I was 11. She was 16. And this is my story.


I am 38 years old, be 39 August 25 (a week from now). I have been seeing a therapist out here in Oregon for 14 months now. My therapist is a good one and I am glad I found her. I kinda enjoy writing, always have. I am not that good at it but I know I am better than most. My therapist always told me that I should write my story and share it, and that is what I am doing now, but for some reason it has taken me a good year on having the courage on writing out the words.

So, based on the guidelines on here this story is ALL TRIGGER! I plan on writing this out in detail because for me when I start writing I mostly have a hard time stopping. No personal info here but the girls name is correct, don't see the harm in saying Raquel. If you find anything wrong with something please don't delete my story, please just change it or contact me and I will change it.


I was raped. How about that? That is why I am here. That is why I am writing this. That is why my life has been so strange for me and the people around me.

RAPE is a big word. It is not nice. Sadly it has happened to me 4 times, two of them by girls. And I know that sounds "oh sure whatever" but it's true. I always only considered 1 of them a real rape (and that one will be a story later on) but in the end I know it happened 4 times. My first RAPE was not intercourse, but it was rape (a story for another time).

This story is on rape #2. This is the one that haunts me. Rape #1 was worse but that doesn't haunt me as much, maybe because I was younger? I don't know. This is the one that changed everything for me. This is the one where I just become different.

About me. Born 1979. Lived in Santa Fe Springs, just outside of los angeles. I am an only child. I was always told my dad died before I was born but when I was 25 I found out that he was murdered when I was 12. My mom never was much of a mom so THANKFULLY my grandparents took care of me and raised me and did a damn good job at it!

Raised in a Christian home and raised in a Christian School over in Norwalk. Everything that was bad was bad, no question about it.

My childhood was very calm and normal. Lived in a 48 space apartment complex with maybe 8 or 10 other kids my age. Just an all around good childhood.

My Grandpa and I always did everything together. Basketball, baseball, walking the railroad tracks. He was a good man and did a great job in taking care of me.

My Grandma was always at home, was always around for me. Because I was that only child we did all those great things together like Disneyland, Knott's, Universal. We would ride are bikes everywhere!

I would go with my Grandpa every time he had a Union meeting in Montebello. Before this meeting we would stop at the casino in Commerce and have breakfast with his friends. I always had an egg and cheese omelette because I was afraid I wouldn't like anything else.

This is where I met the girl. The one who would one day rape me. It's strange saying that because this was 4 or 5 years before it happened. I was 6 or 7 when I first met her, she was 11 or 12. That is a very strange way of saying it, the fact that this girl would one day rape me. She lived in Pico Rivera. Her name was Raquel, I don't know her last name and I don't know her parents names so I have no way of ever finding her or them (sometimes I wish I could just so that I could tell them what happened, sometimes I am happy I can't). My Grandpa worked for Yellow Freight, Raquel's dad worked for that same company, both of them good friends. I would be with my Grandpa every month for that breakfast, and I believe every month Raquel would be with her father. It's not like we ever talked and if we did I don't remember it, but I do somewhat remember her.

Christmas 1989 (maybe 1990 but I don't think so), I was 10, we had this toy drive at the union hall for a ton of children! I remember helping out with the gifts and I remember Raquel doing the same. Somehow we both ended up on the front stage together and we did this Christmas song together, it was just some dumb little fun that was in no way rehearsed and I am sure we were terrible, but it was fun.

We had a pool at my apartment complex. I know on a couple of occasions Raquel came on over, no doubt her mom and dad were with my grandparents visiting. I do remember her just laying down on a towel and I do remember looking at her. I was no doubt at that age of curiosity but not having a clue what I was curious about. I remember how I would get out of the pool and walk by her and just look at her, and I remember doing this several times. I did this same thing with another woman, she was older, lived at the apartment complex. Fun times :~)

My first strange yet fun yet exciting experience with her was watching her change clothing. She was at the pool, she got up, put a towel around her waist, and took her bikini bottoms off and tossed on her shorts. I just always remember watching that. I am not sure if she knew I was watching or if she cared or if I honestly even existed in her life, but I do remember it.

Let me add I hit puberty early! I had hair on my legs before everybody else! I remember kids picking on me and calling me chewbacca.

