I wish my mother--?triggering.../ a stream of "thoughts" response to "fantasies"
I've learned that I have to create my own sense of safety when I'm around others,or alone. there is also a place for judgment here. When it's someone elses turn to say something insensitive I have to know it is about their own pain not mine. It would be a loving thing to do to let them know the impact their words or actions have had on me When it is my turn to be insensitive I need to hear about it from those I've hurt, it is a loving thing to do.
I wish my mother had a supportive place to go to talk about her fantasies before she started begging me to go to bed with her. I'm glad I sought help before my daughters were born because what I knew about intimacy, I had learned from her and I was pretty disgusted. Because of that, I was terrified that I would hurt my daughters. I have known many people who have vehimently hated what their parents said to them and vowed to never inflict the same words on their own kids only to catch themselves after the fact.
My brother who perped me also perped his own daughter.
My mother learned about intimacy with men from her father and grandfather. My brothers and I were in trouble from the 'git-go.'(the day she learned about men.) (Is that how to spell git-go?) From when we were born, her days with us had already been scripted. It was because her thoughts were so unmentionable that she failed to mention them,---- because there was no one who could hear what needed to be said, -- because thinking those thoughts made her evil. I believe she perped her baby brother when she was little,(she was obsessed with him, and he moved a thousand miles away,and rarely communicated) and so her silence was sealed by shame, and she believed that everything happened because she was bad. When she had intimacy needs, they were warped by her experience. I was vulnerable by my very nature as her child and by mynatural ensuing loyalty. I was also vulnerable because of cultural gender biases-- mothers don't hurt their children.
At this point in my life I have accomplished the skills for having deep intimate friendships with friends and my wife and children. I want their esteem and their love. Because of the experiences I have had around intimacy I have to be on guard that my boundaries might get fuzzy. If I let that happen I might jeapordize the friendships/relationships. However, aside from my children, if that even starts to happen, I trust that they will bring it to my attention immediately. I believe they want my esteem and love.
Jung refers to the term shadow and describes it as that part of us that we find unacceptable. He suggests that we learn to love and accept those parts of ourselves. If we fail to do this they tend to control our behavior. I see one of my shadow as the twisted version of intimacy I learned. It is what I learned, my real life experience, if I can't learn to love and accept that part of me, then I can't accept my self. I see it as what that precious wounded child learned and this adult has learned that life doesn't have to be that painful, and can make better choices than the ones I learned. I can unlearn what I've learned. A recovery expression I have heard said is,"If I keep my shadows before me I control them. If I let my shadows slip behind me (denial)then they control me." If the possibility of my being a jerk is not allowed as part of my self concept / is a way I cannot allow myself to be seen, then I run the risk of being a jerk. For example: While early on in the men's movement we gathered as men struggling with trying to redefine masculinity and each of us wanted to see ourselves as noncompetitive caring sensitive men. So what happened? We unconciously began to compete to see who was the most sensitive caring man. Sensitivety one upmanship prevailed, our shadow was our veiled aggression.
Whenever I hear statements, by myself or others, like "I would never do that," I think, Oh,Oh!
---- be gentle with yourselves
I wish my mother had a supportive place to go to talk about her fantasies before she started begging me to go to bed with her. I'm glad I sought help before my daughters were born because what I knew about intimacy, I had learned from her and I was pretty disgusted. Because of that, I was terrified that I would hurt my daughters. I have known many people who have vehimently hated what their parents said to them and vowed to never inflict the same words on their own kids only to catch themselves after the fact.
My brother who perped me also perped his own daughter.
My mother learned about intimacy with men from her father and grandfather. My brothers and I were in trouble from the 'git-go.'(the day she learned about men.) (Is that how to spell git-go?) From when we were born, her days with us had already been scripted. It was because her thoughts were so unmentionable that she failed to mention them,---- because there was no one who could hear what needed to be said, -- because thinking those thoughts made her evil. I believe she perped her baby brother when she was little,(she was obsessed with him, and he moved a thousand miles away,and rarely communicated) and so her silence was sealed by shame, and she believed that everything happened because she was bad. When she had intimacy needs, they were warped by her experience. I was vulnerable by my very nature as her child and by mynatural ensuing loyalty. I was also vulnerable because of cultural gender biases-- mothers don't hurt their children.
At this point in my life I have accomplished the skills for having deep intimate friendships with friends and my wife and children. I want their esteem and their love. Because of the experiences I have had around intimacy I have to be on guard that my boundaries might get fuzzy. If I let that happen I might jeapordize the friendships/relationships. However, aside from my children, if that even starts to happen, I trust that they will bring it to my attention immediately. I believe they want my esteem and love.
Jung refers to the term shadow and describes it as that part of us that we find unacceptable. He suggests that we learn to love and accept those parts of ourselves. If we fail to do this they tend to control our behavior. I see one of my shadow as the twisted version of intimacy I learned. It is what I learned, my real life experience, if I can't learn to love and accept that part of me, then I can't accept my self. I see it as what that precious wounded child learned and this adult has learned that life doesn't have to be that painful, and can make better choices than the ones I learned. I can unlearn what I've learned. A recovery expression I have heard said is,"If I keep my shadows before me I control them. If I let my shadows slip behind me (denial)then they control me." If the possibility of my being a jerk is not allowed as part of my self concept / is a way I cannot allow myself to be seen, then I run the risk of being a jerk. For example: While early on in the men's movement we gathered as men struggling with trying to redefine masculinity and each of us wanted to see ourselves as noncompetitive caring sensitive men. So what happened? We unconciously began to compete to see who was the most sensitive caring man. Sensitivety one upmanship prevailed, our shadow was our veiled aggression.
Whenever I hear statements, by myself or others, like "I would never do that," I think, Oh,Oh!
---- be gentle with yourselves
I am looking for connections with others taking the road less traveled, the one toward recovery.
