into you what a disappointment and failure you are to him. This sounds to me like his way to justify all the awful things he did to you. Both to you and himself. It isn't right. It is contolling and manipulative and an awful way to treat any human, let alone a vunerable child who you should be caring for.
feeling guily for talking about him.
This maybe to do with the fact that you feel like what happened was you fault.
IT WAS ABSOLUTLY NOT
someone as controlling as him has probably conditioned you into thinking that anything going against what he says, think or does is wrong and should be punished.
Also you may have a sense of loyalty to him as he was a father figure to you. Going against this may generate guilty feelings.
I certainly feel guilty for thinking ill of my mother sometimes but I still know she deserves it.
I hope this goes someway to anwering your questions. I'm sure other people here will also give you some insight and ideas to think about.
Take care of yourself Denny
Craig
The thing I remember most about my dad is that he worked all the time and when he wasn't working he spent his recreational time doing things for himself. He never took the time to want to take me to do things that I wanted to do or just to spend time with me. Most of the time when he came home from work he would go straight to the living room and turn on the TV. He would make me pull off his work boots and socks, go get him something to drink, etc. If I didn't move fast enough he hit me. One time he even threw one of his boots at me. He never failed to mention that I should want to do things for him because he took care of me. He worked, paid the bills, and bought the groceries. I think that people like this think that since they buying your food and providing you a place to live, they think they can just treat you anyway they want. Yes, there was times when I felt I owed him and to a degree maybe I do owe him for taking care of me. But in no terms do I owe him enough for him to have treated me the way he did. I think the thing that hurts the most is that he never treated any of my brothers and sisters the way he did me. I am the oldest and my sister is 6 years younger than me, my brother 8 years younger, and my other sister is 19 years younger.
The thing I remember most about my dad is that he worked all the time and when he wasn't working he spent his recreational time doing things for himself. He never took the time to want to take me to do things that I wanted to do or just to spend time with me. Most of the time when he came home from work he would go straight to the living room and turn on the TV. He would make me pull off his work boots and socks, go get him something to drink, etc. If I didn't move fast enough he hit me. One time he even threw one of his boots at me. He never failed to mention that I should want to do things for him because he took care of me. He worked, paid the bills, and bought the groceries. I think that people like this think that since they buying your food and providing you a place to live, they think they can just treat you anyway they want. Yes, there was times when I felt I owed him and to a degree maybe I do owe him for taking care of me. But in no terms do I owe him enough for him to have treated me the way he did. I think the thing that hurts the most is that he never treated any of my brothers and sisters the way he did me. I am the oldest and my sister is 6 years younger than me, my brother 8 years younger, and my other sister is 19 years younger.