So, let me talk about sex. back when I was a kid I knew nothing about it! NOTHING! For years (whatever age I was I don't know) I always thought that a condom went over the tongue. I knew nothing about masturbation. I knew nothing about anything. Yes, I played those show me yours i'll show you mine games, but we all did that. 'I was again raised in a Christian home and a Christian school, sex was of the devil!

The ONLY "real" thing I knew about sex was from Hollywood movies. The movie Big is my best example. Yea, that part where Tom Hanks touches that girls was sex for me. Also that scene from Doc Hollywood, the girl walking out of the water nude.

The last known time I was with Raquel before that day was at her sweet 16 party. It was at her house. It was a big party, I remember she had this blue dress on. I don't remember anything else about it.

Like I said at the beginning, this story is about rape #2. My first one was different. It's nothing that I am ready on writing out just yet. It wasn't intercourse, and I was young and didn't know anything and maybe this is why it doesn't affect my mind as much? It is something that I can't explain in a paragraph, but i'll just say that it happened and I somehow just forgot about it in some strange way. Raquel was different all around, and maybe when I write out #1 you will understand why.

my rape....

July 1991 is when this happened. I know this because my Grandparents and I took a vacation to Oregon in August during my 12th birthday party.

This happened at my apartment/house in Santa Fe Springs. My Grandparents and her parents were going for the night. I had NEVER EVER in my life had a babysitter, it has just never happened. My Auntie and my 2 uncle's lived nearby and I had a ton of family all over L.A. and I could always stay with basically with any one of them. I believe that the reason why Raquel stayed with me that night was because her parents didn't trust her staying at home alone. Her parents thought it was best that Raquel just stay with me, more safer I guess.

So, this is where I add the TRIGGER WARNING!

I remember that Raquel and I were on the living room floor playing a board game. I don't remember what it was. My guess is that it was monopoly as I enjoyed playing that game.

She had a low top on, I remember looking at her boobs but I also remember acting like I wasn't looking. I was at that age of curiosity.

Not sure how long we played this game before it happened. I remember how she stopped playing and how she looked at me, this look of "should I." It is a look that I will never ever forget.

I remember her grabbing my left hand and placing it on her right breast.

I remember her reaching between my legs. I am sure I had an erection but I don't know. (I'll add that this was not the first time that somebody reached between my legs, but that first time was different. Again that was rape #1 and another story later on).

I know she said nothing. I know I said nothing. I know I did not panic. Maybe I did freak out but if I did it was nothing big. I knew this girl, I trusted this girl, I enjoyed being around this girl, so my guess is that I was just simply okay with it.

I always ask myself what was she thinking at the time? I am 11 years old, just a month shy of 12. Raquel is 16. let me say that again, Raquel is 16 years old. Raquel knows what is right and wrong. Raquel knows what she is doing is wrong. Raquel knows what she is thinking is wrong. Raquel knows all of this!

"The point of no return." As I am writing this out that line I just quoted simply just entered my brain. The point of no return is correct. The idea of WHAT IF IT NEVER HAPPENED?!?!?!?!??

She ended up just grabbing my left hand, we got up, and we went around the corner and up the stairs (my apartment had 2 floors). I have no clue what I was thinking.

I remember her looking for the light switch in my bedroom.
I remember her telling me to get on my bed and lay down. I remember how I got on the bed on my left side and how she kinda helped me get on my back.

No other talking happened after this. None. Just none.

The point where I knew it was wrong was when she started taking my shorts off. I remember looking at her when she was doing this. I remember how I was reaching down, no doubt wanting to pull them back up, and how she moved my hands away. I remember that little giggling laughter from her.

I remember her sucking on me. I remember watching. I remember that I did have an erection. I remember watching her doing this. I remember how she pulled her hair away from her face. I remember the sound of her doing this on me. I remember how she never did look at me.

Strangely enough I remember the movie poster from E.T. on my bedroom wall. I could see it behind her.

How long this lasted I don't know but she eventually stopped and got off me. She said "i'll be right back" She said this with a bit of a smile, she said it with a bit of laughter. She ended up walking out of the room and going downstairs. I remember how I did not do anything. I didn't get up or put my shorts on or anything. I just did not move.

