Hi Blue,
I think you were referring to my post today.
I actually came from a "toxic" family, suffered no sexual abuse myself but I did receive physical and emotional abuse.
Our family (all 4 kids and both parents) went into counselling in 1974. I was 6 years old.
We had extensive counselling for all family members at a time when (you were still labelled crazy or weak if you received help).
I gained a lot of experience and knowledge during the two years that we received treatment, albeit, I was very young and did not understand all the words being used, but I being a middle (3rd) child understood precisely - what body language and emotional response was. I also inherently knew the details of our toxic life at home - and that we would only talk about it in the presence of the counselor.
As I grew up I continued to read self help books purely out of curiosity and specifically to try and understand people and relationship dynamics, interpersonal communication etc.
As an adult between ages 21 and 30 I had what I called "tune-up" counselling. When I was dealing with stressful issues in life - I would see a therapist for a short amount of time to help me get over a bump and bring new perspective to what I was trying to figure out at that time.
In having these professional experiences over and throughout my life I have gained enough perspective into ego motivation, value and belief systems which dictate the motivations in people, that I feel I don't need it (counselling)at the present time- in dealing with my mate. I worry that someday I may need to - but until that day arrives - I feel I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to understand and attempt to connect on a very personal level with my mate - who feels presently that he can only talk to me about it.
I do not take his trust lightly and so that is why I am careful about how I express my feelings toward his mother in his presence about how she victimized him.
As a victim of abuse he has unpredictable boundaries - that a person who had not been through the exact experience cannot see. I am just careful that I don't inadvertantly step all over those boundaries or even attempt to move the line until I have identified it and figured out why it's there to begin with.
He was severely victimized (physicallly tortured and repeatedly molested) I think that his boundaries are important for his safety and sanity right now, and so I allow him his saftey zone, until I sense he is ready to move the line for me - I need him to give me that invitation first.
I have been patiently at his side utilizing these techniques and have made extreme efforts to listen and understand what he silently tells me that he needs to purge the abuse.
I also know that there may come a time when I can do no more for him, and when that happens I will ask him if he is ready.
Until then I just prefer to allow him his own pace.
He has not had his full fledged panic attacks since he finally opened up to me about all of it, which was approximately 14 months ago or a little longer. He still has episodes of depression comingled with extreme insecurity that last about 24 to 48 hours, but the all out fetal position sweats for 9 hours at a time and depression that lasts for days on end - stopped when he found a understanding and patient outlet in me.
I realize the tendency toward dependency on me, and we talk openly about all of the isses that could derail his healing. We are aware that we walk on sacred ground at the moment.
I hope this explains a little more ...
Holly
