I wonder if I am beginning to fall apart...

[LupinIII]

...I find myself unhappy a lot these days. I wound up taking a new job selling recruitment advertising, because we could not live on the salary my last job was paying me...but I am terribly unhappy...I am beginning to wonder if the revelation of incest has devastated me more than I let on...besides trying to be a good parent I can't seem to focus in on what I really want and sometimes daily tasks seem daunting..I can't really afford a therapist right now and the alanon group hasn't been working...sometimes I just sit here consumed with anger and sadness...I feel like I am falling apart but if I do then my fmaily will suffer since my wife has been out of work for a while and has had trouble ifnding a job that can support us..so i have to keep on working...but I just can't seem to get positive...of course there are also the memories and the feelings...I haven't spoken to my wife about them much but theys till come and someitmes they are overwhelming..I am uncertain what to do, but I cannot just lose it..but some days it feels like I am going in that direction...

...I think of my mother sitting there doing her poor me routine and it makes me sick..she has no idea what she did to me..how much damage she has done and the legacy of evil just seems to continue on as i struggle to keep it together...it really sucks

 

[crisispoint]

Lupin,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time now. I can understand what you're saying.

Yes, it sucks. It will ALWAYS suck. But it's normal, really, these feelings you have. You're struggling now with your things, and other people are struggling with their things, but let me ask you this: are you really continuing the "legacy of evil," or are you working REALLY HARD on ending it?

Because it's hard work. It's like someone stuck a 5000 pound boulder on you and said, "okay now, just schlep this around for the rest of your life, okay?" And you got no choice in the matter. It's carry the boulder or be crushed by it.

Lupin, you're carrying the boulder. Yes, it's a hard thing to do, I know, but in the end, you are CARRYING it. You AREN'T letting it crush you, and there's a world of difference in this.

If it were crushing you, you wouldn't be moving forward, healing, living life, or WINNING. Yes, you ARE winning, my brother, even though it's the hardest f***king thing in the world and it's VERY hard to see, you ARE.

And you are there for the people who matter. Your wife, kids, you are THERE for those who matter. Screw the rest of the stuff. It will come and it will get taken care of. You are doing the right things.

Brother, if you're losing it, I've lost it a long time ago and the rest of the planet never had it to begin with.

You will win, Lupin, because you keep winning. You aren't evil. What was done to you, THAT was f**king evil, but YOU aren't. Never forget that.

You are a man I'm honored to know. That's not an easy thing for me to say, despite what is said about me around here. I'm sincere when I say that.

I'm here for you. You need anything, you PM me, okay?

Peace and love, Lupin,

Scot

 

[outis]

LupinIII,

I feel something like that at times, too. My wife's business has not generated the kind of income that can provide a cushion, so it's all riding on me. Memories never seem to stop, though for some reason they are much harder to tolerate at some times than they are at other times.

Sometimes it's just "keep on keepin' on" but if that's what it takes, so be it. My boulder is not going to crush me.

The brightest spot I have is that I can talk to my wife about a lot of things. I have explained that sometimes all I want is for her to listen. She and I both know that she can't fix me or make it all better. I think she feels better about how "present" I can be at other times as long as I get my time being heard. And I know I feel better when I know she listens.

Talking to my wife about how much I wanted to "be present" and how I thought she could help (just listen, don't try to have answers or fixes) made a big difference for me, and I believe she likes this arrangement better, too.

As for happiness, my T told me that she thinks happiness is over-rated. I think that makes sense. In the instant gratification society, being "without" means being without happiness. There's always another hoop to jump through, another achievement to notch, some new status symbol to possess. The finish line, like the horizon, never draws near. I'm tired of running to reach the horizon. Not sure how significant that is, but it does feel like some change in me.

I hope you can find something that helps you.

Thanks,

Joe