I look back at the kid that I was who was abused by an adult male and then who acted out with more men after that and I have a very hard time not blaming myself. I see that I was abused and sexualized and that I starting acting out a pattern that was set in motion by someone else but I also see that I "sought" it after the fact. I didn't have any attention at home, no affection, no care, no one seeing me and I mistakenly (such a gigantic mistake) took the abuse as being seen, affection, being cared about. But I see it was just men taking advantage of an extremely disconnected boy, men who knowingly used a boy for their own grubby needs where they could use someone and be done with him when they wished.
Looking back, I couldn't help myself. I had no way out. Once the first episode happened, I felt responsible and guilty and ashamed but also physically touched which I desperately needed but it was by a stranger who disappeared right after sexually intoxicating me and utilizing me for his own sexual gratification while seeming to make it about my gratification that I wasn't seeking from him. I was seeking help, connection, direction, someone to talk to me, someone to see me, someone to help me get away from a fucking crazy, cloying mother and father who didn't care - I just wanted a male in my life who cared about me and made me really feel cared about and valuable. And then this fucking piece of shit comes along at an incredibly vulnerable time and takes all that stuff that is swirling inside of me and he tells me through his behavior and actions that I am really seeking sex and that is what this is all about.
I am sad and ashamed of what happened and that no one in my family of origin cared enough or paid attention enough to me to realize that something had happened. Because I didn't come home beaten up or obviously assaulted, life went on and no one EVER asked me anything. Ever. They wanted me to be the good, quiet one. And I was. I became bitter and edgy but still played the role of the good, quiet one while seeking to re-enact the abuse (the mistaken attention and affection) and that secret just grew and grew and grew and I mistook the secret for my orientation and I didn't grow up with my peers and I didn't date and I drifted more and more into my own reality and disconnected more and more from real relationships and here I am now, wanting relationships and realizing how much time and opportunity I let go by and I am in the process of accepting all of that and accepting how I thought of myself for decades and wanting to let go because I finally realize how untrue it all was but I don't have close people that I trust and so many - oh so many - don't really want to patiently hear the intricacies of how abuse and sense of self and sexuality got all tangled up for many years and that it is a process to unwind it. Honestly, it feels like people didn't care when it happened and people don't care now either. Many now just want to hear that it happened and that you've accepted it and now you're better and what an inspiration you are to other people. That's one I hear a lot - you can inspire others. It's another way of making the other person feel good because they think they are being supportive but they are really continuing to dismiss. It's more of the same. There's a bunch of public figures in the last few years who have come out as abuse victims but again, many of them are held up as inspiring figures but the details or the dynamics are avoided because it's too messy and makes too many people have to feel things that they'd rather not feel.
I wrote this because I want to move on and I have to untangle this or untether my self-image and sense of worth to the sexual abuse and my reaction to it and my beliefs about myself before, during and after. I can't ever change it but I believe I can start to get some distance from it as being this thing that I continue to hide from others or think that I still have to do that. I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide something that happened to me, that I had a reaction to, that I'm ashamed of. I'm letting go of the shame and while I do that, the sadness and rage of being abandoned and not cared for is wanting expression. I don't want to feel like I am less than others my age any longer. I'm sick of it. Since my life doesn't fit an image of what I think it should be, I feel less than. I also think if only I can catch up and look like everyone else, I'll be acceptable. I've avoided life because I've been afraid of being discovered for what I did or how my family treated me. I've lived in a lot of fantasy of "one day, I'll live like everyone else and I'll show them how great I really am" and I see it's just been a coping mechanism. I'm not really living - I'm surviving and coping and avoiding. I'm not enjoying, I'm not relating, I'm not letting go, I'm not trusting, I'm not opening. I want to live my life. I can write all of this because my sense of self-worth is coming up more and more and I just see how badly treated I was and for how long I believed that I somehow caused it or deserved it and now I see that I didn't deserve it or cause it but if you believe that about yourself, you tend to get treated badly and you tend to live a small life avoiding harm. That's what I did. I don't want to be treated badly anymore and I want to be able to stand up for myself and a big part of that means not being afraid that if I do stand up for myself, no one will instantly be able to diminish me by being able to say what I did after my abuse and be able to render me worthless or laughable or unworthy in an instant. I am so afraid of my past being used against me which means I still judge myself harshly. I am having a hard time seeing myself as a worthy adult male. I had such a negative image of men that now to be one and to not trust men or to have judged ALL men as "bad" is confusing. I'm at this crux of having an abused boy inside of me, being physically a man while having spent a lifetime of hating men while having had sexual interactions with men and having a crazy, needy, selfish, cloying mother at the helm and not being able to connect to men properly and let go of women properly. I was trapped and I've been trapped and I want to be untrapped.
