I was 11. She was 16. And this is my story.

I stopped reading your initial post likely because I have spent time along the way writing pornography about sex with underage girls. I've learned it isn't healthy for me to slip into the voyeur stance. I'm aware that even when I wrote what I called "My Story" about the experiences I've had that I amped up the sexual charge inherent in the story. Of course, I'm a survivor of early sexual trauma, so on some level I've been sexualized which means I have trouble finding a healthy relationship to my own feelings and my own experience. The deeper I open to it the clearer my own pain is seen. There was really nothing titillating about any of it even when my body was experiencing sexual pleasure. The body does that regardless of how much pain there is in the psyche, or how far I've gone from my own soul. Yes, it is important to tell the truth about what happened to us AND it is important to recognize what trauma does to us. Hopefully this exploration will serve your healing Eagle. That is what we're all here to do.
 

eagle79

Registrant
15 months since I wrote this and it still haunts me. I am glad I told my story, but I still don't like anything about it.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
15 months since I wrote this and it still haunts me. I am glad I told my story, but I still don't like anything about it.

brave of you.
 

eagle79

Registrant
it's coming up on 3 years since I wrote this out. I'll be 42 next month, and I am still single. UGH!!!
 
You might want to think about involving yourself on this website without reference to that old post. There is a great deal of healing happening on this website and support is available. The past is the past and you have an opportunity to heal. Dropping in every few years isn't giving you much in the way of support. There are good men here doing amazing work. You're more than welcome to join the conversation.
 

RL13000

Registrant
I am 38 years old, be 39 August 25 (a week from now). I have been seeing a therapist out here in Oregon for 14 months now. My therapist is a good one and I am glad I found her. I kinda enjoy writing, always have. I am not that good at it but I know I am better than most. My therapist always told me that I should write my story and share it, and that is what I am doing now, but for some reason it has taken me a good year on having the courage on writing out the words.

So, based on the guidelines on here this story is ALL TRIGGER! I plan on writing this out in detail because for me when I start writing I mostly have a hard time stopping. No personal info here but the girls name is correct, don't see the harm in saying Raquel. If you find anything wrong with something please don't delete my story, please just change it or contact me and I will change it.

So......

I was raped. How about that? That is why I am here. That is why I am writing this. That is why my life has been so strange for me and the people around me.

RAPE is a big word. It is not nice. Sadly it has happened to me 4 times, two of them by girls. And I know that sounds "oh sure whatever" but it's true. I always only considered 1 of them a real rape (and that one will be a story later on) but in the end I know it happened 4 times. My first RAPE was not intercourse, but it was rape (a story for another time).

This story is on rape #2. This is the one that haunts me. Rape #1 was worse but that doesn't haunt me as much, maybe because I was younger? I don't know. This is the one that changed everything for me. This is the one where I just become different.

About me. Born 1979. Lived in Santa Fe Springs, just outside of los angeles. I am an only child. I was always told my dad died before I was born but when I was 25 I found out that he was murdered when I was 12. My mom never was much of a mom so THANKFULLY my grandparents took care of me and raised me and did a damn good job at it!

Raised in a Christian home and raised in a Christian School over in Norwalk. Everything that was bad was bad, no question about it.

My childhood was very calm and normal. Lived in a 48 space apartment complex with maybe 8 or 10 other kids my age. Just an all around good childhood.

My Grandpa and I always did everything together. Basketball, baseball, walking the railroad tracks. He was a good man and did a great job in taking care of me.

My Grandma was always at home, was always around for me. Because I was that only child we did all those great things together like Disneyland, Knott's, Universal. We would ride are bikes everywhere!

I would go with my Grandpa every time he had a Union meeting in Montebello. Before this meeting we would stop at the casino in Commerce and have breakfast with his friends. I always had an egg and cheese omelette because I was afraid I wouldn't like anything else.

