I was used

I let this guy know what happened to me in 1996 . How a homeless person I tried to help had sex with me and then started to blackmail me and I became his sex slave for a bout 9 months. I am suffering with brain damage as a result of my last job, being exposed to weird chemicals. I wasn't on the proper medication and so this guy would hide my medicine and then he would tell me that if I told anyone he would say that I was forcing him to stay and coercing him into having sex. He told me that God would not love me anymore if my bishop found out and he would constantly tell me that who was going to believe me because I was mental. God. I could barely walk because Of the neuropathy that I had really bad, why did this guy make me believe all this crap.

So now I decide to tell someone what happened to me. I had stopped taking my medicine for 1 week without realizing it, because I kept putting off going to the pharmacy. So here I go telling this guy all the things which happened to me. I even told him about the memory problems. SO I let him into my house and he tells me his story which is crap and he wants me to have oral sex with him. I tell him no. But he keeps telling me all this stuff and then he comes over to my bed and says that all he wants to do is hold my hand. While he does this he tells me that He felt like he has known me for ever and that he will never leave me. I have been alone for so long that I will do anything for someone to love me. So he gives me a massage then he gets naked and has me give him oral sex. Afterwards he starts apologizing for having convinced me to do this over and over again.

I got back on my medicine and almost jumped off the 8th floor of a mall in the inside. Now I just keep masturbating and can't stop. My penis is so sore. Why do I keep doing this? He still wants to be my friend. I want him to leave me alone. Now I won't let no one touch me. I won't go to church. I wanted to live and now I just want to die.

 

[pondboy]

you've been used. and its not your fault. don't let what some creep did to you when you were not yourself define you. don't let him get power over your thoughts. are you getting any counseling.? keep talking in the discussion forum and let us know how you are doing. chuck (pondboy)

 

It is like this guy has some control over me. Even though this isn't the guy that had me a prisoner in my own home. I still, when I see this new guy feel like I have to perform for him. It is so strange. Like I have to please him or he will hurt me. I get scared and I don't know why? My doctor says that i am well enough now to defend myself, but my mind takes me back to that last time., and so I feel helpless. My body still fatigues pretty quickly, because my lungs aren't working well. I have to use oxygen-for real. So when I am in an isolated situation I feel like the only way to get out of it is perform. I was afraid he would get angry with me if I didn't please him. I say that I was lonely. Yes, but I was also afraid and when I don't take my medicine this is how I get, afraid. It is like everyone is expecting me to kill myself. I read the other posts and I am wondering if this could be shame or guilt. I couldn't feel anything when he touched me. I am wondering if that is the results of the demyelinating neuropathy or because I just didn't want to be here. It is like I shut the whole world out, no emotions. Just working to survive. But why? Was I in danger?

I am starting to see that my whole life now revolves around pleasing the men around me, not sexually, but whenever they ask me for something I am afraid to say no.

Why do I think no one will believe me? What if any is there any diference between childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual abuse? WHy do I feel this way? And why is this guy trying to always come around me and say he wants to be my friend? Then start saying he is lonely? I know what he means. I can't avoid him he goes to the same church. He just moved here to this city and I thought he was a nice person and then found out he was lying. I was angry and not sad . Usually I cry a lot now I can't cry, I can't cry.

 

[SoCalJohn]

Don,

I believe you.

The guy that turned you into his like slave and did that whole guilt number on your head, what an asshole, that is like so so so terrible, its just horrible that anyone would do that to another person, i am glad he is no longer in your life.

For me, compulsive masturbation was just another way to not be there, an escape from the pain i saw all around me.

The part about him having some kind of control over you, thats what i call me going on *autopilot* for me its like i am out of control and i am getting triggered somehow so that i am like acting out something from the past, i cant really make any kind of good decisions for myself and am just pretty much at the mercy of whoever is there, i think it has a lot to do with me needing to be perfect so someone will love me.

When i disassociate its almost always cus the situation i am in is unpleasant or worse and i just dont want to be there, so i go away.

