I Want to be the way I was before........(might trigger)

I Want to be the way I was before........(might trigger)
R

Redsongbird

Registrant
I was attacked.

Before: I had engery.
I was social.
I was sexually agressive (in a good way)
with my wife.
I was employed.
I could get up in church and sing.
I was friendly.
I was real.
I was carefree.
I was happy.

Now: I have no strength.
I am afraid to be in public places.
My wife is the one who is agressive.
I am still looking for a job.
I get up in church and sing from time to
time but I am a wreck before.
I hold back talking to people.
I feel fake.
Everything is thought out before hand.
I go from happy to sad in 30 seconds or
less.

Before.....being raped (going on five years this coming october) I was creative too. Now its draining to be creative....

I do attend college (age 44) to get training for a new career....but I have to make myself go sometimes....though I love the area I am studying...which happens to be counseling/human service/etc

I HAVE to get over this! I HAVE to get on with my life and ENJOY it! How can I help others (which is what I have heard all along....) if I can't help myself.....

sigh,
Tobey
 
This might not help but one of the reasons I came/come here (and there are many) is that some people help me and in turn I am able to help others. This community is made up of survivors and we have a lot to learn from each other.

There are parts of your experience that will help others, other will be able to relate to what you say and offer help, support and advice. Its a two way process.

In my humble opinion all you need to begin with is a determination to get over this, which it sounds like you have.

I also find that coming here is like free therapy, alright the guys are not professional therapists but they do offer unique and often insightful perspectives on all sorts of things.

I personally dont know what I was like before my assaults began because I was so young, but I am willing to bet that someone here shares a similar background and can relate to your situation.

That may not help you directly, all I can really say is that I care. We care. Keep coming and keep talking.

Its good to talk.....
 
Life sometimes takes the wind out of our sails and for a long time I asked why, and like anyone I wanted the answers right then. The answer came in this form; who better than you to help others suffering like you. You will be able to understand pain to help people in pain, humiliation to help humiliated people, etc. Before I got help I looked down at everyone from my (pseudo) high perch, I could not help anyone in pain because I thought I was so much better than them, when I realized that my life was rittled with pain and faced it I came out on the other side ready to help others because I knew what it felt like to be hurt. I used to feel like I was the only one dealing with this trauma, this nasty molested feeling. I got help, I asked others for help, which was not my way at the time but over the years I began accepting their help and it paid off. These people had experienced pain in the highest degree and they helped me and that is very important to me. If they had not sufferred they would not have been able to help me.

You metioned church so I must add this, you are able to relate to your creator because he understands pain, if Jesus is your God then you can see that he sufferred like you have, he was humilitated, spat on, mocked, beaten and you know the rest. He understands pain and you know that because he experienced it, the people you will help will know that you can help them because you have experienced what they have, they will be able to relate to you.

This site and people like you sharing your pain is help to all of us, it lets us know we are not alone or crazy for feeling everything you have mentioned in your post. Keep posting, keep coming back, let others help, professionals, mates, friends, anyone that will listen in confidence.
 
Tobey

I believe you still are, the way you were earlier, but you have disconnected from that part of youself as a result of the trauma.

Now the challenge lies in reconnecting back with that part of your true self which lies unplugged. How?

I suggest the best way to do that would be to ask you 'real' self to connect you back again with it, stay still while you get connected back.

You have got to learn to receive first, before you become ready to give, be it love or guidance. When you are ready to allow divine light to flow thru you, you become a channel, that would be your service.
 
Tobey, Just want you to know that I am reading and listening but have nothing to add that would help so far. Often, though, it helps me just to know that someone cares enough to listen. Bobby
 
you help just by talking cause someone else might say hey that sounds like me huh maybe i'm not the only one.and one person is not alone anymore. shadow
 
As said above, you help by saying where you are. The amazing thing that you have helped me clarify is that I want to be who I really am.

You have the before to compare to. I have no before to compare myself to, but I see myself in the discription you give of who you were before the rape. That is who I am - and that is who we are when we are healthy.

It sucks that recovery is now the only path to get there. But I thank God there is this journey with the support of those on the way.
 
Thanks everyone for your replys. Life certainly does take the winde out of our sails sometimes. I need to "connect" back to the person I was before my attack. Then I know that to be helpful to others I don't want to totally forget everything either. I doubt there is ever going to be a day I don't feel the pain in some way...I guess as long as I have a goal to get myself connected then that is good.

I know I come here and read stories...and it lets me know that I am not alone in this struggle. Even though I know that I guess it makes it more real to come here.

Tobey
 
You've picked a good field of study to help you reconnect. I just got my first job in social services working at an emergency teen shelter, and it is forcing me to reconnect. Sometimes I don't connect and feel that I am doing no good at my job, but for me it seems that once I started accepting my own pain, the clearer I could empathize and see it in others which I think must help in counseling. I also used to think I was somehow better or different than everybody, which I now know to have been effects of denial. Not that reconnecting is easy, but from examples of others that post here it seems real and possible. I wish you luck as you strive to get there, I am trying too. I personally don't think you can help others if you can't help yourself, but I have to believe that the two can go hand and hand, as you're helping others you learning about their pain, and by accepting it, somewhat accepting your own better.
 
Tobey,

I need to "connect" back to the person I was before my attack. Then I know that to be helpful to others I don't want to totally forget everything either. I doubt there is ever going to be a day I don't feel the pain in some way.
Click to expand...
Could I look at your last sentence here, and use the rest of the quote here to illustrate?

At one point I couldn't speak a word about my abuse or even name the abuser; I was just too gutted and overwhelmed by negative feelings, panic attacks, flashbacks and so on. Later I could talk a bit with trusted safe people but not much more. Now I have had a few cases where the subject came up in conversation, the moment was appropriate, and I mentioned that I am a survivor and we talked about it. I still get ambushed a lot and I know I have a lot of work yet to do, but I can see so much progress. I would never go back.

I don't see a day when I forget all this shit, but I don't want that anymore, just as you don't. What I want is what I now know I will get - peace. I will be able to live with the memories and condemn what happened to me, but the memories won't be able to hijack my life anymore.

Key in this process is what you talk about when you refer to connecting back to the person you were before you were abused. By bridging the wreckage in the middle we learn to see continuities in our lives and appreciate that we are not defined by abuse or condemned to amount to nothing more than damaged goods. On those foundations we build our process of recovery; small steps make it possible to deal with bigger ones, and often we are making progress when it most difficult to see it.

This thread talks a lot about communication among us here on the site. That is so important! There are complicated reasons for this, but it is always easier for us to see vital points raised in the recovery issues of others, but only slowly see how they relate to us as well. We help each other to see that, and in that way help our brothers and also ourselves.

Much love,
Larry
 
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