A minute later and she was back in the room.
Not knowing what it was at the time but she had a condom in her hand. Now this condom was never ever intended for me, it was something she had in her purse and no doubt it was intended for some other guy later on down the road. It was never intended for me.
I remember her opening it. I remember her rolling it over my penis. I remember her taking her shorts off. I remember her walking over to the wall and turning the light off.

My therapist told me that she turned the light off because Raquel knew she was doing something wrong. Raquel didn't want to look at me,

I remember her coming back and getting on top of me.

Why did she do this? WHY?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!? Just this WHY will always be in my head. WHY! I can type out WHY for another 100 lines! I am 11 years old! I am 11!!!!

All I was for her at that moment was a toy. All I was for her was a penis. All I was for her was a dick. She only looked at me as a way of having sex, nothing else.

I remember how she thought she heard the front house door open from downstairs and how she jumped off me and went out of the bedroom and looked down the staircase. After a couple seconds she came back over and got back on top of me.

All I could see was a shadow of her. My room was dark, curtains closed. All I could hear was her breathing.

I have no idea how long this lasted, but it was probably just a few minutes.

She got off me and off the bed, Went on over and turned the light on. I remember not moving. I just didn't move. I just froze. She came back over. She had me sit up, and she looked at me. The line I will never ever ever ever ever ever forget, "don't tell your grandparents about this. Promise?" I don't think I said anything at first because she ended up moving closer to me and saying again "promise me?" I guess I said I promise, I must have.

When I got up I still had the condom on. I took it off, for some reason I placed it on the table near my bed.

We started playing that board game but I couldn't play. I remember how she reached her hand out and played with my hair and saying something like everything will be okay.

My Grandparents and her parents came back soon after. Maybe 15 minutes? Maybe 10? I just always wished that they came back sooner. I always wished that her parents never brought her over. I always wished that her parents never gave her the opportunity on doing this. Raquel's parents did not trust her being home alone, so instead they had her stay with an 11 year old boy. Great job mom and dad!!!!!!!!!

But the story does not end. It gets worse. It gets worse for me.

I remember them leaving. I remember how Raquel didn't look at me when she left. I remember her walking out the door. I remember my Grandma closing the door.

I remember going back upstairs and getting a shower.

When I am in the shower my Grandma opens the door to the bathroom and yells at me! She wants me to come out. I remember drying off and how she was still yelling at me to come out. I dried off, got dressed, I came out.

Walk over to my bedroom. My Grandma yells "WHAT IS THAT!?!?!" She was pointing at the condom on the table. I also remember my bed had a wet spot, I remember thinking that she peed on my bed. And a minute later my Grandma found the condom wrapper on the floor.

I was going to add right here that Raquel should have taken the condom and the wrapper this way nobody would have ever known, but in all reality she never should have done anything with me PERIOD! Raquel RAPED me! RAPE. I can type that out for the next 100 lines.

My Grandma is mad at me! My Grandpa is mad at me! I just remember how my Grandma held up this condom in front of my face and asking me WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!?!? I remember how my Grandpa was just as mad but how he didn't say anything.

They blamed me. I am 11, going on 12, and it is MY fault! I am the one who made it happen and I am the one who did it. Yea, fucked up!

I know I tried saying something but I know it only made it worse.

My Grandma ended up paddling me with that wooden paddle back when I was a kid. I think I was 9 the last time this happened, honestly I could have been younger. I was a good kid so it's anyone's guess.

What makes it worse is that I ended up bending over my bed when she did this. The very bed that maybe 30 minutes ago I was raped in. I remember my face on that wet stain on my bed.

When my Grandma was done my Grandpa had her leave the room. My Grandpa had me remove my shorts and he ended up striking me with his belt. Yea, great times.

Never did see Raquel again. Maybe my Grandparents talked with her parents? I don't know. I think I still did go with my Grandpa to the casino for breakfast every month but I never did see her. Not sure if I ever did see her dad either, but I honestly didn't know him much so maybe I just don't remember.

I was grounded for a month. It was the summer time and I could not go out. It only ended when we took that trip to Oregon in late August.

Things between me and my grandparents became normal again, no doubt about that, but I am sure they looked at me in a different way from that point on.