Looking back, I couldn't help myself. I had no way out. Once the first episode happened, I felt responsible and guilty and ashamed but also physically touched which I desperately needed but it was by a stranger who disappeared right after sexually intoxicating me and utilizing me for his own sexual gratification while seeming to make it about my gratification that I wasn't seeking from him. I was seeking help, connection, direction, someone to talk to me, someone to see me, someone to help me get away from a fucking crazy, cloying mother and father who didn't care - I just wanted a male in my life who cared about me and made me really feel cared about and valuable. And then this fucking piece of shit comes along at an incredibly vulnerable time and takes all that stuff that is swirling inside of me and he tells me through his behavior and actions that I am really seeking sex and that is what this is all about.
I am sad and ashamed of what happened and that no one in my family of origin cared enough or paid attention enough to me to realize that something had happened. Because I didn't come home beaten up or obviously assaulted, life went on and no one EVER asked me anything. Ever. They wanted me to be the good, quiet one. And I was. I became bitter and edgy but still played the role of the good, quiet one while seeking to re-enact the abuse (the mistaken attention and affection) and that secret just grew and grew and grew and I mistook the secret for my orientation and I didn't grow up with my peers and I didn't date and I drifted more and more into my own reality and disconnected more and more from real relationships and here I am now, wanting relationships and realizing how much time and opportunity I let go by and I am in the process of accepting all of that and accepting how I thought of myself for decades and wanting to let go because I finally realize how untrue it all was but I don't have close people that I trust and so many - oh so many - don't really want to patiently hear the intricacies of how abuse and sense of self and sexuality got all tangled up for many years and that it is a process to unwind it. Honestly, it feels like people didn't care when it happened and people don't care now either. Many now just want to hear that it happened and that you've accepted it and now you're better and what an inspiration you are to other people. That's one I hear a lot - you can inspire others. It's another way of making the other person feel good because they think they are being supportive but they are really continuing to dismiss. It's more of the same. There's a bunch of public figures in the last few years who have come out as abuse victims but again, many of them are held up as inspiring figures but the details or the dynamics are avoided because it's too messy and makes too many people have to feel things that they'd rather not feel.
I wrote this because I want to move on and I have to untangle this or untether my self-image and sense of worth to the sexual abuse and my reaction to it and my beliefs about myself before, during and after. I can't ever change it but I believe I can start to get some distance from it as being this thing that I continue to hide from others or think that I still have to do that. I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide something that happened to me, that I had a reaction to, that I'm ashamed of. I'm letting go of the shame and while I do that, the sadness and rage of being abandoned and not cared for is wanting expression. I don't want to feel like I am less than others my age any longer. I'm sick of it. Since my life doesn't fit an image of what I think it should be, I feel less than. I also think if only I can catch up and look like everyone else, I'll be acceptable. I've avoided life because I've been afraid of being discovered for what I did or how my family treated me. I've lived in a lot of fantasy of "one day, I'll live like everyone else and I'll show them how great I really am" and I see it's just been a coping mechanism. I'm not really living - I'm surviving and coping and avoiding. I'm not enjoying, I'm not relating, I'm not letting go, I'm not trusting, I'm not opening. I want to live my life. I can write all of this because my sense of self-worth is coming up more and more and I just see how badly treated I was and for how long I believed that I somehow caused it or deserved it and now I see that I didn't deserve it or cause it but if you believe that about yourself, you tend to get treated badly and you tend to live a small life avoiding harm. That's what I did. I don't want to be treated badly anymore and I want to be able to stand up for myself and a big part of that means not being afraid that if I do stand up for myself, no one will instantly be able to diminish me by being able to say what I did after my abuse and be able to render me worthless or laughable or unworthy in an instant. I am so afraid of my past being used against me which means I still judge myself harshly. I am having a hard time seeing myself as a worthy adult male. I had such a negative image of men that now to be one and to not trust men or to have judged ALL men as "bad" is confusing. I'm at this crux of having an abused boy inside of me, being physically a man while having spent a lifetime of hating men while having had sexual interactions with men and having a crazy, needy, selfish, cloying mother at the helm and not being able to connect to men properly and let go of women properly. I was trapped and I've been trapped and I want to be untrapped.