This is where I met the girl. The one who would one day rape me. It's strange saying that because this was 4 or 5 years before it happened. I was 6 or 7 when I first met her, she was 11 or 12. That is a very strange way of saying it, the fact that this girl would one day rape me. She lived in Pico Rivera. Her name was Raquel, I don't know her last name and I don't know her parents names so I have no way of ever finding her or them (sometimes I wish I could just so that I could tell them what happened, sometimes I am happy I can't). My Grandpa worked for Yellow Freight, Raquel's dad worked for that same company, both of them good friends. I would be with my Grandpa every month for that breakfast, and I believe every month Raquel would be with her father. It's not like we ever talked and if we did I don't remember it, but I do somewhat remember her.

Christmas 1989 (maybe 1990 but I don't think so), I was 10, we had this toy drive at the union hall for a ton of children! I remember helping out with the gifts and I remember Raquel doing the same. Somehow we both ended up on the front stage together and we did this Christmas song together, it was just some dumb little fun that was in no way rehearsed and I am sure we were terrible, but it was fun.

We had a pool at my apartment complex. I know on a couple of occasions Raquel came on over, no doubt her mom and dad were with my grandparents visiting. I do remember her just laying down on a towel and I do remember looking at her. I was no doubt at that age of curiosity but not having a clue what I was curious about. I remember how I would get out of the pool and walk by her and just look at her, and I remember doing this several times. I did this same thing with another woman, she was older, lived at the apartment complex. Fun times :~)

My first strange yet fun yet exciting experience with her was watching her change clothing. She was at the pool, she got up, put a towel around her waist, and took her bikini bottoms off and tossed on her shorts. I just always remember watching that. I am not sure if she knew I was watching or if she cared or if I honestly even existed in her life, but I do remember it.

Let me add I hit puberty early! I had hair on my legs before everybody else! I remember kids picking on me and calling me chewbacca.

So, let me talk about sex. back when I was a kid I knew nothing about it! NOTHING! For years (whatever age I was I don't know) I always thought that a condom went over the tongue. I knew nothing about masturbation. I knew nothing about anything. Yes, I played those show me yours i'll show you mine games, but we all did that. 'I was again raised in a Christian home and a Christian school, sex was of the devil!

The ONLY "real" thing I knew about sex was from Hollywood movies. The movie Big is my best example. Yea, that part where Tom Hanks touches that girls was sex for me. Also that scene from Doc Hollywood, the girl walking out of the water nude.

The last known time I was with Raquel before that day was at her sweet 16 party. It was at her house. It was a big party, I remember she had this blue dress on. I don't remember anything else about it.

Like I said at the beginning, this story is about rape #2. My first one was different. It's nothing that I am ready on writing out just yet. It wasn't intercourse, and I was young and didn't know anything and maybe this is why it doesn't affect my mind as much? It is something that I can't explain in a paragraph, but i'll just say that it happened and I somehow just forgot about it in some strange way. Raquel was different all around, and maybe when I write out #1 you will understand why.

my rape....

July 1991 is when this happened. I know this because my Grandparents and I took a vacation to Oregon in August during my 12th birthday party.

This happened at my apartment/house in Santa Fe Springs. My Grandparents and her parents were going for the night. I had NEVER EVER in my life had a babysitter, it has just never happened. My Auntie and my 2 uncle's lived nearby and I had a ton of family all over L.A. and I could always stay with basically with any one of them. I believe that the reason why Raquel stayed with me that night was because her parents didn't trust her staying at home alone. Her parents thought it was best that Raquel just stay with me, more safer I guess.

So, this is where I add the TRIGGER WARNING!

I remember that Raquel and I were on the living room floor playing a board game. I don't remember what it was. My guess is that it was monopoly as I enjoyed playing that game.

She had a low top on, I remember looking at her boobs but I also remember acting like I wasn't looking. I was at that age of curiosity.

Not sure how long we played this game before it happened. I remember how she stopped playing and how she looked at me, this look of "should I." It is a look that I will never ever forget.

I remember her grabbing my left hand and placing it on her right breast.

I remember her reaching between my legs. I am sure I had an erection but I don't know. (I'll add that this was not the first time that somebody reached between my legs, but that first time was different. Again that was rape #1 and another story later on).

