identity thoughts

[DannyT]

Hi Guys,

I've been going through some interesting identity stuff I thought might be worth sharing as it was very helpful in the end.

I changed my name recently. I had found out my family name was changed coming over on the boat from europe, and then, through some genealogical research, I found out what it was.

I decided to change back to the original name. And at the same time, I got rid of my middle name (my dad's name, who was my abuser). I may even start going by my new middle name at some point, as the results of all this were so interesting.

As I was going through the process, and talking with my T about it all, I saw that changing my name really meant changing my identity in some way. After all, who am I if I'm not my old name anymore?

I saw that my old name was the name of the guy who had survived and who had protected me through all those years of recovery. He wasn't necessarily the person I wanted to be going forward as he still has lots of unnecessary scars. So I started asking myself who the person was behind the new name.

He has turned out to be a very strong character with very clear desires and ways of being that are a lot healthier in most ways than survivor me was. And now when I have questions for my self about what to do in many daily circumstances, I ask myself what would this new person want to do.

Over the course of the last eight months or so, I've seen huge changes in myself based on this simple daily questioning that have been really great. It helps that I have new medication for my ADD, but it's not that alone. I feel stronger deep down because of this random combination of circumstances. I didn't plan to change myself when I changed my name, but it has sure worked out that way. Many unhealthy habits are going away. For example, I'm much better at facing conflict. I'm much better at staying on task and completing my projects. I feel way more grounded. So many good things it's hard to list them all.

So what's the take away? I don't think I'm really advocating name changes for everyone, but I certainly think defining our personas could be generally useful for many of us. And maybe giving them names just for our own use.

I've started to think we probably all have various personas buried inside us. After all everyone talks to him or herself and has different personalities behind the answers. I have one friend who always criticizes herself for example. She really needs to develop another persona who equally defends. Do you see what I mean? My other half really resists bad habits to the point where some of my most unhealthy behaviors are just things he won't tolerate any more. at first I wondered why, then I saw that they were really remenants of the abuse that I hadn't processed. And I could see why he would be so adamant we weren't doing those things anymore. They just reiterated old habits. Without his new perspective I wouldn't have seen the connections.

I think these personas can be as simple as the way one describes oneself. If you say "I suck at x because I'm too stupid to y," you've got a censor persona who cuts at you. That persona isn't necessarily telling you the truth. I"m finding having this other persona arising in me is bringing a counter voice that's really strong. If the person who tells himself "I suck at x because I'm too stupid to y" can find a new persona inside himself that embodies a sense of personal strength and integrity, he'll hear himself saying right back say right back, "Don't talk to me that way. I'm sick of your ridiculous negativity."

I think this might be especially helpful for those of us just starting the healing process, when the voice of the abuser or of the abuse itself can be so strong. I feel like I could have cut the healing time way shorter by having this strong person who is me standing beside me talking me through those tough times early on when it is so hard to find any voice to believe.

Best wishes,

Danny

 

[Strive 38/11]

Hey Danny

Its great to hear that you feel way more grounded. Stable foundations are everything. Too its great to witness that your healing is progressing. In the cluster of goals in my meaningful morning routine one stands out here: "always contented never satisfied". The period from when I am awake to the thought of "thanks for good sleep"and I pull the covers back, I meditate. I purposefully stretched out and may hands are resting on my chest. I use the quietness of mind in this stillness to centre myself. Once centred I talk to the boy within.

Strikingly, this morning I went from peace to awareness of dark rage with no knowledge of the transition. I was just in the rage when I realised I was one of my other selves. This is a first experience clearly the awareness is construct of self and MS. Its somewhat disturbing, Its clear a good flag to focus more work on the small me.

There are two constants in any survivor regards of how damaged you are, 1. you need therapy to heal yourself and 2. You need a friend that will walk beside you all the way.

