I wish, my story(triggers)

[parttimecop]

I wish I had never opened that door. You don't know how many times I have said that to myself.

I was maybe 4 or so. She was 17. That right there has caused me problems. She was not much more than a child herself. And she was pretty. Certainly to my young eyes. Even to this day I prefer brunettes, like her. That is another thing that bugs me. Why would I like girls who have her characteristics?

Well she was getting dressed and was in Lingere. I believe she had on garters and bras and panties. She made me pleasure her with my mouth. One of the most intimate things a guy and girl can do and she forces me into it. But really there was not much force at all. I was willing to please. All that makes/made me feel very guilty.

And then she pleasured me orally. To this day that is an akward thing for me to experience. I would sooner do the other. And why did she have to bring such an innocent boy into her messed up life.

It may have happened more than once. I am not sure if it was one time, or two or even three times. The amount hardly matters, I was screwed up by it anyway.

I want to be whole again. I wish I was able to be an innocent child longer. I have seen and experienced stuff that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

It is only now, 25 years or so later that I am escaping her stain on my life. I am facing the choices I did or did not make, the choices she took away. I must take responsibility and grab hold of my life not her sins. I don't know for sure how to let go of her though. I do know that I can make some amends with the world, do some good to balance the evil put on me. Because only by doing good can I overcome her evil.

For all my wishes though, I have found something good. And I would not have been where I was to meet her if I had not opened that door on the other her that killed my childhood.

 

[Raphael]

Dear friend,

I am sorry that you had your innocence robbed from you at such a young age. I was also molested at the age of 3-4-5, I am not sure. As children we can't make sense of what is going on and we just want to please others, we just want to be loved and accepted. But deep inside we feel that something is wrong and that's when the guilt and the shame comes in. I guess that one very important thing to keep in mind is that it was not your fault! You are never to be blamed for what happened. You suffered a terrible injustice.

It took a lot of strength for you to come here and to share your story. You survived that great injustice and all that you had to suffer in the 25 years since then. Now you are an adult that is able to take care of the child within you and to heal his wounds. And you are doing that.

I know it hurts a lot to deal with this stuff but there is hope. And you are not alone.

I hope that what I am writing to you makes sense and that it may be useful in some way. As I read what I just wrote I can see that I am also writing these things to myself. I am also on the road to recovery and although I am sad that you had to come here, I am happy that we have this place where we can share our stories, learn from each other, support each other and heal together.

Peace,
Rapahel