I know she said nothing. I know I said nothing. I know I did not panic. Maybe I did freak out but if I did it was nothing big. I knew this girl, I trusted this girl, I enjoyed being around this girl, so my guess is that I was just simply okay with it.

I always ask myself what was she thinking at the time? I am 11 years old, just a month shy of 12. Raquel is 16. let me say that again, Raquel is 16 years old. Raquel knows what is right and wrong. Raquel knows what she is doing is wrong. Raquel knows what she is thinking is wrong. Raquel knows all of this!

"The point of no return." As I am writing this out that line I just quoted simply just entered my brain. The point of no return is correct. The idea of WHAT IF IT NEVER HAPPENED?!?!?!?!??

She ended up just grabbing my left hand, we got up, and we went around the corner and up the stairs (my apartment had 2 floors). I have no clue what I was thinking.

I remember her looking for the light switch in my bedroom.
I remember her telling me to get on my bed and lay down. I remember how I got on the bed on my left side and how she kinda helped me get on my back.

No other talking happened after this. None. Just none.

The point where I knew it was wrong was when she started taking my shorts off. I remember looking at her when she was doing this. I remember how I was reaching down, no doubt wanting to pull them back up, and how she moved my hands away. I remember that little giggling laughter from her.

I remember her sucking on me. I remember watching. I remember that I did have an erection. I remember watching her doing this. I remember how she pulled her hair away from her face. I remember the sound of her doing this on me. I remember how she never did look at me.

Strangely enough I remember the movie poster from E.T. on my bedroom wall. I could see it behind her.

How long this lasted I don't know but she eventually stopped and got off me. She said "i'll be right back" She said this with a bit of a smile, she said it with a bit of laughter. She ended up walking out of the room and going downstairs. I remember how I did not do anything. I didn't get up or put my shorts on or anything. I just did not move.

A minute later and she was back in the room.
Not knowing what it was at the time but she had a condom in her hand. Now this condom was never ever intended for me, it was something she had in her purse and no doubt it was intended for some other guy later on down the road. It was never intended for me.
I remember her opening it. I remember her rolling it over my penis. I remember her taking her shorts off. I remember her walking over to the wall and turning the light off.

My therapist told me that she turned the light off because Raquel knew she was doing something wrong. Raquel didn't want to look at me,

I remember her coming back and getting on top of me.

Why did she do this? WHY?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Just this WHY will always be in my head. WHY! I can type out WHY for another 100 lines! I am 11 years old! I am 11!!!!

All I was for her at that moment was a toy. All I was for her was a penis. All I was for her was a dick. She only looked at me as a way of having sex, nothing else.

I remember how she thought she heard the front house door open from downstairs and how she jumped off me and went out of the bedroom and looked down the staircase. After a couple seconds she came back over and got back on top of me.

All I could see was a shadow of her. My room was dark, curtains closed. All I could hear was her breathing.

I have no idea how long this lasted, but it was probably just a few minutes.

She got off me and off the bed, Went on over and turned the light on. I remember not moving. I just didn't move. I just froze. She came back over. She had me sit up, and she looked at me. The line I will never ever ever ever ever ever forget, "don't tell your grandparents about this. Promise?" I don't think I said anything at first because she ended up moving closer to me and saying again "promise me?" I guess I said I promise, I must have.

When I got up I still had the condom on. I took it off, for some reason I placed it on the table near my bed.

We started playing that board game but I couldn't play. I remember how she reached her hand out and played with my hair and saying something like everything will be okay.

My Grandparents and her parents came back soon after. Maybe 15 minutes? Maybe 10? I just always wished that they came back sooner. I always wished that her parents never brought her over. I always wished that her parents never gave her the opportunity on doing this. Raquel's parents did not trust her being home alone, so instead they had her stay with an 11 year old boy. Great job mom and dad!!!!!!!!!

But the story does not end. It gets worse. It gets worse for me.

I remember them leaving. I remember how Raquel didn't look at me when she left. I remember her walking out the door. I remember my Grandma closing the door.