As far as this guy coming around, he does not sound like he is too healthy for you to hang out with him, it sounds like maybe he is taking advantage of your situation to get what he wants, i dont hear anything about him truly caring about you at all. If i could not do it for myself i would try and find someone to help me if i was you, someone to like run interference so this leach does not suck you dry and then just throw you away, which as harsh as it may sound is what it sounds like to me.

I dont like the part about not crying, when i get like that its cus i am shut down and that means i am not in a good place.

I hope things get better for you real soon.

John

[ 08-01-2001: Message edited by: SoCalJohn ]

 

I went to counseling today. Thanks for the advice. I went to the Gay and leasbian center in hollywood and talked with a counselor. I told him what happened and now I will start counseling next week.

I know quite a bit about physiology and neurophysiology so I have a tendency not to asociate any of my behaviors with emotions, but with the neurochemical cause. You are right socal that I compulsively masturbated to get out. I don't drink, smoke, use drugs, or alcohol, or even caffeine. So I was able to tell the counselor about his and the conclusion was drawn that I was self-medicating. The masturbation releases endorphins so I was getting high through this. I will hit the gym tomorrow. But the most important thing is that I cried. It took a while but I cried. This recent attack has triggered a lot of memories from my youth and from killing people In desert storm. I have a lot of issues to deal with. My doctor will not touch the emotional issues, becasue he believes that I am suffering from inflammation of the brain, so if I don't take my medicine, I just can't cope.

I have hurt so many people and I mean Iraqis. The war wasn't just a bunch of button pushing from miles away. SO I happen to be one of the many combat vets who actully killed people and saw the results. I can't say no to people because I don't want to hurt anyone even their emotions. I do beleive that the perfection issue may be a part of it too. But this guy triggered too much trauma for me.

When this guy made me his slave I wasn't on the proper medication and the pain was unbearable, but because my memory was so bad I haven't dealt with it yet.

I want to live that is why I went to the counselor. I have worked too hard. I almost became a mental vegetable and sacrificed a lot to get treatment for my illness. So I have to confront things which I don't want to. But I am still afraid of my abusers. Because I kept telling the counselor it was my fault. And since I helped kill all those iraqis I don't deserve any better.I,m bad.

 

I found out what happened to me is called.

It is called exploitation of the disabled or elderly. Wow.

 

[getteddie]

Hi,
I see this in myself...once forced to submit totally..it is very hard for most people to say no. I can't do it unless I really work on it and sometimes that don't work...hidding works and jacking off is OK...self-med...other people don't like it and try to force it on you...use lots of lub!

Eddie

 

It was like reading a chapter in my life. Compulsive masterbation is an awful way to live. So Cal John said it really well. Its not you're fault. You have company here. I hope things get for you.

D.

 

I don't really know why I keep writing on this board. I know I have said everything there is to say.I just can't believe what has happened to me over the last coupleof yrs. I can't believe I let people hurt me. I can't believe it.

I talked with my bishop yesterday at church because I took someones advice on this bb and went to someone who could run interference for me. I asked him to make this guy leave me alone. He said the guy wasn,t invited anymore and as hard as it was i even told him he threatened me.

I can't believe how sick I got just thinking about going to church yesterday. My lower legs started to hurt and give way. when I got there I was a freak. I wouldn't let no one touch me. I think that is waht I was afraid to go to church with all these people hugging each other and wrapping their arms around each other. I was shaking and couldn't believe the crap I was telling the bishop. How I want them to stop hurting me, but who? I want them to leave me alone. I want them to leave me alone. I told him how one of my previous bishops told me after he found out what happened to me in 1996 and 1997 that if I had of told him he would have made it stop. And then I kept saying over and over to make it stop, don't let them hurt me. But who the hell are them? It was only this guy doing it .I just was afraid. Anyway as this guy never showed up, I began to feel comfortable around my friends, although now I have decided I will not get too close to anyone especially new ppeople who come to our church.

