I was only ten

[reality2k4]

Triggers

Yeah,

I was only ten yo when it happened, and it was something I can never even come to terms with, not ever.

I guess it doesnt seem so bad when I read some stories here, but it was massive at the time.
I wear shorts 42 years after being raped and thinking my life was worth nothing after this event.

I have had to think about my own CSA for 42 years and it really sucks.
I talk to docs, and they dont know how much I am hurting because I hide it just as I always did.

I was one of four kids, the one who was the odd one in my family, who withdrew from the World to lick his wounds and wonder how to hide them.

I spent many years as a young child thinking that I has a life threatening disease 'syphilis'.
I had the symptoms, going mad, discharges etc.

It led to me being picked on, and trying so much harder to find friendships within my peer group, even if it meant telling so many lies.

My childhood was lost, it was smashed and broken at the point it happened, and it hurt all of my relationsips in life, from even having boys as friends, or girlfriends who I adored.

I just thought that sex had to be some angry thing, because I had the threat of losing my life.
Not just my life, but that of all my family.

Its what kept me mostly silent, and I guess I had to protect my family from some monster who would never come near my house even though he threatened me with it to keep me quiet.

Nobody even cared, they leave him to be the odd guy in the family, and OH, there is something wrong about yr little boy!

It is so hard that adults think of a little boy in that way, and he can only think it was his fault all along.

I guess its hard when an abuser can take away my child life, and leave me in utter despair.
My siblings would just enjoy themselves and never know my hurt.

Teachers abused me for just not being there for him, they hurt and abused me because they thought it cant be true, but one day they will find the truth, even though it is all too late,

ste

 

[roadrunner]

Ste,

Yes, the terrible things that happened to you as a boy will always be with you, in the sense that you will never forget them or be able to minimize them. But why should we want to do any such thing? You yourself show the way forward that you have chosen, just by your endless support for other survivors here.

That said, I think you CAN do many things to help Little Ste cope with what was done to him. Try to tell him every chance you get that NONE of this was his fault. Help him look at his feelings of shame and fear so he can see that the shame was never his, and that he is safe now and you will make sure it stays that way.

We can never change the past, but we sure can change the way that past affects us now and in the future. Of that I am absolutely convinced.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Elad 12]

That's what I'm working on. It wasn't our fault and we are good people. We can keep out little's safe now. We couldn't then but we can now. The shame belongs to the abuser.

Dale