I wasn't clear

I wasn't clear
S

Sum12Watch

Registrant
Thanks to all who answered my first post. I read with interest and understand everything you were saying. I am with you all.
But I didn't make myself clear, I guess. My SA is in therapy and has been for 3 years now. But it has not gone well. At first I blamed it strictly on the therapists. The first, though advertising an expertise and supposedly himself being a survivor, only over-medicated and didn't ever seem to focus on any of the problems. The second doesn't seem to have a clear expertise. But now, I also notice, and wonder, if my SA is really trying to get help. I am sensing a desire in him to remain a victim. Oh, he verbalizes that he will do anything in the world to get better, but when something new is offered, he rejects or ignores it. There seem to be a lot of secondary gains in his depressions, possibly that even he isn't noticing, but frustrating none the less.
As the victim, he doesn't have to take reponsibility, as the victim, he seems to blame the abuse for every thing that happens in the today world. He can't make a decision, because of the depression and insists others make it for him. Yet, if you make the wrong decision (that obviously he had already decided what he really wanted to do) then you aren't the loving support he expected. And sometimes, it just really gets to me. And all the other support around him. It's like nothing should be going on in their lives except his pain. And God forbid, something negative should happen to a support person in a day, because it can't possibly be as bad as what he went through.

It may be a symptom, I don't know. But sometimes, it sure feels like he has now found a place where he doesn't think he has to face his problems, he can just spend 24/7 feeling and being a victim, and feels the world now owes it to him to forgive everything he does or doesn't do, because he was abused. And this bothers me greatly, because this is a wonderful man who deserves happiness. But, we who are supporting him are also wonderful people who deserve that same happiness.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
 
As the victim, he doesn't have to take reponsibility, as the victim, he seems to blame the abuse for every thing that happens in the today world. He can't make a decision, because of the depression and insists others make it for him. Yet, if you make the wrong decision (that obviously he had already decided what he really wanted to do) then you aren't the loving support he expected. And sometimes, it just really gets to me. And all the other support around him. It's like nothing should be going on in their lives except his pain. And God forbid, something negative should happen to a support person in a day, because it can't possibly be as bad as what he went through.

It may be a symptom, I don't know. But sometimes, it sure feels like he has now found a place where he doesn't think he has to face his problems, he can just spend 24/7 feeling and being a victim, and feels the world now owes it to him to forgive everything he does or doesn't do, because he was abused.
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Sum12Watch
Sorry to quote so much back to you here, but it set all my bells ringing, I spent over 30 years doing this. Although I have to add that nobody knew anything about my abuse or any other reason I was a 'victim'

I didn't recognise it at all at the time, and if it had been pointed out to me maybe I would have denied it. After all, I thought I was OK and every one else was on my case !

It's just so much easier to be the victim, retreat and do nothing, play the idiot and let everyone else do the work and worrying. That's exactly how I played it.
Of course I say this with the benefit of hindsight, but I believe my wife would shout "YES HE DID !" from this side of the Atlantic to yours.

Only by making MY mind up to change, did I change.
Once I had made that decision I needed all the help I could get, and I took it.
But for me it couldn't have been the other way around, as soon as I was pushed my old way of thinking ( victim thinking ) just made me worse.

Dave
 
SumW - Boy do I hear you loud and clear! I was the son of a very negative family...believed every word I learned,"..you can't do that; you're not smart enough" and blamed for every little thing I did wrong...never a positive! My victim was a smart cookie at learning the helpless game!! There was another "game" I played called 'Yes but'...every time someone would give me a suggestion, I'd say,"Yes but" and give the reason it wouldn't work (from a book called "The Games People Play"). Everyone would work so hard to help me find my answer...nothing would ever work. So what DID work?

People I worked with were so positive about me and I was so negative (observation). I came across a saying, "Tell me what YOU CAN DO and not what YOU CAN'T". As I put a positive spin on my day, I found I felt better. As I was able to incorporate more postiveness my life began to change. I began to attempt more positive things in my life. As I realized I really could do for myself (rip up the old family tapes) and succeeded...I enjoyed being the one on the outside helping the guy in the middle.

It sounds easy, doesn't it? HONK!! Wrong!! It takes work, others who are willing to take risks along with you and encourage you. But, when you move in that direction..there is nothing like it! Now, I haven't arrived and struggle with my negativism (yeah-that sucker is strong and sometimes won't quit!). But it sure beats where I was!!

BTW It is very hard to find an effective T!! I used them to point me in the right direction then worked mostly on my own or with a support group.

Hope it helped! Questions? PM me!

Howard
 
Howard
I have more alarm bells ringing again !!
I was just the same, and we act so well that we cover it somehow by making 'valid' excuses on the one hand and acting a bit dumb on the other.

It's a horrible way to live, underachieving by making an effort at doing it !

Dave :confused:
 
Howard and Dave,
Thanks so much for the replies. Damned, but I didn't realize I was so into feeling like I was the only one, but guess I am.
The postiveness statements are taken, appreciated and I know they are true. But, you are right, sometimes it is really, really hard to be that way.
At the moment, I am feeling totally out of control of a situation I CANNOT control. But it is frustrating, none the less. I want to support and help my survivor, but I can say that everything I do, or I find, or I bring to help is immediately disgarded or ignored. He craves another survivor to talk to, who has incorporated it with his life and moved forward. I find one willing to meet and talk (through my own course in attempting to remain myself through this), but the person I found was the wrong sex. In our metro area, there seems to be a surprisingly limited number of groups. So, he thinks that even a good chat room environment would be helpful. I find lists of multiple possibilities that seem legitimate (and, yeah,I more than realize there are some harmful people out there...he has repeatedly run into them), but the lists I find remain unused. The first therapist had him so massively over-medicated, and I found, his license in jeopardy, but...when I presented this, it still took months for my survivor to realize that this was not THE therapist.(Afterall, this is a doctor, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me)
And I can see as I am writing this, that I am taking on too much responsibility myself trying to do this, and HE has to accomplish it.
;) Score one for therapeutic concept of putting things into writing! I just felt better.
Wishing you two, and all who happen to read this the best for today. Thank you for the support.
Larry
 
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