I want to talk with other survivors of fem. abuse
I want to talk with other survivors of fem. abuse
- Thread starteranonDK
- Start date
physicsfriend
Registrant
I don't have murder fantasies about my perp or women, but I do experience graphic, violent fantasies at times which get me really turned on. They generally aren't directed towards any particular person and I don't have any real desire to enact any of these fantasies, even in play. But they do pop up from time to time and it's easy for me to obsess on them and how strongly they make my body react.
I don't know that this is the same thing as what you are describing, but I'm certain it's linked to some of the forms of abuse I experienced, even if not the sexual assault.
I don't know that this is the same thing as what you are describing, but I'm certain it's linked to some of the forms of abuse I experienced, even if not the sexual assault.
SubtleStuff
Registrant
Hi anonDK,
You're in the right place to talk with survivors of abuse by women. Welcome!
My murderous fantasies have tended to generalize to all people very rapidly. I seem to have had a very intense fear of directing it at women. So much so, that when given the opportunity to explore my anger in the presence of a female abuse therapist a few years back, I got severely ill first. These days I seem to be seeing more clearly the anger and perversion in women to whom I am attracted or with whom I have a close family connection. I work hard to protect myself from them.
I can totally understand the feeling and I think it's healthy to explore it in a place where it isn't hurtful to yourself or others (like here!).
Thanks for writing and sharing your journey with us.
Sincerely,
S
You're in the right place to talk with survivors of abuse by women. Welcome!
My murderous fantasies have tended to generalize to all people very rapidly. I seem to have had a very intense fear of directing it at women. So much so, that when given the opportunity to explore my anger in the presence of a female abuse therapist a few years back, I got severely ill first. These days I seem to be seeing more clearly the anger and perversion in women to whom I am attracted or with whom I have a close family connection. I work hard to protect myself from them.
I can totally understand the feeling and I think it's healthy to explore it in a place where it isn't hurtful to yourself or others (like here!).
Thanks for writing and sharing your journey with us.
Sincerely,
S
At one time, I worked for a software company that developed an artificial intelligence engine that we trained to recognize the content of web pages. Its main use was to identify and block pornography. Part of my job was to review the results of its categorization, so I looked at thousands and thousands of pages from porn sites.
The reason I mention it is because I remember one site where the content was so extreme that it did not contain any photographs or videos. Instead it consisted of drawings and paintings of women getting their breasts cut off, limbs severed, being riddled with bullets from machine guns, etc. At the time, I was pretty much immune to the content I was always seeing, but that site stuck in my head. I couldn't understand why someone would "go there." Now, though, I can only conclude that the creator of that site was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. I hope they found their way to healing and wholeness.
The reason I mention it is because I remember one site where the content was so extreme that it did not contain any photographs or videos. Instead it consisted of drawings and paintings of women getting their breasts cut off, limbs severed, being riddled with bullets from machine guns, etc. At the time, I was pretty much immune to the content I was always seeing, but that site stuck in my head. I couldn't understand why someone would "go there." Now, though, I can only conclude that the creator of that site was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and complex trauma. I hope they found their way to healing and wholeness.
anonDK:
Yes, I relate to those fantasies, although my perps were male so I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're looking for.
Either way, in my therapy we're currently doing IFS/"parts work." I have an angry part whose violent fantasies against the perps we've just started to explore. It can be very disturbing as we access the kind of anger and rage that's contained there. Just a few days ago we were working on this and after I described what the angry part was wanting to do for revenge vs the one perp, my T pointed out that this part wanted to do to him what had been done to him. In other words, although the actual violent content or acts were different, it fit the exact same pattern (i.e. element of surprise, violence, abandonment, etc.). I didn't even realize it myself until she noted it.
Yes, I relate to those fantasies, although my perps were male so I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're looking for.
Either way, in my therapy we're currently doing IFS/"parts work." I have an angry part whose violent fantasies against the perps we've just started to explore. It can be very disturbing as we access the kind of anger and rage that's contained there. Just a few days ago we were working on this and after I described what the angry part was wanting to do for revenge vs the one perp, my T pointed out that this part wanted to do to him what had been done to him. In other words, although the actual violent content or acts were different, it fit the exact same pattern (i.e. element of surprise, violence, abandonment, etc.). I didn't even realize it myself until she noted it.
Thank you for sharing, all of you. These fantasies are a bit disturbing to me, but therapist affirmed that this is a normal, healthy reaction. That comforted me, in a way. Mutilation fantasies about slitting her throat slowly with a razor blade stuff like that. Another weird thing happened today. Every single person who has have ever had power over me (sort of further traumatization) suddenly all looked like the perp, in my head. The same person, same trauma, same sh*t going on.
Just yesterday, I talked to a female friend I have, I had to back out from conversation, 'cause of sudden urge to tie her to a bed and whip her, lol. It's connected.
I'm very aware not to push this and go further into something I'm not ready dealing with. But today, I not only saw her face, also her hand and arm. That is a close as it can be, right now.
Every time these images appear in my head, I draw them. I can manage them better this way.
Just yesterday, I talked to a female friend I have, I had to back out from conversation, 'cause of sudden urge to tie her to a bed and whip her, lol. It's connected.
I'm very aware not to push this and go further into something I'm not ready dealing with. But today, I not only saw her face, also her hand and arm. That is a close as it can be, right now.
Every time these images appear in my head, I draw them. I can manage them better this way.
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