I thought I was done - TRIGGERS!

I thought I was done - TRIGGERS!
I thought I was done with having “new” memories of old events pop up. But for some reason another one occurred yesterday. It was triggered by a comment in a conversation about someone else’s medical condition and a procedure that is planned. This time the memory was not of the abuse itself, but about an incident that snuck past my consciousness in a weird way and then was repressed for decades. I have not been able to forget about it since then and thought that maybe if I shared about it here, I might get some relief.

It was during the Viet Nam War and I must have been about 20. I was ordered to appear for a pre-induction physical. (I ended up not being drafted.) It was an incredibly dehumanizing experience as scores of guys in only skivvies and shoes wound their way through the building, being checked at dozens of stations and I was having a very difficult time. The worst part was when we were told to drop drawers, bend over, and spread our cheeks.

A couple of men walked down the line, examining each and taking notes. When they got to me, the examiner made a comment about damage or injury to the anus. The other guy wrote something on his clipboard. I was mortified and humiliated, worried about who had heard it and wondering what they were assuming about me. I knew that it must have happened when I was a kid and the step-dad had pushed things up my butt. And here is the weird part – I was not consciously aware at the time of this physical of what had been done to me when I was younger. I had repressed it and yet was reasoning about it in the moment and then forgot it again. I have always remembered other details about that physical but not this episode.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. It is not like it was a memory of actual abuse. Maybe it is because I did not deal with it at the time? Or the third person objective evidence of the abuse that intruded into my life when I was trying to ignore and deny it? Could be because of the surprise element now when I thought I had all the pieces in place? The feeling of exposure – both literally and also the vulnerability of having proof of abuse discovered by others before I was ready to face it? I don't know.

Lee
 
Last edited:
The feeling of exposure – both literally and also the vulnerability of having proof of abuse discovered by others before I was ready to face it? I don't know.

I think you're onto something, Lee. It's certainly understandable why this experience would have been forgotten as as the original abusive experiences had been. It reminds me of the re-traumatization that those being forced to report their own abuse/assault in court can experience. The whole thing: the not being ready, the totally unsupportive environment (to say the least), the exposure, the shaming, all seem to mimic actual abuse. I'm glad you're processing this experience of remembering here where it is safe to do so.
 
@traveler Our minds are so good at protecting us. I am sure when they made those comments, it leaked through your defenses, not consciously, but just enough to spark the feelings.

If only we recovered sequentially, in a nice neat narrative. But we don't. I am sorry these memories come at odd times. But their emergence can be empowering. Another piece of your puzzle is known. I am so sorry it's so ugly.
 
Oh man, I could only imagine the panic that would've triggered, like @BDD said, I bet your mind in it's quest to protect your sanity built a quick wall of denial that locked away that memory till you'd be able to deal with it later... and now is later I guess.
 
When I was 12 I had to go to hospital for over a week because of being very sick -(encephalitis). My family doctor admitting me in the emerg room was examining me. Next thing he told me to lie on my side and pull my knees up towards my chest. Then he inserted finger or fingers, I can't remember, did his so called rectal exam on me a 12 yr old boy, then turned and announced to my father standing by that "he just has the flu"! His fingering hurt like bloody hell, and if he did that to determine that I had the flu then my father could have done that at home and saved me the embarrassment of being fingered in "public"! It was years later, I heard he was under investigation for child molestation! was never charged, he should have been! That was rape what he did to me. and how many other boys?
 
It reminds me of the re-traumatization that those being forced to report their own abuse/assault in court can experience. The whole thing: the not being ready, the totally unsupportive environment (to say the least), the exposure, the shaming, all seem to mimic actual abuse.
That sounds likely, Casmir. Thanks for replying.
 
I am sure when they made those comments, it leaked through your defenses, not consciously, but just enough to spark the feelings.
True. It reminds me of another time when I was being abused - the last time, when I was about 15-16 - and I thought, "Oh, no! Not again!" but then I thought to myself, "Why did I say 'again'?" because at the time I had already forgotten or repressed the previous abuse. But the feeling I was having as a reaction was exactly the same and I recognized it.
Thank you for your response, BDD
 
I bet your mind in it's quest to protect your sanity built a quick wall of denial that locked away that memory till you'd be able to deal with it later... and now is later I guess.
I guess so. The thing that is so strange is that there have not been any "new" memories surface for years. I just wonder why this one was still hiding out - especially since it was such an indirect thing - not a first-hand abuse situation at all.

George, thank you for responding. Every affirming post is helpful.
 
When I was 12 I had to go to hospital for over a week because of being very sick -(encephalitis). My family doctor admitting me in the emerg room was examining me. ... That was rape what he did to me. and how many other boys?
Bornfree - I am so sorry that you went through that. Thanks for chiming in. our shared experiences - whether similar or different - all serve to build solidarity and strengthen the mutual support.
 
I was not consciously aware at the time of this physical of what had been done to me when I was younger.

I just wonder why this one was still hiding out - especially since it was such an indirect thing - not a first-hand abuse situation at all.

I think that while you were not consciously aware of the step father abuse your subconscious brain surely was, having already been in a heightened state running a full blocking denial it must've taken what would've been a panic or trigger situation and understandably blocked that too. We hear that some of us deal with abuse by totally blocking it out or repressing it, the others like me never forgot any of it but built strong denials of what it meant, "it didn't mean anything", "I wasn't abused", "it didn't change me", all in a quest to preserve our sanity till we're able to deal with it later.

