I wish I got help

TimeToBe

Registrant
I only came to the realization of my childhood sexual traumas 20+ years after they happened. Somehow they camouflaged themselves behind my shame and guilt, and it wasn't until I was doing CBT on my own to deal with panic attacks, one a day for two weeks, that I distanced myself and looked at the source of my dreadful shame and guilt from an adult perspective, looking at a child. I felt unbelievable sorrow, I felt so bad that he had no help, that he felt terrified thinking he would be the one who got in trouble, and that the lack of guidance lead to him walker further into his own traumatization.

I have so many regrets, and there are so many bad life choices and bad experiences that stem from it and I look back at that boy and realize he needs help. For the past week I have had tears, felt numbness, felt exhausted by recurring guilt and panic. I wish I had help that could have guided me, it would have prevented so much.

So finally now at 34, I'm seeking help and this forum is one of the ways I'm doing it.
 
First off, well done having the courage to come here. I was surprised when I first came how hard it was for me.

You got to the realization about your younger self much sooner than I did. I am in my early 50's and only two weeks ago, for the first time in my life, felt love and compassion toward my younger self. I had blamed him for the abuse. Only in the past few weeks have begun to honor how difficult it was for him to navigate life after the abuse without any help.

And it may not feel good but that sorrow is good. After seeing my counselor for about six months, he shared with me Five Good Things (goals) he had for me. One of them was to 'remember and mourn'. I thought it was an odd goal that I really didn't understand. It took me about a year but the tears started flowing as I mourned. I think mourning and feeling sorrowful about our past is necessary.

I don't know what your regrets are but I too have had many regrets. So many of the things I regret though I did to deal with my abuse. It was my response to abuse I couldn't understand. It was my way of pursuing understanding, healing, or intimacy. I don't regret them as much anymore and in some cases have begun to honor the ways that they helped me survive.

A difficult journey was forced on us. And the journey of facing it and healing isn't easy. But it is worth it.
 

Me Not Me

Registrant
Welcome TimeToBe. I’m mostly OK now with little me (I know he did his best), but I can still get angry with him. I’m sorry that you experienced something bad to cause your deep sorrow, but I’m glad that you’re letting yourself mourn. Joining MS is a good way to seek help.
 
@TimeToBe welcome. Most of us have a story similar to yours... forgetting, then remembering, then regretting all the things we've done that happened because we were traumatized. Yes, grieving is absolutely part of the process, though often we are lost in shame, terror and rage which make grieving impossible. But you have your heart open to the boy who experienced those horrors, which will definitely help you as you continue your healing journey. That, of course, is what all of us are doing here... sharing the painful memories with men who understand and who are willing to support us along the way. You're not alone with any of this. And please remember... nothing that happened before, during or after these trauma(s) was your fault. You have been eternally innocent. You may have hurt others as well as yourself and will eventually wish to make amends, but you have done nothing that warrants forgiveness. You were simply trying to survive and in doing so you may have acted out things you learned in the midst of being traumatized. Those things all belong to the perpetrator, not you. I'm glad your found us and chose to introduce yourself as you have. I hope to see you on the board. You'll find kindred spirits here.
 

TimeToBe

Registrant
The regrets are how long I viciously cut apart every interaction I had with anyone, broke it down to what I did wrong and catastrophized it. 20+ years of carrying feelings of insufficiency, fear of commitment, fear of growing or improving my life like I didn't deserve to. I always perceived myself in the most unfair, most negative way I could as if that would save me from something. Imprisoning myself from the shame. 34, I've realized I was making myself worse, not better and I grieve for the lost loves and lost opportunities to live a fulfilling life I couldn't hold onto. It's a new day now though.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome Time tobe, Our brain tries to protect us from many things, except does not do a good job from ourselves. We all learn how to heal on different levels of time and life. the one thing we do manage to do is find ourselves here together.
I happy you have discover as much as your have so far about your self good work and soon you find out more about yourself. The healing pross takes time a life time. Hopefully you get married, and have a family and be able to share you story not just here but with them as well and and live a full life. The abuse experience never goes away but we learn to live with it and manage its feelings. Sounds like you have taken a big step in the right direction. we are all here to support u.
 

Dan99

Registrant
Good for you for getting after it. I didn't visit a therapist until I was in my 40s, so you're way ahead of me. And like you, I wish like hell I'd gotten a handle on all this shit while I was much younger, before I made so many poor decisions based on my perceptions as a victim.

Take care and keep up the good work.
 

Samson360

Registrant
I only came to the realization of my childhood sexual traumas 20+ years after they happened. Somehow they camouflaged themselves behind my shame and guilt, and it wasn't until I was doing CBT on my own to deal with panic attacks, one a day for two weeks, that I distanced myself and looked at the source of my dreadful shame and guilt from an adult perspective, looking at a child. I felt unbelievable sorrow, I felt so bad that he had no help, that he felt terrified thinking he would be the one who got in trouble, and that the lack of guidance lead to him walker further into his own traumatization.

I have so many regrets, and there are so many bad life choices and bad experiences that stem from it and I look back at that boy and realize he needs help. For the past week I have had tears, felt numbness, felt exhausted by recurring guilt and panic. I wish I had help that could have guided me, it would have prevented so much.

So finally now at 34, I'm seeking help and this forum is one of the ways I'm doing it.
so glad you're here my friend and I do hope you get help. Doing the CBT was a good start. I too am trying to do the CBT as my therapist suggested. What I think about is even though I would not have went to my father about the abuse, he pretty much hated me for some reason and verbally abused at all times. But I don't know why I didn't go to my mother, who was a very loving and supportive mother. But I do know at the age of nine that somehow I believed it was my fault and I think I was to ashamed to ever tell anyone up until the past few years. All my best to you
 

WG

Registrant
Welcome, TimeTo Be. Sorry for what brought you here but at the same time, glad you found us. I'm a bit older than a number of the guys here (67) and I didn't tell anyone until I about 7 years ago. My wife always thought it was her. People would say, "Ever notice how you really never know him? It's like he has a defense wall up or something." Little did they know that the tell jokes, enjoy a conversation over coffee, love to travel with my wife and children was hurting so deeply inside. I finally had to get help with whatever it was that was eating at me - and I knew part of it was the sexual abuse, but more and more was understood at I went to therapy. My advice is : if your therapist is skilled with this area of trauma, stay with them. Develop a history with them. You get comfortable and will be able to discuss more.
The sorrow, the shame, the hurt, the searing pain do begin to dim over time, but they truly never really disappear.
 
Welcome to here. I hope that this group will be helpful to you in finding peace and healing from your past. There is a lot of work that goes into healing, as I'm discovering, but I do have faith that the end result will be worth it.
 
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