Anyway, that is it. I wish I could end this story in some great way. I'll add that sometimes the male can be the victim. I'll add that older woman who do younger boys should get a 20 year sentence. The media keep talking about hot teachers doing young students and everybody keeps on saying the students got lucky. As for me I know the students are the victims.

dark empathy

Yes I hear you.

My experiences weren't the same, but they also involved teenaged girls at school where I was approximately the same age, so yes.

That your grandparents didn't believe you is understandable given the generation they came from, but it's also extremely sad and quite disgusting, after all had the genders been reversed I doubt they would be blaming a twelve year old girl if she were raped by a 16 year old boy.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but your in the right place to start off recovery.



I'm sorry that this happened to you. You are right, as guys we were taught that we should be grateful if an older woman takes advantage of us or rapes us. But in reality, no clear-thinking person really wants to be used by a predator.

You ask why she did this, and we don't know for sure, but I can offer some impressions based on your story.

My suspicions are that Raquel was likely sexually abused herself. Her acting out with you was possibly a way for her to try to exert some control over what was done to her. In other words, this was her opportunity to turn the tables and be the aggressor, rather than the victim. To try to rewrite history, if you will.

Her sexual experience and knowledge, her carrying condoms...but the biggest clue of all is that she seemed completely dead inside from what you described. If she were sexually abused, that can have a way of making one feel dead inside. From what you described, she seemed almost robotic, even borderline sociopathic. Not really able to have empathy or feelings because they're all numbed over.

As Luke said, it's a shame that your grandparents were not able to question you in a more sympathetic manner, trying to find what really happened. But he's right in that their behavior makes sense in context with their generation. The fact that you said they otherwise did a great job parenting you is positive.
Unfortunately good parenting doesn't mean perfect parenting, and so this will go down as one of their huge mistakes and imperfections.

This must have been an awful experience, especially for how it made you feel in so many complex and different ways. As you continue to work through these experiences however, I hope you can believe that there will hopefully come a time where you will find the right person or persons, with whom you can choose how to interact. And that they will respect you and your boundaries, and value you as a person and not as an object. Many of us here have had bad experiences with people treating us in humiliating and degrading ways, but the challenge is to not conclude that everyone will be that way and that we will always be a victim. It's a step-by-step process, but it sounds like you're on the right track to getting there.

Best wishes,



So, weirdly enough, your experience was actually a fantasy of mine for a long time (minus the punishment). My abuser was male (and started grooming me around the same year you had your experience - I was 4 at the time), and I often spent a lot of time imagining if it were a female instead. Of course, I am looking back through the eyes of an adult, thinking I'd have my adult mind in that body and not the mind I actually had back then. I frequently wonder why my brain works the way it does, so I read a lot, googled a lot, etc. to see what was behind this. I also work in education now, and am always kind of baffled by stories of teachers sleeping with students and wonder why these things happen. Anyways...

For many women, there exists this idea of being some sort of initiator into sex, where they kind of fetishize taking a younger boy and "showing them the ropes", so the speak (or at least people THINK that's a thing - who knows how true it is?). From the way you describe, the smiling, smirking, giggling, "should I?" look, it sounds to me like that may have been what Raquel wanted from you, and thought she was doing you some kind of favor or helping you out, or making you a "stud" since you seemed curious about her.

Chris has a good point, too. For her, it could have been a desire to be dominant, where there may have been a time she was vulnerable and didn't want to be.

What both of those things have in common is that she had a position of power and knowledge over you, who had no way to put what was happening in context.

At any rate, I wish you well now that you've started your healing process - just remember, recovery isn't always a linear path. Often times, it's more of a roller coaster than a road. Be kind to yourself along the way.


Thanks guys for the replies.

And I should add I have no i'll feelings towards my grandparents. I understand where they were coming from. I just wish I had the guts on telling them the truth when I got older and before they died.

Raquel was a killer for me! I had no clue what was going on. I couldn't see anything. I did not understand anything. I remember just freezing and keeping my arms and hands on the bed the entire time. It was haunting and beyond strange experience.

