I Want To Be A Whole Man

[JC1]

It’s 1am and there’s no sleep. I need to say it, so I will. Then I think maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. I just can’t do that though.
I’ve made a lot of progress when it comes to understanding my abuse and letting go of the guilt and shame and self-loathing, etc. I’ve tried to learn and have regular therapy. That’s all good.
What’s not good is my ongoing struggle with SSA. I’ve admitted that more than once in here, and yes I know I’m not alone. I’m older than many of you, and this has been with me for decades. Oh I am married to a loving and supportive woman and have adult children. Still, I can’t even remember a time when this wasn’t there. But that ‘side’ always had to be concealed.
I’ve read a lot of ideas and theories about how this works. Some say one thing and others say something different. Everything from wiring issues to conditioning to possible ways to ‘fix’ me. All of it makes for an inner turmoil that tears me apart daily.
I don’t like what I am feeling. I don’t know which thought or idea is ‘right’ when it comes to this struggle. Maybe the answer is ‘none of the above’ because there’s no ‘one size fits all’ solution. There’s just ME as i am. It seems to me that I have to find a way to accept JC as the whole person that I am, instead of two parts fighting each other. I’m sick of ignoring the wants and needs that are there, or pretending they are not there at all, because others have a list of rights and wrongs. I don’t want to be at war with myself any more.
I realize that isn’t all there is to it. It’s not a simple matter. But instead of living to be what others want or expect me to be, I want to have some say about myself, based on what I feel at the center of my being. Finally.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

YOU
That is the only person that knows what is best, the only person that counts. And the only person that can make the best (and worst) choices. Making our own mistakes is great. We already did the mistakes of others.
As long as we have who supports us during our fails, reaches out to give a hand to stand up again and keep going, it’s just one more step to our true self.
And we all deserve to find our true selves

 

[Ferguson]

Hear you! Yes, you're not alone.

 

[LittleSteve]

I learned this when I was very young. I tell people you know the story about the guy that marches to a different drummer, well I have my own fucking parade, but it’s a parade 1.

I’ve always been different from everybody else I’ve known this my whole life, I’m highly intelligent. I have ADHD. I’m autistic. I don’t think the way other people think, I don’t understand emotions the way other people do. I’m awkward in social situations but highly successful. I got bullied in school because I was smart. What I’m trying to say JC is that I realize when I was very young that I was different from everybody else I didn’t fit in the way everybody else did and what I learned was there’s nothing wrong with that. I learned to cope when I was in school I used to write important things to remember on the back of my hands and pen because I couldn’t remember something from the morning till the afternoon so anything that was important to remember I would make notes on my hands because I looked at my hands all day long.

What I learned is that I had to accept myself for the way I am and who I am, and once I did that I found a lot of peace. I still do things almost every day that are funny and dumb I make mistakes constantly. I say the wrong things at times. But I accept myself that’s just who I am and once I did that I learned that life can be exciting and fun and rewarding. I’m not saying my journey is any different than anybody else’s but what I found was by accepting myself for who I am all of my parts and everything else that I was able to be comfortable in my own skin

 

[JC1]

Hear you! Yes, you're not alone.

Thanks Ferguson. Indeed I am not alone. I need to say what i feel.

 

[ireallystruggle]

JC, I hear you loud and clear. Many of us (including myself) have had SSA our whole lives and yet somehow are happily married with families. In many ways that's an accomplishment and something to be proud of and thankful for. At the same time, we've had SSA for as long as we know, and if it's unwanted, that comes with a lot of shame.

Whatever drives it though, it's there, and the healthiest approach is for us to love and accept ourselves just the way we are. Being able to do that is part of our journey towards healing.

 

[JC1]

JC, I hear you loud and clear. Many of us (including myself) have had SSA our whole lives and yet somehow are happily married with families. In many ways that's an accomplishment and something to be proud of and thankful for. At the same time, we've had SSA for as long as we know, and if it's unwanted, that comes with a lot of shame.

Whatever drives it though, it's there, and the healthiest approach is for us to love and accept ourselves just the way we are. Being able to do that is part of our journey towards healing.

Oh man thank you so much! To have guys who understand means EVERYTHING. Everything you said, I could say.