Yeah, the physical in and of itself wasn't abuse but your brain ( in my guess) took it as a possibility of triggering a breakthrough of the blocking / repressing it was already running to protect you. This would've been a major panic situation for someone like me who remembered the abuse, and even you were worried at the time about their pointing out the damage, talking about it and writing things down. Your subconscious brain did exactly what it was there to do, it kicked into high gear and quickly blocked and repressed what would've been a painful breakthrough trigger.

Why it came out now? (my guess) being that it wasn't an abuse moment that it didn't come out with the abuse memories. It was a lower level threat that your brain repressed and finally released but it only came back to the forefront when jogged by the recent medical procedure talk. I know it's a wonder but it seems like your mind was doing all the right things to keep you safe when it needed to and now that you are safe it's letting things like this go now. Our brains are an amazing thing to be able to do all this even as young kids.
 
Traveler I am so sorry the connections finally clicked into place - sometimes the way my mind refuses to connect the dots for my protection makes it seem more insane when the connections are allowed. To me it adds a layer of doubting my own sanity reinforced by gaslighting that also occurred in the past.

This may seem a lower level trauma but to be that vulnerable and commanded so many times by authority figures to expose, contort and spread is in itself retraumatizing a survivor. Not meant that way intentionally by the staff or the induction center - but the perps intent and past acts moved the military efficiency to new heights of dehumanizing retraumatization.
 
Bornfree - I am so sorry that you went through that. Thanks for chiming in. our shared experiences - whether similar or different - all serve to build solidarity and strengthen the mutual support.
He was questioned by the police about childhood sex abuse, but he got off! His partner did not.
 
I think that while you were not consciously aware of the step father abuse your subconscious brain surely was, having already been in a heightened state running a full blocking denial it must've taken what would've been a panic or trigger situation and understandably blocked that too.
. . .
Our brains are an amazing thing to be able to do all this even as young kids.
That all makes sense.
Thanks, George!
 
This may seem a lower level trauma but to be that vulnerable and commanded so many times by authority figures to expose, contort and spread is in itself retraumatizing a survivor. . . .- but the perps intent and past acts moved the military efficiency to new heights of dehumanizing retraumatization.
Thanks so much for posting this, Mani! I can't believe that I didn't see it sooner, but the command and the position were almost exactly the same as during at least one event of the previous abuse. I am sure that is why the trigger occurred - and why my mind buried this incident so deep - it felt as though the original trauma was about to be repeated.

As soon as i read your post, this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was literally dizzy and breathless for a few moments. As George said, my mind was doing what it had to do - and kept on well past the time when it was necessary. Now it all seems so obvious!!!

Thank you all for helping me put it all together.
 
Traveler,
So sorry you’re struggling with this. In my case I do not remember the last 7-8 months of my 9 months abuse. This is when things really got bad. Even though it will hurt, I still would like to know what happened so I guess this can be a double edged sword. Take care and keep posting when you get the need. We’re here for you.
Take care…
 
Traveler,

I can totally relate with “new” memories.

I was molested by a family friend at the age of 8 (he was 25+ and a friend of my divorced mother). This was back in 1968. I told my mom the next morning (it happened when he had me for a sleep over) and she never discussed it again. I told my family in 1990 (my mom died in 1973)—they had no idea this had happened to me.

Fast forward-I always knew that I saw the movie Jungle Book (the original) twice at the drive in (circa 1968) but didn’t have much more of a memory other than my mom & sisters were with me at one of the showings.

Fast forward again to last month—53 years later. Some family members & I were discussing what the first drive-in-movie was that we saw….I immediately said JUNGLE BOOK. As I uttered those words, I saw in my mind’s eye, my abuser in the front seat of his car molesting me another time.

A few hours after this memory, I contacted my sister closest in age to me and discussed my memory. I always “knew” that he “got” me on more than one occasion, but I could not assign a time or place to any other event-until now:

That sick SOB molested me in his car while he and I were (alone) watching a G-rated movie. How sick/warped is that?

I’m in therapy & believe there is “something else” out there….and I’m sure it will come to me at some point. I’ll be ready—and I will continue to comfort that little boy who was not protected by the person who should have been my #1 protector…



QUOTE="traveler, post: 587429, member: 2963"]
I thought I was done with having “new” memories of old events pop up. But for some reason another one occurred yesterday. It was triggered by a comment in a conversation about someone else’s medical condition and a procedure that is planned. This time the memory was not of the abuse itself, but about an incident that snuck past my consciousness in a weird way and then was repressed for decades. I have not been able to forget about it since then and thought that maybe if I shared about it here, I might get some relief.

It was during the Viet Nam War and I must have been about 20. I was ordered to appear for a pre-induction physical. (I ended up not being drafted.) It was an incredibly dehumanizing experience as scores of guys in only skivvies and shoes wound their way through the building, being checked at dozens of stations and I was having a very difficult time. The worst part was when we were told to drop drawers, bend over, and spread our cheeks.

A couple of men walked down the line, examining each and taking notes. When they got to me, the examiner made a comment about damage or injury to the anus. The other guy wrote something on his clipboard. I was mortified and humiliated, worried about who had heard it and wondering what they were assuming about me. I knew that it must have happened when I was a kid and the step-dad had pushed things up my butt. And here is the weird part – I was not consciously aware at the time of this physical of what had been done to me when I was younger. I had repressed it and yet was reasoning about it in the moment and then forgot it again. I have always remembered other details about that physical but not this episode.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. It is not like it was a memory of actual abuse. Maybe it is because I did not deal with it at the time? Or the third person objective evidence of the abuse that intruded into my life when I was trying to ignore and deny it? Could be because of the surprise element now when I thought I had all the pieces in place? The feeling of exposure – both literally and also the vulnerability of having proof of abuse discovered by others before I was ready to face it? I don't know.

Lee
[/QUOTE]
 
Top