I was set up.

[John E]

Triggers

When the beatings from my mean and angry father came they were severe. One time he beat me so badly I was not able to walk for months. I could not have been older than 7 or 8. I knew the lesson, do as you are told, don't piss anyone off or you will suffer dire consequences.
I became paranoid about how I would be punished if people were angry with me, I was full of fear.
I never told anyone what my cousins had done to me. Actually I didn't know what they did but I knew I would be blamed. I didn't want anyone to know. I even feared they would tell on me. I did not know I was a victim. The sexual abuse was random because we lived in different cities.
Years later while visiting at a family gathering the 2 cousins took me to what I thought was a bar. I don't recall ever having a conversation with either one of them. In fact I didn't know their individual names.
Anyway it turned out it must have been a gay bar. They offered me up for a gang rape. To be honest I have no idea how many. I had to shut down.
For decades I have felt humiliated, anxious, depressed, fearful, and have suffered PTSD.
I'm pretty rattled today.

 

[SmartShadow]

(((John)))

Yes you were set up.
So so sorry for all you went through it must be horrific to deal with violence and betrayal at this level. I can relate the the set up. Thanks for sharing this with us.

 

[SmartShadow]

I think I was made vonarable by the vilance from my farther and also my brother. Also the emotional manipulation from my mom. Violence started at a young age. Before age 1 and stopped when I was 18 upon leaving home... Wow I numbing out just thinking about it.

Violence threatened my ongoing safety. I had to find a way to become invisible and present at the same time. My vonrabilitys were uncovered and used against me in the grooming process. He was able to achieve a high level of controlling me in a relative shot amount of time.

(I often interpreted my compliance with willingness) this is a key understanding

I had aready been beat into compliance and keeping my abusers happy with me. I think others can pick up on how easy it was to manipulate us.

When I was 5 a mean neighbor girl about 10 asked me to put my hand on a rock so she could step on it. I was so afraid. She kindly just keeped telling me to put my hand on the rock. I did and she ground her heal into the back of my hand.
I could not make the conection why I did that untill now.

At 15 it must have been no different. I think I was targeted because the perp could see my venerability and how easy it would be to get what he wanted. Someone else had done all the work for him.

Making these connections is difficult but I think it is the way forward.
But this is exhausting work.

 

[John E]

It is hard work but it is rewarding. Thank you for contributing your experiences, it is helpful to me. Much appreciated. I agree, compliance is NOT willingness, that was helpful to me.

 

[Nothing Man]

Surviving sexual abuse is more than challenging enough, but when the abuse is perpetrated and permitted by family, it becomes even more difficult to deal with. When the very people who were supposed to be looking out for the child because his or her abusers life can be so overwhelmingly incomprehensible that we can shut down. Our faces, our body language and our attitudes show the rest of the world that we are open and vulnerable and the predators will not fail to pounce on the easy target.

My own mother was one of the people who so badly abused me. She abused me physically, sexually, verbally and psychologically. She was still hitting me when I was in my twenties. She sexually abused me serially until I was about 16. And yet I maintained a relationship with her until she died.

I think we as survivors have a right to decide for ourselves how we will deal with our abusers and their enablers. For some of us, cutting all ties is the answer. For others, the answer is much more complicated.

Foundationally, however, we cannot ignore the damage the trauma in our past causes us today. Healing and peace is possible but it is a difficult path.

 

[John E]

I had to cut ties with my family of origin. They thought I was their financial provider. My father told my wife she stole me. What an ass he was. My mother was cold and distant and mean spirited. Thanks for your post, I'm learning a lot and this is helping me with the healing process.

 

[Nothing Man]

John, remember that you are not alone.

 

[Blue__Bird]

John and the rest, this thread has really made me reflect. First, how your immediate family almost prepares you for being abused. My parents were very severe, cold and distant. I got punished often, not physically but by being neglected and my problems never seemed to be important. That's why when the abuse came by, I learned to shut and keep it to myself. Enduring it was the answer.

Compliant is not willingness. Wow, that has helped me so much. Yes, maybe we didn't say no but it doesn't mean we wanted it to happen. I've thought of so many events in my life that I allowed to happen. But I realize now that I didn't necessarily want to take part in those events. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[OCN]

take care John! What you shared here is heavy.. hope you can find a way to calm down and work your way out. Thank you for sharing!

I think we as survivors have a right to decide for ourselves how we will deal with our abusers and their enablers. For some of us, cutting all ties is the answer. For others, the answer is much more complicated.

I like that one Nothing Man! At this point in my life it's still complicated, but i'm starting to create clear lines. I now at least know that it's up to me to choose whether to attend family gatherings and for how long. In the past i would've just gone and zone out or drink too much. Now i choose to prevent this from happening by being more careful and caring towards myself. And so it also means that i sometimes prefer not to go.. and still there is the nagging feeling that i should apologize for this decision. I recognize it's a victim's thought, but sometimes hard not to give in to..

i'm gonna remember this one, that the situation can be complicated. Means that there is space to clear the situation!

 

[Elad1]

Thank you JohnE for sharing this pain. Sorry for what you have experienced, Your share and the thread is helping me very much. The overly compliant child was me, even today I can be tugged by the nose and I go, sometimes I go right over the cliff. Then I self hate for not saying no. When I do say no, I feel guilty and hate myself even more. I believe this is shame at the root from persistent abuse I endured over the years, its so ingrained in me. Two years ago I had the proverbial ring in the nose and was led by the rope to my brothers family gathering. While there trapped in his environment with family all around, he kept calling me by his adopted sons name (wow, after spending twenty years growing up with with him, one would think he would know my name). This was another slice to my heart that triggered the many abuse episodes from of the past.