I remember going back upstairs and getting a shower.

When I am in the shower my Grandma opens the door to the bathroom and yells at me! She wants me to come out. I remember drying off and how she was still yelling at me to come out. I dried off, got dressed, I came out.

Walk over to my bedroom. My Grandma yells "WHAT IS THAT!?!?!" She was pointing at the condom on the table. I also remember my bed had a wet spot, I remember thinking that she peed on my bed. And a minute later my Grandma found the condom wrapper on the floor.

I was going to add right here that Raquel should have taken the condom and the wrapper this way nobody would have ever known, but in all reality she never should have done anything with me PERIOD! Raquel RAPED me! RAPE. I can type that out for the next 100 lines.

My Grandma is mad at me! My Grandpa is mad at me! I just remember how my Grandma held up this condom in front of my face and asking me WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!? I remember how my Grandpa was just as mad but how he didn't say anything.

They blamed me. I am 11, going on 12, and it is MY fault! I am the one who made it happen and I am the one who did it. Yea, fucked up!

I know I tried saying something but I know it only made it worse.

My Grandma ended up paddling me with that wooden paddle back when I was a kid. I think I was 9 the last time this happened, honestly I could have been younger. I was a good kid so it's anyone's guess.

What makes it worse is that I ended up bending over my bed when she did this. The very bed that maybe 30 minutes ago I was raped in. I remember my face on that wet stain on my bed.

When my Grandma was done my Grandpa had her leave the room. My Grandpa had me remove my shorts and he ended up striking me with his belt. Yea, great times.

Never did see Raquel again. Maybe my Grandparents talked with her parents? I don't know. I think I still did go with my Grandpa to the casino for breakfast every month but I never did see her. Not sure if I ever did see her dad either, but I honestly didn't know him much so maybe I just don't remember.

I was grounded for a month. It was the summer time and I could not go out. It only ended when we took that trip to Oregon in late August.

Things between me and my grandparents became normal again, no doubt about that, but I am sure they looked at me in a different way from that point on.

Anyway, that is it. I wish I could end this story in some great way. I'll add that sometimes the male can be the victim. I'll add that older woman who do younger boys should get a 20 year sentence. The media keep talking about hot teachers doing young students and everybody keeps on saying the students got lucky. As for me I know the students are the victims.
Thanks guys for the replies.

And I should add I have no i'll feelings towards my grandparents. I understand where they were coming from. I just wish I had the guts on telling them the truth when I got older and before they died.

Raquel was a killer for me! I had no clue what was going on. I couldn't see anything. I did not understand anything. I remember just freezing and keeping my arms and hands on the bed the entire time. It was haunting and beyond strange experience.

As for Raquel she was an adorable thing, she seriously was! Any guy would do her, and I sure every guy did do her. No doubt her parent did not keep her home alone because they knew some guy was going to come over and do her. Her parents believed she would be okay with me, but that was all very wrong.

Another girl named Angie hurt me just as much, I was 17 and she was 16 (another story for another time).

What sucks is that this has killed my mental understanding about sex. I'll be 39 in a few days, and I have never had a girlfriend or a relationship or anything!
hello Eagle. So so sorry this happened. It was definitely triggering and I thank you for the warnings. It was very close to what I experienced many times with my step sister. I shivered when you wrote how she reached between your legs. Again, so very sorry.

you must know you were not at fault. But I know that doesn’t make it easier. When you ask why why why, I think it comes down to one thing. Control. She wanted control over you. That is what most abuse is about. My step sister controlled me through abuse for years and still does in a way even though I don’t see her. Congrats on therapy. Not easy to do. You are strong and your story is helping others. Thank you.
 

eagle79

Registrant
You might want to think about involving yourself on this website without reference to that old post. There is a great deal of healing happening on this website and support is available. The past is the past and you have an opportunity to heal. Dropping in every few years isn't giving you much in the way of support. There are good men here doing amazing work. You're more than welcome to join the conversation.
thankyou and I agree. I was so sick of the negative that I found myself not wanting to remember the past, but sometimes it just comes back and says IM STILL HERE. I had other shit going on in my life as well, didn't need more negative. But yes, i'll be sticking around.
 

