I thought I was done - TRIGGERS!
I thought I was done with having “new” memories of old events pop up. But for some reason another one occurred yesterday. It was triggered by a comment in a conversation about someone else’s medical condition and a procedure that is planned. This time the memory was not of the abuse itself, but about an incident that snuck past my consciousness in a weird way and then was repressed for decades. I have not been able to forget about it since then and thought that maybe if I shared about it here, I might get some relief.
It was during the Viet Nam War and I must have been about 20. I was ordered to appear for a pre-induction physical. (I ended up not being drafted.) It was an incredibly dehumanizing experience as scores of guys in only skivvies and shoes wound their way through the building, being checked at dozens of stations and I was having a very difficult time. The worst part was when we were told to drop drawers, bend over, and spread our cheeks.
A couple of men walked down the line, examining each and taking notes. When they got to me, the examiner made a comment about damage or injury to the anus. The other guy wrote something on his clipboard. I was mortified and humiliated, worried about who had heard it and wondering what they were assuming about me. I knew that it must have happened when I was a kid and the step-dad had pushed things up my butt. And here is the weird part – I was not consciously aware at the time of this physical of what had been done to me when I was younger. I had repressed it and yet was reasoning about it in the moment and then forgot it again. I have always remembered other details about that physical but not this episode.
I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. It is not like it was a memory of actual abuse. Maybe it is because I did not deal with it at the time? Or the third person objective evidence of the abuse that intruded into my life when I was trying to ignore and deny it? Could be because of the surprise element now when I thought I had all the pieces in place? The feeling of exposure – both literally and also the vulnerability of having proof of abuse discovered by others before I was ready to face it? I don't know.
Lee
It was during the Viet Nam War and I must have been about 20. I was ordered to appear for a pre-induction physical. (I ended up not being drafted.) It was an incredibly dehumanizing experience as scores of guys in only skivvies and shoes wound their way through the building, being checked at dozens of stations and I was having a very difficult time. The worst part was when we were told to drop drawers, bend over, and spread our cheeks.
A couple of men walked down the line, examining each and taking notes. When they got to me, the examiner made a comment about damage or injury to the anus. The other guy wrote something on his clipboard. I was mortified and humiliated, worried about who had heard it and wondering what they were assuming about me. I knew that it must have happened when I was a kid and the step-dad had pushed things up my butt. And here is the weird part – I was not consciously aware at the time of this physical of what had been done to me when I was younger. I had repressed it and yet was reasoning about it in the moment and then forgot it again. I have always remembered other details about that physical but not this episode.
I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. It is not like it was a memory of actual abuse. Maybe it is because I did not deal with it at the time? Or the third person objective evidence of the abuse that intruded into my life when I was trying to ignore and deny it? Could be because of the surprise element now when I thought I had all the pieces in place? The feeling of exposure – both literally and also the vulnerability of having proof of abuse discovered by others before I was ready to face it? I don't know.
Lee
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