As for Raquel she was an adorable thing, she seriously was! Any guy would do her, and I sure every guy did do her. No doubt her parent did not keep her home alone because they knew some guy was going to come over and do her. Her parents believed she would be okay with me, but that was all very wrong.

Another girl named Angie hurt me just as much, I was 17 and she was 16 (another story for another time).

What sucks is that this has killed my mental understanding about sex. I'll be 39 in a few days, and I have never had a girlfriend or a relationship or anything!


Have you talked to a therapist or read any books about sexual abuse? 1in6 has a ton of resources as does this website. This place has been instrumental with regards to me working things out and gaining better insight and understanding into some of the challenges I've had over the years, and I lucked out in finding a good therapist 10 years ago.


Yea, like I said in the story I talked with a therapist about this and basically everything else I could think of. I did this every week for 6 months. My therapist was the one who told me I should write my story and do whatever I wanted with it. I decided on making it public, so here I am.

dark empathy

@eagle79, I'm really bothered by the way you describe Raquel.

imagine the genders reversed, some eleven year old girl curious about a 16 yo boy who takes her up stairs and rapes her and then she describes him as "Adorable"

"adorable" is not a word most people would use of a rapist, indeed the way on the one hand you describe it as rape, and on the other you describe her as "adorable" is incongruous to say the least.

for me, admitting that what had happened was actually "rape" was difficult.

It was at least unambiguously nasty with lots of name calling and violence, but "rape?" the thought never occurred to me, indeed I was actually made to feel i was the one responsible even though I basically stood there and shut down and let it happen.

then when I was 19 and had a screaming panic attack because my mum threatened to come into the bathroom where I had my shirt off and was shaving only for her to say "oh yes I know you were raped at that school", it was an absolute shock.

Now I say what it was "gang rape" and fairly frequent.

On the other hand, it is possible to recover from this. I was genophobic for years, mortally afraid of sex. had plenty of female friends but Never had a girlfriend or a relationship, and actually was resentful of how easy everything seemed for girls.

All that changed in 2015 when i met the wonderful lady I'm now married to.

So yes, things will get better, although recovery is a long, unpleasant and often confusing process.

Also glad to hear you had a good therapist, I eventually got a decent councillor in 2014, but that after a few disastrous tries, such as the woman who tried to convince me I had some unconscious guilt from my premature birth and the sexual abuse wasn't actually related at all.

Hope things get better for you.



I never called it rape until last year. I always looked at her as adorable because I knew her for a good 5 years before she did this. She was that first girl in my life that I kinda had a crush on but didn't know it. When I talked with my therapist about this I ended up talking about it like it was just a bad event, nothing worse.
And I wrote this story first because I consider the other 3 "rapes" worse. Not saying that this one was no biggie, but for me my mind looked at it differently.
And in all honesty what my Grandparents did was worse than the rape itself.


When I was 9 I looked on my 16 year old rapist as a role model and blamed myself for not telling about his physical abuse; I was too ashamed and intimidated to tell about the rest. He was careful where he punched me and I always hid the bruises under my clothes. After a year I looked on him more realistically and the concept in my mind was rapist. I had a childhood crush on his sister who was my age and I was left confused and anxious.

If you found Raquel adorable at the time, that is the way to describe her. When I first saw my rapist with his clothes off he looked like Superman to me, but I soon found he was out to punish me. It was after he raped me a year later with several other boys taking turns to hit and tease me that I started having panic attacks around older boys. Seeing him afterwards made me recall being raped and I was sure he was going to do it then and there. After that we moved and I stopped thinking about him, but the panic attacks and triggers persisted.

Since I was being sexually abused at home, it might seem difficult for me to decide when I began looking on my sexual experiences as rape. However, I remember being stripped and forced to bend over and that felt like rape, I just did not have the word for it as a 10 year old. My father's abuse felt more like my fulfilling his need and sparing my sister and mother. I did not like it and had heard my mother complain loudly at what he did. It was not until I was 14 that my father's abuse became unacceptable and it felt like rape.

I remember as a teenager I would wear several layers of clothes, even on a hot day. I did not question this and it took a long time before I was able to wear just some lightweight shorts and a thin t-shirt. I think I felt that covering myself up would stop males noticing me and I would be left alone, but that was for a long time an unconscious thought. I think it was only when I accepted that I had no control over what happened to me that I could feel like I had been raped and call it that.

