I wish I knew the whole story.

[GD]

I came here talking about trying to find my abuser but the moment of clarity that produced that quest was fleeting. It doesn't change anything but I'm not sure if I know everything that she has done, nor if she was the only one. I don't think I'm prepared to learn the truth from her. Recent problems of my brother's have suggested that he may have been abused too and possibly hurt more deeply.
I'm here reading things I wrote in the months after wondering what I was trying to say, trying to fill in the gaps. I've been having the sort of dreams of the kind to make me wonder whether I'm about to find out the much talked about recovered memory way. Its strange, I've always remembered enought to know it was bad, to make it illegal, so I never really worried about the parts I forgot. Its likely they're the worst parts though: The biggest gap is from the early time when I was too well groomed to realize anything was wrong, to my next memories as a terrified trashing kid afraid for her to come near me. What did she do in between? I'm scared to find out in the way I've heard about that sounds so horrible.

 

[New to this]

I'm on the same journey as you. I can't remember what happened in the middle. I remembered 3 days ago the details just before and just after my abuse. I get new clues every day. Every day I think I'm ready to know the whole story. I think I can handle it, but I still can't remember the details. Maybe it is more horrible than I've imagined, or maybe I can only deal with a little at a time.
It can't hurt anymore than it already has. Its like finally getting the answers to a test I flunked.
Devon

 

[Roy]

That is such an excellent way to put it: "...like getting the answers to a test I flunked". For my whole life, there have been deficiencies in the way I function in situations where it seems like I would handle things more effectively or should know better. Like important parts of my brain are missing, but the missing parts are hidden so I (and others) have higher expectations of myself than is reasonable. I wish I could just know the details so I could get on with things. I have all the symptoms, and some flashes of memory which are disconnected so it makes me wonder if anything happened at all. Drives me nuts!

Roy