I met with the bishop and he pretty much indicateed that previous bishops said this guy was having problems and he didn't go into detail.

So thanks to you guys I have averted a situation which would have gotten out of hand. And I am safe . But believe me I am sitll going to go to the GAy and lesbian center for counseling. I have to . They deal with these situations all the time. I just know I will put it out of my mind and it will come back to haunt me. Teenagers in their late teens pretty much scare the living crap out of me right now. There are more issues that are being drawn out because of what recently happened to me. I just hope I don't sink all of a sudden. I am afraid of the counseling actually, too much hurt.

 

[pondboy]

you may be concerned about the counseling hurting and it might!! but it will help you understand the basis of your pain. I'd keep trying some good physical exercise to see if you can get some peace that way. keep writing to us. we care about how you are doing. chuck

 

I,ve put off going to counseling. I have to go to the center on MOndays or thursdays between 12:30 or so.

I am spending a lot of time wtrapped up in other things. I even have a sore throat that has been bothering me and can't seem to go to the doctors to get it checked out. It got like this after that B*****rd came in my mouth I don't know maybe a day or two and now it is like the left side of my throat on the inside is swollen or soemething. I really do not know what it is?

Anyway I have been caught up in important meetings and today I noticed that a man in the meeting who was a bit effeminate , you know the gay stereo type look and act of a gay man made me nervous. I am not sure if this was because of my recent abuse or if because it was a higher altitude in a tall building with the windows open. But I felt nervous when people would pat me on the back or get close to me.

 

I saw him today when I walked to the bus stop. I don't thnk he saw me and I walked back the other way.

How do I get him it has been over two weeks. WHAt do I do? DO I make a complaint? Someone please tell me what to do before I call up any favors from my friends around here who know me. The ex-gang members and drug dealers who can still get the ones still in the racket to run interference for me.

I was never into any of that, but where I live now I have helped a lot of people who are trying to better themselves. If they even heard about what this guy did to me I am so afraid what they might do to him.

[ 08-10-2001: Message edited by: donp ]

 

[pondboy]

don't do anything to hurt this other guy or have someone else do it for you. that will just create more problems. do all you can to avoid him. if he gets hurt, the satisfaction you may feel will be shortlived but the problems it may create for you could have a long life. protect yourself. you are doing better, I think. do you think the counseling is helping?

 

I can't hurt nobody so why did I even write it down. I am doing so much better. Yeah. right!

I found out I have tonsilitis. That is what the doctor said in the emergency room. But when I related the sexual assault they kind of believed me but then they didn't once they find out my address they have tendency not to believe anything I say. I hate all of them .I just hate them.

These bastards know they can get away with it because I am sick with neuropsychiatric problems. For them that means mental.

What the hell stops me from getting passive aggressive like doing what I said I might.

How come they get away with this crap?

No one will answer me will they, because you probaby think I am mental, well screw you too.

I haven't been going to counseling. Do you know why, because I am still vulnerable. I have worked so hard to get better, became homeless, gave up a good housing situation just to get better and then these bastards come along and want to probably give me HIV.

I have to get an Hiv test now, because I was asked to lie down by a male nurse to be given an antibiotic shot and I couldn't because I started to cry . The doctor came back into the emergency room and I told him that I couldn't because this is how he started. He made me lie on my stomach. I don't want to go to counseling. I am afraid afraid someone will try to hurt me, if I tell them.

I am very suggestible, I do what they say.

Why? I know why? Because the medicine is only delaying the degenerative process of my brain, so I will experince times I can be assertive and times I can not.

I really do not know what to do?

 

[pondboy]

have you reviewed what is happening to your brain with a psychiatrist? who is going over your medication with you? you should be staying with your counselor. please try it again. chuck (pondboy)

 

I have a neuropsychiatrist. I am legitimately suffering from a degenerative inflammatory illness of my brain, which because of my young age of 30 I am able to use medications which older people can not use for the same type of condition.

