I told my girlfriend... feeling ashamed.

I told my girlfriend... feeling ashamed.
S

survive75

Registrant
I told my girlfriend about my abuse last night. (Thanks to everyone's encouragement.) We took a drive to the ocean and it was sort of quiet in the car and I told her I needed to tell her something.

I told her that my stepfather had done things to me when I was little and that it was starting to affect me recently. I told her that I was going to start therapy again. I sort of passed it off as not a big deal and that I was handling it okay. (I didn't give her any real details.) I just played it like it was something I thought she had a right to be aware of.

Do you think I was too vague? Should I tell her the details or spare her? I purposefully spent the day away from her just because the knots in my stomach make me want to puke knowing that she knows now. Everytime she looked at me last night, I felt so ashamed and really angry that someone knew my secret. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about here? Giving up that secret to my therapist was the hardest thing I'd ever done... and this feels even worse, because I know that she knows my friends, family... like it could come out at anytime accidentally.

Please give me some encouragement here guys, because I feel like I really fucked up by telling her.

-Sean
 
Survive 75;

You did not screw up believe me. What you did was ok. If she wants to know more she will ask you. Remember it was never your fault, not ever.

I sort of passed it off as not a big deal and that I was handling it okay. (I didn't give her any real details.) I just played it like it was something I thought she had a right to be aware of.
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Maybe it might help her a bit if you let it know gently how much it hurt you. And my brother it is a big deal, a very big deal.

Everytime she looked at me last night, I felt so ashamed and really angry that someone knew my secret.
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There is no goddamned way you should feel ashamed, none at all. Maybe you are giving your girlfriend too little credit. There is no reason to ignore her. She does not think any less of you you know. We all think the worst because we have been trained that way. What happened to you was the most horrible thing that could happen. Remember we fear the unknown and you have embarked on new waters and it will not as comfortable as it was in the past. But the past, in my case, is where I dont want to be anymore. I practiced self destructing behaviour for almost 40 years.

You are not dirty or unclean but what happened to was and you could do nothing about it. Just keep that in the front of your mind.

Hope this helps a little
 
sean,
mike is saying the truth in that the results of your abuse is in no way, shape, or form, your fault. we who have survived are brainwashed into believing the absolute worst of ourselves and that everyone knows of it and agrees with it. that is simply not true. think back in your own life, sean. do you remember times when a friend's look or words had you so completely convinced that they thought the least of you when in reality, after you asked them or it came out later that you were totally mistaken? that completely contrary to your conclusion of their thoughts or reaction, they really thought of you in greater terms? that they really did love you? i wont make any conjectures about what might have gone through your girlfriend's mind as you told her part of your story, but i am convinced it is not what you were feeling. what i would suggest is that when this comes up again you gently ask her what her thoughts were when she was hearing your survival story. we are all here for you, sean. take good care of yourself, and believe you did do the right thing. we all survived for a reason, and that reason was to live and learn and grow.
 
Hey Brother,
Telling someone about the abuse we faced is probley one of the hardest things we will ever do on the road to recovery. Part of why you were feeling so bad is because you opened yourself up and you felt voneralbe (spelling?)(imho anyway). I know when I told my wife about what my step father did to me I did puke and I shoke and couldnt stop no matter how hard I tried. I've heard other brothers talk about feeling the same way. As for you not telling her the details, well maybe your not ready to explain to her that much. Or maybe she's not ready to hear it. I would just play it by ear. She may need some time to think about what you have told her and then she may ask you some questions, or she may have questions but is scared to ask you for fear of making you feel she is trying to push you into telling her. Im not her so have no idea, just rambeling some thoughts here. You should let her know that this is a big deal. That this is something that has affected you life and your going to work on fixing the shit your step father gave you. She needs to know that this is a big deal to you. She doesnt really need to know all the gory details, but as your girlfriend and someone that is sharing your life for now she needs to know this is a big deal to you. Its only fair to you and to her. If she thinks its no big deal then she's not going to understand later when you show her it is. Brother your very brave to share your story with us and with her. Keep up the good work, it's not an easy road to traval but one I know you can. I know for me part of the reason I didnt tell my wife was I was worried she would think I was sick, or I wanted it some how. I expected her to run away from me as fast as she could, enstead she ran to me as fast as she could. She showed me she wasnt going to judge me for what was done to me. Funny think support, it seems to come when you least expect it and from the right places. I hope your finding support here. Good luck and let us know how you and your girl friend are doing.
James
 
