I wasn’t bad - TRIGGERS

[traveler]

It wasn’t any one thing that triggered me today. It was a combination of numerous little things – some of the recent threads here as well as recent events in my own life and reviewing my memories and assessing my emotional reactions. This morning in the mididle of my workout at the Y I reached a sudden realization and just started crying.

I wasn’t bad!

When the abuse by the step-dad started, it was framed as punishment for something I had done – whether exaggerated or imagined – totally disproportionate to the presumed offense. It was always my fault. I was bad. I was contemptible. I was worthless. I deserved whatever I got. At first, I rebelled internally. I knew it wasn’t true. And I was angry that I was being blamed when I was not guilty. I was angry that I was being punished when I did not deserve it. But I was powerless. I was only 5 ½.

At first it was verbal along with physical abuse – whippings with belts or switches. Later it sometimes turned sexual as he discovered that it was an even more effective way to break me. Exposing me, ridiculing my body and my feelings, my sensitivity and my interests, calling me names, questioning my orientation, sometimes manipulating me physically as well as verbally and emotionally, culminating in rape with household objects as a pretext for loosening me up for enemas to clean me out.

At some point, I must have given up the resistance to the pressure and just accepted the message that was repeated and re-emphasized with each assault and negative word: I was bad. And the obvious and logical conclusion was that I deserved this treatment. Why continue to fight the blame when I couldn’t fight the abuse? It was easier to believe I was bad than to have to deal with the constant inner conflict and anger at the injustice and helplessness I felt. Life then “made sense.”

What I remembered this morning was how my younger Lee felt – the moral outrage – the “it’s not fair!” certainty – which had been lost – and replaced with the resignation and acquiescence and passive acceptance of my lot. I re-connected with my earliest emotions and was able to identify and make sense of those reactions.

So when the memory of those feelings washed over me, I quietly went to the locker room and sat in a toilet stall and let the tears flow. Little Lee whispered, “I wasn’t bad.” And I reassured my younger self, “No, you weren’t. You did not deserve it.” And another load of shame fell away.

Lee (both little and BIG)

 

[Barkabus]

Wow Lee,

What a powerful and liberating breakthrough you made today!

Why continue to fight the blame when I couldn’t fight the abuse?

These are the words of a young child's spirit being broken. Young Lee's only recourse was to submit. My gosh, what else could a 5 1/2 year old do, right?

Little Lee whispered, “I wasn’t bad.”

I cried when I read these words. Little Lee's words are simple, powerful and liberating.

And I reassured my younger self, “No, you weren’t. You did not deserve it.” And another load of shame fell away.

Well said and well done Lee! Thanks for sharing this with us.

Mike

 

[seachange]

Thank you traveler. So very moving. I've been feeling again my childhood outrage too: "The injustice!" And again the adult me is shaking his head in sadness and disbelief: "How could they possibly have done that, it's senseless and cruel!" But they did. And I did conclude that I deserved the abuse because I was bad. It's so affirming to read your adult self say "No, you weren't bad."

I have read that when a child is being hurt by an adult, it might be self-protective for the child to believe that he is bad, and not the adult. Because if he concludes he's the bad one, then there's hope for change (I could be better and that might stop them hurting me).

But if the adults (who I'm trusting to keep me alive) are bad, then all hope is lost, and the world actually is what it appears to be, a senseless hell with devils in charge. A much scarier place for a child to live. And he might just give up.

So by taking on the shame & the "badness", the child gains a sense of power, control, and his world retains enough hope to allow him to get out of childhood alive.

Well now I'm unlearning some of the shame and crap I took on in early childhood. As I do, I feel better and better about myself, and the world. But some adults look more and more like the bad crap they actually were! It's a trade-off worth making. seachange

 

[Tom E.]

how horrible what you went through

 

[traveler]

thank you, Mike, seachange, and Tom E.
it helps to know that someone else gets it.
Lee

 

[Ceremony]

I'm very sorry about how horrible he and others were to you Lee. To re-ignite the light of self shows steps toward thriving. We can all see how painful the journey is by how you're sharing. We feel with you, and know this has a place in validating your life.

 

[KMCINVA]

Lee

Sorry so many triggers converged in one day. You responded well--you are not bad and you did not deserve the abuse--which shows you are healing and taking control of your life. I am a believer in affirmations and I use them when I am feeling down or questioning myself. Affirmations as you did seem to bring me back to the place I deserve, my happy place.

I know the feelings can be overwhelming and you have shown growth and courage in how you have responded. I am happy your journey forward continues.

Kevin

 

[traveler]

thanks, Ceremony and Kevin. your words are appreciated.

i just want to add that the "high" from this has persisted for several days. i know it was a significant milestone and i keep stopping myself and asking why i feel so good - and then remember - it is like a precious secret that i can cherish.

i was also able to share it in a support group and privately with a survivor friend. both times it seemed to speak to the listeners - and made it more real to me.

Lee

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Lee,

This is an incredibly important realization and it will hopefully serve your life well from here onward. It is literally a game-changer.

I came to similar understandings during my many bouts of journaling. I would write about some dreadful experiences and began to see them from a different perspective. I began to get really angry at how I was treated, and my whole perspective on my self-worth - and on truth - began to change.

It is also worth echoing what Sea change wrote about the psychology behind why children tend to blame themselves. We do it because accepting that parents or other authority figures are evil is way too scary and unsettling for a child or young person. Seachange detailed all of that way better than I ever could, and he is right on the money about it.

Now that you have grasped your new truths, my hope is that they will lead to a monumental shift in how you deal with others and your ability to have compassion on yourself. It was eventually that way for me.

Best,

Chris

 

[traveler]

Thank you, Chris. I believe it has already made a big difference in how i see myself and hope that it will continue to improve the way I relate to others.

lee