I saw therapists for a few years from the age of 35 and came to partly understand what had happened to me and why I was relatively antisocial or independent. I later met someone who was understanding and we had as much sex as possible for a few months. I stayed with her for several years and found sex to be quite different to the painful experiences I had had as a child.

I can only imagine the shear panic you must've felt when you came out of the bathroom and were confronted with the evidence of the condom, and how mind screwing it must've been for *you* to be punished for it. I can understand your Grand parents freaking out at first, but can't understand how they didn't further process that you were taken advantage of, raped in actuality.

I think I would've dropped dead had I ever been confronted with evidence of my abuse back as a kid, especially if I was punished over it.

It was NOT your fault, you were used and taken advantage of by her. That wasn't your Grandparents shining moment, I'm so sorry that they reacted the way they did to you over what was done to you.

Did your Grandparents ever come to understand how their reaction & punishment of you was wrong and or apologize to you for it? I hope they did.
eagle79 -
i just read your story in the survivor stories forum and then came here from that link to get this installment. first let me say how sorry I am that these things were done to you. and one of the worst parts was that you got the blame. such injustice.

second, i could sense the anxiety that you were feeling while you typed these out. it was so real that i was feeling it myself.

third, some of that anxiety was because i also experienced an abuse event in a pool locker room/shower. i was also about 11. i also never wanted to go to a pool or be in a locker room or public shower after that. big problem when you are just starting middle school and required PE lies ahead of you every year.

once i was out of school i never went in another pool or gym locker room or shower. until about 4 years ago - finally got the courage after years of therapy to venture in. and i survived.

i hope you can get past all of this. you are courageous to put it out there and make the effort to heal. well done on a couple of good positive steps. you know that none of this was your fault, right? and that you did not deserve it.



Hey Traveler,

Thanks for the response. Sometimes I feel alone with what has happened to me, but it helps knowing that I am not the only one.

I know it's not my fault, but I always wish I did something more on keeping it from happening. The guy who molested me was very wrong, but I had such a massive opportunity on simply screaming! I still blame myself for not doing that.

I was raped when I was 15 by a good friend. I still have not posted my story about that yet, but I will eventually.


I have similar events as yours. Older cousin with me. I was 13. She was an adult. That I know. My parents blamed me. They all did. Also this rape affects me worse than my first as well, probably like you, because I was young and this time I was older.Reading you story resonates a lot with me. Stay strong.


rereading all the replies. Just want to say thanks. For some reason I can't get this "event" out of my mind today, it's just taking over my mind. It seriously hurts. Sometimes I don't think about it at all, and sometimes like today I can't get it out of my head. I always do my best on acting like this never happened, but it did.


it is quite odd to see girls abuse boys to be honest. they get lighter punishments in judicial system which is biasness. i hope you can find a way to stop it from popping up over and over.
CalabrianBambino said:
it is quite odd to see girls abuse boys to be honest.
Yes, because girls are assumed to be "good" in our culture, and boys "bad." But of course neither are automatically good or bad.

Perhaps we need to start examining our own reactions. Logically, this kind of abuse is not actually odd at all, since girls and women are just people, with the same opportunities to do horrible things to vulnerable children. Emotionally, as members of this board, we all know what girls and women are capable of.

Let's be careful with our words. Abuse, no matter who is committing it, is sadly not odd at all. But poorly-chosen words can make us feel odd, bad, and wrong, even though WE were the victims.


Chat Moderator
unfortunately girls abuse more often than is commonly understood, as many guys here would attest. As a society we so often over look the act and even provide bravado for the " lucky" guy who got to begin so young. Female abusers caused me no end of pain and strangely I didn't feel lucky at all. I
know there are countless numbers of guys who feel the same.


my god. im sorry about what happened. I was also abused by an older girl, as well as multiple male perps.
im glad ur speaking out. people need to know this happens.
thanks. Sometimes I wish I could get the courage on standing in front of some group and telling them my story. Sometimes I think about posting a video on youtube, but with a screen name that doesn't come back to me. Not sure why I have not done this yet.


it's crazy that it has been a year since I posted this story. It only took me 27 years on having the courage on talking about it.