I am doing fine now. I went to God saturday night and HE has assured me no one will be able to hurt me that way anymore.

ANd no I am not talking about suicide. Or hurting soemone else.

I have life to live and this cycling from self destructive behavior and denial I just can not afford to do it because I never know when I won't be able to remember and enjoy life.
I will be fine.

 

[pondboy]

I'm glad you are doing better. the medication should help you. I'm also glad you have a clear diagnosis. that will help you dealing with it. My thoughts are with you. chuck

 

FYI

I thought I would leave this little tid bit before I log off of this forum.

I read all of the information concerning the fact that people with disabilities will always be subject to acts of viloence from predators sexual or whatever type of exploitation and there will not be any kind of justice. It is a common thing for me not to be believed. Even if I have a nose bleed due to high blood pressure I have been accused of making my nose bleed just to get attention. There will be some kind of justice for those of us with physical and mental disabilities, somewhere down the road.

When I was at the emergency room I did not want to go to the police because I juist can't handle the mind games they play with you. I have been here before. I went to the police so many years ago and they just made me feel so horrible.

Today I walked by a doctors office with a big blue banner with HIV testing in big letters. I could feel the fear. It will always be in the back of my mind, but I have to keep it there. I have to keep it there. Because I am too sick and I have to live life to the fullest. I have to keep these things the furthest I can from my mind. Or I will never accomplish the things in life I was sent here to do.

I just wished the pain would go away, but with a big strong Father like God protecting me and near I don't have to let the fear and pain overtake me and just picture in my mind my Father holding me in HIs arms. I want my daddy but my daddy could give a crap aboutme, because I know what he did those many years ago to my retarded stepsister. He raped her. I had forgottten about it until I had to see him when I got sick because he was closer to the doctor . He asked me a question ? What did I think about people who committed crimes? In said " You do the crime you do the time." From then on he tried to make me go crazy, I Overdosed on klonipin becasue I thought it would make my headaches go away. It was maing things worse because I was having rebound headaches.

The headaches went away in the hospital after I told the social worker about what my father had done to my stepsister. I had kept that buried so long. Me, he used to beat the living crap out of me. I was pawned off from one parent to the next or even pawned onto relatives when I was growing up. He used to say not to say anything because if my grandmother had a heart attack it would be my fault.

Like that person who told me god wouldn't love me anymore if my bishop found out what was happening, to this guy telling me I would be finished and life would be over if I told anyone what was going on, It has been the story of my life, but when I told on this guy to the Bishop I broke the cycle of these types of people hurting me, I hope.

I don't understand the resons for my sexual abuse as an adult. Ihave to be honest. I know exactly what it is. As my brain deteriorates and my short term memory gets harder to use, those long term memories which I have from my childhood are welling up and so are the emotions as a child. I want my daddy. I want my daddy to love me. I want my daddy to hold me. I want my daddy to come home. but my daddy wants me to keep my mouth shut about what he did to my stepsister. So he continues to try to tell everyone that I am crazy, even my relatives, but they believe me, other than what my dad did to my stepsister. And his constant telling them not to believe anything I say they are starting to ignore.

So now I am getting better since I broke this cycle I hope. But I am on my medicine and the question will remain with me will another person make me compliant again? I don't know.

I just long to go home to be with my real father who is in heaven. The one who will not nor has abandoned me although I play passive agressive games with Him I know He still loves me.

 

I am going to go to therapy on thursday. I can,t stop blaming myself. No matter what, I still feel ashamed.

I am afraid. I don't know why I keep coming back to this site.

I just want to be punished. I can't help it. Everything my real dad told me and the abusers keep creeping into my thoughts.

I have to deal with this because if I don't I will forfeit achieving my true potential. I am doing things right now which I never thought I could, because these people made me believe that I was a bad person, I wonder how much more I could accomplish.

I will start thursday. I wished I had someone to talk to.

I also think that all of this talk on the television is also triggering memories.