Survive 75,

You did the right thing. And it sems like she is still there for you. This is part of your life and so is she. If you think she is the right person, it is good that you told her.

Freedom
 
I think you did the right thing as well. Sometimes as survivors we either don't speak out or we give too much information and sometimes is is hard for us to know where that line is. I think you gave enough and if she is interested, she will ask you additional questions. You did take a big step and that big step will lead to many more!

Don
 
Sean

i think you did the right thing. like everyone else has said, you shouldn't feel ashamed for what happened to you. i know that it's much easier said than done, but you were not in the wrong. i think whatever you told her, however much... was enough. telling every little detail is not important right now, but getting it out, letting her know that this is something that is affecting you was such a big, brave step. i know exactly how you are feeling. after i told my girlfriend about what my father had done to me, i didn't see her for three days. i felt ashamed just like you and scared that she would look at me differently. that hasn't been that long ago, but things are getting better. it's easier to be around her now, i think. letting go of your secret is so hard. i had never told anyone about my abuse, save for my T and my foster dad. He knew the situation when i came to live with him and his family. i know the feeling of knots in your stomach, wanting to puke after you think of what you actually did, but try and remember that in the end it will hopefully be a positive step forward for you and your girlfriend.

Kip
 
Sean,

You did good! It is so difficult to disclose the existence of sexual abuse in our lives. Talking about it, even vaguely, is a release, it brings it out of the dark and into the light. It took me 38 years to tell anyone about it. I was seeing a therapist for a couple of months before I even told my wife of at that time 28 years. I thought that the abuse was my fault all that time and thought that I was a fraud, that my whole life was just a fluke. I told my wife just a little about it at first. As I found out how supportive she was I shared more and more my feelings. It was a revelation to her and to me as I'd never really had 'feelings'. Sure there were some rough times and some of the things that I disclosed were embarrassing to me and hurtful to her. But in my mind not telling her was the same as continueing the lie, keeping the secret that did nothing really but protect the perpetrator and keep me from growing and healing.

It does get easier. I stand up now and challenge ignorant people who have said things like "Why didn't those men come forward when the abuse happened instead of waiting for all those years?" I give them the statistics of sexual abuse of boys, I tell them how humiliating it is and sometimes I even tell them that it happened to me. And I challenge them to deal with it. Abuse happens in secret. Ignoring it, pretending that it doesn't happen to good people or anyone that they know is no longer acceptable. It's a secret that has to be exposed. None of us asked for it, none of us was to blame, if there is any shame at all it belongs to the abusers, the perpetrators who did this to us.

Take good care of yourself Sean, we're all with you and we're all here to help oneanother.

Steve
 
Sean
she didn't run away screaming ?

The chances are she's more than a bit upset, not at you - for you , and maybe needs a bit of space to think about it, and maybe pluck up the courage to ask you a bit more about it.

It's probably as hard for her to accept the shock, as it was for you to disclose.

And was that strange feeling a mixture of relief and pride ?
It's a feeling we're not used to, so maybe it was.

Well done anyway, it's a big bold step that can only do you good.

Dave
 
God... you all have been so supportive and amazing. Thank you. These past two weeks have been hell for me and I don't know if I could have made it through without finding this forum.

I talked to my girlfriend again tonight. I told her I was sorry if I scared her and told her I was afraid that she thought I was sick or, my word was "damaged" I think. She said no, that she was just kind of surprised and hadn't expected that that was what I had wanted to tell her. I told her I was nervous that she would talk about it with our mutual friends, etc. and she said she wouldn't. So that's somewhat of a relief for me.

