I want this to stop now.

[BFree27]

I'm spinning and I need to slow down.

Too much is happening. When someone says you can have too much of a good thing they mean it. So many loving, beautiful people coming into my life who all want and need their attention and I have no idea if I'll be able to keep up.

Add onto that an old dragon breathing fire and you have a whole shit-storm of "I have no idea what to do here".

I'm trying to just focus on the good. I really am. I feel free most days, light, fluffy, like a cloud. Fears become worries, I can sleep, it's been so nice this overall month.

Once I'm triggered (every few days) I sink back down, more like dive head-first, and it leaves me reeling. I don't know how to handle the back and forth. I'm trying to ignore things again because if I just ignore them I won't have anything to react to, right? But that's what got me here in the first place.

I thought I was better than this. I have all of these things that I've learned to do to cope, and even "moved on" from so much of my trauma, but then something like this happens and I feel like I'm back to square one. I hurt. I just want this spinning to stop, the ringing to go away. I want my mind to stop telling me I'm not safe here just because I know my abusive assholes are still out there.

I can't do anything about them.

I need to get over this or I'm going to drive myself insane. Or have I already?

 

[ForeverFighting]

I could have written what you wrote. That's exactly how it feels. I call it my own personal roller coaster. My therapist says it's like learning to surf the waves. I have said I feel insane so many times. She says she has insane clients--the ones who think there's nothing wrong with them, and they don't want to do anything differently.

But that's what got me here in the first place. That's where I am, too. I figure if I have to vomit this garbage out in order to feel better, that's what I'm going to do. So I'm doing therapy with a specialist in PTSD, I'm supposed to start EMDR, I write like a crazy man here about the deep stuff and then wish I could delete it but I don't--whatever it takes to stare the dragon in the face until all it can do is puff a little steam.

Man I feel what you're saying. I have had to set some rigid boundaries with myself about who I can be around. Protect yourself. Even lots of loving people, like you say, can be too much. I wish you didn't have to go through this, too. Like Kevin said, This process sucks.

Michael

 

[BFree27]

At what point do we say it's good enough? Why do we have to do so much work just for other people to see us as "normal"? Why isn't it considered their inability to recognize when someone needs compassion, rather than us being "broken"?

I'm tired of all of this. Why should it be a process that we struggle through alone, or only with the ones who have also experienced it? Why can't society stare the monsters we've created in the face and see how ugly we've become (not to say that all abusers are coerced to be so; some people are just inherently sociopaths/psychopaths)? Mental health is something that effects all of us. It doesn't matter to what degree, doesn't matter what type of abuse/interactions you've had: people are mentally and emotionally effected by their environment and that includes the people around them. We are like a web of reactions. Starting cycles, watching them build and change as time goes by, then finally stopping them either by sheer willpower OR the inability to move forward and care where you end up anymore.

Such a weird thing. I seriously have all of these logical, world-changing thoughts spinning constantly but there's also this voice that almost coos in the back of my mind, sometimes whimpering, sometimes begging for attention, always there. I want it gone. I always have but there's nothing I can do about that.

 

[BFree27]

Also, Thank you for your support. I don't mean to seem like I don't appreciate it. I just also need to vent here because I don't get the chance to anywhere else. My therapist, as much as we connect on most things, seems to have this image of me (like everyone else, who knew?) that doesn't quite add up to what's going on in here. Every time I start to talk like this she redirects.

 

[ForeverFighting]

No, I totally understand your frustration. I am so there today. Seriously, I want this to stop now, too.

Take care,
Michael