identity among other things

identity among other things
S

sabooka

Registrant
I have a lot to say and I am not sure how to say it.


First, i want to thank everyone here for just beeing here. I have only been here for a couple of weeks and i am already stating to feel like i can share in this place. I haven't yet figured out how it all works yet but i am getting there.

Second, lately I have been thinking a lot about my identity. I have never been able to think of my self as a MAN (adult responsible person). Yet I don't think of my self an a child either. I feel somewhere in between. which I think leads into my next thing...

Third, I am going to comfront my family this week about my mother abusing me. I am going to first tell my brother and ask him if it happened to him too, then my sister and the confront my parents. why i said this has two do with my identity is that i am possibly destroying my relationships with my family and that puts who I am into question.

Fourth, everything i do i seem to do with my head and i find it very difficult to feel, period. I had one session with my t which i was able to feel but that is it. I know that it is something i have to do but i cant seem to find a way there.

Fifth, thanks for giving me a place to write this.

Sixth, no thats all....
 
Hi Sabooka,

I've also had some of these identity issues: am I child or a man? I even wrote to another thread that I didn't think there was any real difference (I think I was way wrong about that). I guess now I think abuse can stop something inside us somewhere, like chopping off the top of a plant. Then the plant grows out from the cut instead of straight up. It still grows but in a funny, different direction.

Danny
 
Sabooka:
I think that you will find that many of us feel the same way. I'm 48 years old and still feel like a little kid when around other people especially other men. And, it's not the "nice" feeling like - gee, I feel so much younger than my age! It's Oh, my God... I'm a little kid next to this man. I feel so inferior.

Now, confronting your family..... that's a real pandora's box. I confronted mine in a letter and thankfully they also lived 900 miles away. I don't think that I could have faced them face-to-face.

From experience, I would suggest that you prepare yourself for ANY response possible or NO response. Your siblings could be in total denial and think your out of your mind, or they may accept it and be supportive, they may be defensive for your parents.... there's a million possibilities. Do you feel strong enough to do this in person? I'm not trying to scare you off from doing it... just trying to prepare you for all possibilities.

Also, getting into your "head" is another very typical reaction for those of us who were SA. Think about it (no pun intended) if you squash your feelings and get analytical, then you don't have to feel the pain, the terror or the betrayal. The only bad thing about that is that the feelings WILL eventually manifest themselves - either "sideways" in inappropriate reactions to people and situations OR somatic (body)complaints and ailments. I am thoroughly convinced that a lot of cancer is a result of repressed rage (IMHO).

Just take your time and be kind and patient with yourself. No matter what you get thru in approaching your brother and sister and/or confronting your parents, pat yourself on the back BIG TIME for making any step towards your goal.

What you intend to do is a very adult thing. And everything you describe is perfectly reasonable reactions to what we experienced as children.

Please keep us posted as to how things go and I'm rooting for you in your efforts to confront head-on!

Sophiesdad
 
I didi it.

i told my brother today. I sent him a letter by email and then he called me back.

I said that he believes me and supports me 100%. Thankfully he said that our mother never did anything like that to him.

It means a lot to me his support and i am happy that i told him.

After talking to him i then sent a simular letter to my sister.

i'll keep you posted

thanks
Jonathan
 
just an update....

I just talked to my sister and she too was supportive.

Neither of them had experianced any sexual abuse for our parents.

next step is my parents on tuesday.
 
Dear Jonathan,

First of all, my deepest sypmathies and support - my abuser was not a relative, and for that, at least, I am endlessly grateful. I don't know how I would have coped with that.

It is good that you have had positive responses from your siblings. The question is now what? You did not say what you hope to gain from confronting your parents, or what you want out of the discussion. It might be a good idea to think about this first.

I know that once the gates are open things tend to flood out. Also, I an not suggesting that you back off from your intended aim of getting this out. This sort of secret is never good for the victim, however comforting it may be for the abuser.

But where do you want this to go? Have you thought it over in your own mind? What might be said to divert the discussion into unfruitful directions? Are you ready to respond in case everything is denied? Vented anger might feel good in the short term, but I suspect you want more than that.

Good luck,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top