Having witnessed a highly traumatised human change his name three times. The way to make it work is dissipating the affects of the trauma with each time that name changes.

in kindness

 

[KMCINVA]

Danny

I am glad you have moved forward and healing is taking hold. Everyone heals differently and how one heals is not as important as healing. For you, reclaiming the old family name allowed you to reclaim who were as a child prior to the abuse. It seems you are taking control of yourself and seeing as you say a new persona.

I am very happy for you. I am glad this change has been positive for you. You are finding your inner voice that was buried from the abuse.

Thank you for sharing.

Kevin

 

[don64]

Hi Danny,

I'm doing some of the work you describe by your name change. However, reading your post of changing your name has brought new energy to my process by making it waaaaay more personal for me. I don't know if I'll actually create a new name, but I do know I already feel a much more personal presence inside myself as a result of your post.

Thanks,

Don

 

[DannyT]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your replies! It's great how we can share here and hopefully find our experiences are of some benefit to others as well. Don, I'm glad the post brought something positive to your process. It's funny, isn't it, the patterns of mind that we all share?

Best wishes,

Danny

 

[kcinohio]

Glad this is working out well for you. I found sometimes others that didn't quite get the change came around eventually.

 

[traveler]

Danny

Your post really resonated with me. I am glad you could change your name and found some satisfaction and success in doing so. I have often wished I could do the same. But it would be so difficult and complicated at this point in my life passport, visas, birth, marriage and drivers licenses, professional certifications, wife and kids, deeds, bank accounts and investments and so on

However, I did the next best thing. I chose which name I wanted to be known by in new situations and have made that my healing identity.

Heres the story: my father died when I was not quite three and my mom remarried when I was almost six. The step-dad adopted my younger brother and me so that everyone in the family would have the same last name and avoid awkward questions. So I felt like my original identity and my fathers family were taken from me at an early age. I was forced to go by the last name of my first and worst abuser for the rest of my life. I wish I had thought of changing back to my original last name when I first got out on my own. That would have been so much simpler but I was not even aware of the depth of the abuse I had survived at that time.

My first name has painful connotations for me because it was used against me so often during abuse and bullying. It is also so unusual and has such a distinctive spelling that if I used it here, I might easily be identified. I have only known of two other people who had this name and one was a family member that I was named after. I have disliked it most of my life. It is so unique that I used to exhibit art signed with only that first name.

So now I go by my preferred middle name on MS, at a support group, and anywhere else that people have not previously known me as long as I dont have to use any official documentation. I feel so much more free and right in that persona as though I have shed lots of pain, burdens, and darkness of the past. That is ironic, because under my middle name, I have admitted to so much connected to the abuse that was always kept a secret under my original first name. I feel like Lee is who I really am not the name which I went by in the past.

LEE - the real "ME"

 

[Strive 38/11]

Can I say I created a therapy name in 2004 and in the last few months I have started the process of integrating that one into the name and personality I was born with.

I spent along time thinking I was lost or had lost myself. When I realised this was false, things changed. I am still who I was when I was born. I am still the sum of my ancestors both before right and wrong imprinting and conditioning. I am still the kind and generous guy and I am still the protector of the meek and vulnerable.

The abusers and their horrific actions did not take that away from me.

I am who I am

The therapy journey with the new name was most useful as it gave me the above a mirror and thankful I am for that.

 

[DannyT]

Lee,

I hear what you're saying. If I had thought through all the logistics before I did it, I don't know if I would have had the nerve. But I'm glad I did. It was a pain to change everything, but the pain has only helped make the process seem real. I guess it's a right of passage, and the new ID, passport, etc. has become part of the acknowledging of letting go. Glad the switch to your middle name is working for you. I'm gradually making that switch, too. It's been super interesting.

Strive,

I like the idea of a mirror. That's what it is like for me, too. I see lots of new and old things in the mirror, and I'm able to choose between which version of a choice or thought feels healthier. How is the integration going? I'm finding there are interesting arguments!

Danny