eagle79

Registrant
hello Eagle. So so sorry this happened. It was definitely triggering and I thank you for the warnings. It was very close to what I experienced many times with my step sister. I shivered when you wrote how she reached between your legs. Again, so very sorry.

you must know you were not at fault. But I know that doesn’t make it easier. When you ask why why why, I think it comes down to one thing. Control. She wanted control over you. That is what most abuse is about. My step sister controlled me through abuse for years and still does in a way even though I don’t see her. Congrats on therapy. Not easy to do. You are strong and your story is helping others. Thank you.
thankyou for teh kind words and I am sorry for what you went through as well.
 

John1138

Registrant
I had a similar experience. One of my abusers was a young woman and it started in a "nice" way. It's never nice, but that is the start of the grooming. When I wanted to stop then the punishments began. She even enlisted other people to punish me. She would lie and tell my parents how I 'misbehaved' and they would punish me. The rumors of what a 'problem child' I was circulated in the neighborhood and I was isolated and shun. In hindsight that was the point. To isolate me and punish me when I didn't want to pleasure her sexually. Even therapists wouldn't believe me and would attack me as the predator and abuser. If you are male then the only explanation for anything is you are a Weak, Incompetent, Loser, Misogynistic, Asshole and deserve whatever hell on earth you are going through. It's a sad state our culture is in when people care more about being right in their narrative than children being raped. Throughout my life I've struggled with dissociation and my body going numb. Feelings of obligation, fear, and anxiety in any sexual situation still plague me. Just being touched can be a trigger.
 
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This forum is so important for all of us who were traumatized by women in our lives. I'm sorry you experienced this John. Yes, it can be very destabilizing for a boy and the explanations you list are ones we turn to. None of those are true... we were traumatized and continued to pay a high price for the horror we experienced and carried through our lives.
 

John1138

Registrant
I have to say I disagree with the idea of "paying a high price" because that infers intention and complicity. I've had difficulty with a rebuttable so I will defer to Leonard Cohen; "you want it darker."
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Eagle79, I understand 100% what happened to you I to am an only child and was raped by a baby sitter. The difference she used a carrot thought it was a dildo and used it many times while her friends watched and laugh at me. Then one day brought her BF over, She by the way was 7 years old and her BF the same. I think. In any case. When it was time for bed I was 9 1/2 at the time I did not want to go to bed at 9pm and said so, I got spanked which up set me so I was spanked again bare bottom and then took by the BF that bad boys who are spanked are fucked too, then I was raped. I Don't remember the actual act, Except him spreading my butt wide, then I remember me running to my bedroom half naked and cring myself to sleep on the bed. The bed which I still have to this day. the bed frame. which is in my sons room he is 27 nd sleeps on it. The sofa which I was raped on a few months ago I realized I still own and sits in my Livingroom, now I trying to sell it or get rid of it since it gives me flash backs.

I too never told my parents and I asked my mom at the time not to bring te same baby sitter back i had a problem so she did not. never asked why. Only this year March 28, I drove with my son to my parents grave and told them what happened to me about all the abuses and I cried and beg for there forgiveness that I did not say anything sooner. My son sat in the car it was raining. It did not help me at all. What has helped me is this place reading the stories and post and answering. The friend I have made on line and the few I met as well.

Your story has trigger me but its ok and good for me, I good cry I get out of it even while I write this, thanks. Please continue to post and read.
 
I drove with my son to my parents grave and told them what happened to me about all the abuses and I cried and beg for there forgiveness that I did not say anything sooner. My son sat in the car it was raining. It did not help me at all.
Maybe it didn't help because they should have been begging for your forgiveness, for letting such an abomination babysit you, and afterwards failing to find out what happened to you.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Parents are responsible for the wellbeing of their children in every way. It is not the responsibility of children to speak up if something horrible happens.
 
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