All of your replies have stirred up so much for me... I realize how much I want to keep this secret for myself... it's the only thing that's mine after all of the abuse. It's fucked up... I know. Hopefully some of you out there can relate.

I realize how easily I have believed my own lies... that it wasn't a big deal, I survived it, etc. So much is coming up and I feel like I'm holding onto a thread. I'm glad I told my g/f but I still feel like I gave up the only thing I have to hold onto... that secret.

You all have been great... thank you all so much. I just hope I can make it through this with a little sanity left at the end of it.

-Sean
 
Sean, you have gotten lots of support and shared experience here. Every time I hear a survivor speak about the shame they feel, and take some blame for their abuse, I feel a mixture of sadness, anger, and, well, affection for a man whom I know is a really terrific guy.

Your girlfriend is veruy lucky to have found a guy like you. I hope that you can believe that. It has all been said so no need to repeat it...you are the kid, who has now grown up. The feelings can be for the little kid that was so harmed. But that kid grew to be a really decent and good guy.

Bob
 
I was afraid that she thought I was sick or, my word was "damaged"
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You did the right thing, but you also have the right words. The above is precisely why I have only told my wife and another close friend. I will never tell anyone else.

Green
 
So much is coming up and I feel like I'm holding onto a thread. I'm glad I told my g/f but I still feel like I gave up theI still feel like I gave up the only thing I have to hold onto... that secret.
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Sean,

You're absolutely right. You gave up the only thing that you had to hold onto.

Now you have a strong rope, with friends reaching down to pull you up, others climbing beside you for support and advice. You have a crew waiting just below to catch you if you slip backward. You have your girlfriend to give you emotional support and help you find the strength that she and we know you have so that when you need to, you will be stronger than you ever dreamed possible.

I hope you think it was a good trade.

Joe
 
Sean

It's no secret anymore, I know for a start.

To hell with the secret, it isn't YOURS anyway, it's theirs - the abusers. You were just clinging to it on a temporary basis.
Share their secret, smash it wide open, and hope it haunts them for the rest of their days.

Dave
 
Sean: I could not possibly add anything to what has already been said except that you really know now that you are not alone any longer and that makes you stronger.
 
All of your replies have stirred up so much for me... I realize how much I want to keep this secret for myself... it's the only thing that's mine after all of the abuse. It's fucked up... I know. Hopefully some of you out there can relate.
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I'm glad I told my g/f but I still feel like I gave up the only thing I have to hold onto... that secret.
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Secrets. Yes, Sean, I can relate.

I carried my secrets for over 40 years. But here is what I have learned in the past 6 years or so since I finally let them out.

They weren't really secrets, were they? In my case, there were two abusers, 10 years apart. They knew, for as long as they lived. It isn't really a secret if someone else knew. They knew. One may still be alive and still know.

Keeping their secrets is just another way abusers control and use us. We become an extension of them by not telling. We become our own abusers in this respect.

Harsh words, I know, but I tell you what I now know is true.

Another thing I've learned is that SECRETS require SILENCE and SECRETS create SILENCE. In the SILENCE, LIES live unchallenged. And new LIES are born and grow. In SILENCE. In SECRET.

LIES defy and deny logic, common sense, and the TRUTH. LIES cause you to misunderstand and misinterpret what you see, hear, feel, think, want, and need.

SECRETS-->SILENCE-->LIES and back to SECRETS. This is a another, secondary "cycle" of abuse. It must be broken as surely as the cycles of abuse and violence.

Taken as a whole, this cycle could easily define Denial. Think about it. I'm not just talking about our own denial. There is plenty to go around. The denial of the abusers. The denial by society that Sexual Abuse of children is so common and so damaging.

One last thing I've learned. You have to tell.

The secrets must be let out. I am not saying you must write a signed letter to a newspaper, or wear a t-shirt, or tell everyone and anyone in a sort of projectile confession or announcement.

What I am saying is that from personal experience, and from meeting and talking with several dozen Survivors, it is necessary to progress towards wholeness.

For me, it started with a therapist. Then I told my closest, longest known friend. Then I went to a retreat, and there I proclaimed the truth to 35 other Survivors by my very presence. Stephen_5 was there, he knows what I mean.

Then I told an aunt and uncle. Then I told my mother. Then I joined this community. Then I went to another retreat. Then I told two more very close friends.

Then I told my boss, during a long, intimate, philosophical, spiritual, "Who are you, anyway?", conversation, wherein we learned that we are both rape survivors.

I'm not saying you need to tell as many people, or even anyone else, but I am saying that telling will help you, and will prove that you are not damaged, not shameful, not guilty.

Each telling becomes easier; less stress, less fear, less hopelessness. Just be careful and selective in who you tell and why you tell.

So you told your girlfriend, and now it's out. I hope no harm will come from this disclosure. It sounds as though none will. But even if it does, Sean, believe you have done the right thing.

You know that the secrets, silence, and lies are eating at you, and affecting you in ways that can seem unbearable.

The secret is not the only thing you have to hold on to or that is fully your own. It was hiding all the things you are and have. You have begun to kick it out, along with the lies, and now you can discover or reclaim all that is the real you.

Tell what happened and put the guilt and shame back where it belongs. Find a group of Survivors or go to a retreat when you are ready, and see. Be seen for who you are; A man who was violated and assaulted as a child and has Survived, and will not let it rule or run his life anymore.

Being here and communicating with us is a great beginning, and a great lifeline and touchstone, but Life is waiting for you. You have hard work to do, and anger to vent, and tears to cry. Then will come the joy and the laughter. I am honored to be a witness to your progress.

I fully believe that you cannot mend yourself until you Break the Silence.
 
Don's reply is a true and eloquent description of telling. There is nothing for me to add.

What really turns my crank is when I try to figure out the number of man years here where the silence and secret on to themselves kept us from moving forward earlier. That really pisses me off. In my case it was 45 damned years. Add it to Don's and between us we have 95 years of pain. :mad: :mad:
 
Hey guys... thanks again for all of the support. I know I should feel lucky that I'm sorting through all of this shit at 27 instead of 47, but most of my anger comes from the fact that I have to be dealing with any of this at all.

Something my therapist said to me a long time ago was that I was "only as sick as my secrets" and while it helped me at the time break through and admit to the abuse, it makes me angry in its cliche today as I write this. Part of me wants to scream that I am not sick, regardless of my secrets I choose to keep. That I didn't want this. But another part of me believes that I did want it, in some sick way, and therefore, I am sick. Or maybe not want it, but I certainly didn't stop it from happening.

Sorry guys... I am still new at this shit. I *know* it's not my fault, but I don't believe it yet.
 
Sean,

I, too, have been silent and held this secret for 27 years like you. Finally, I am sorting it out, working through it, healing, or what ever you want to call it. No longer ingnoring it.

In my first visit to the Pdoc, I realized some of the effects of the SA and how it had affected my relationships. These understandings/realizations have expanded through T, this discussion board, and the chat room. With this, I have decided I would not seek out a girlfriend (to me this means determining if this person is a possible future spouse)until which time I feel that I would be able to tell them about the SA and its affects, when the time is appropiate. I admire your ability to have done so.

I know when the time comes for me, it will be scarey. But, it would be unfair to this person I would want to be with to hide something that will affect her life too.

Take care,
Bill
 
Don-NY stated it so eloquently. There is something so powerful in telling my story to a group of fellow survivors. I was at that retreat with Don. It was my first time in a group and I was terrified. I have since told a few close friends. Some of them have said with much hesitation 'Me too.' Letting the light into the darkness is empowering, it's not a secret anymore and I don't want to 'protect' the abuser anymore.

Again, you did the right thing. But with each telling a little more of the burden is eased. I'm a little envious of you dealing with it at your age. I waited for 38 years but that was when I was ready.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
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