**i thot i was doign so good**
i didnt cry yesterday, tho i told my T i would allow myself moments to do so if they arose, and i just wrote out someting so shitty to such a hopeful post to so many
i dont remember or know if i have ever been on such an emotional roller coaster so severe as i have been lately -- i believed i had experienced the worst things already i could ever have experienced and even silently thot to myself that i thot i had survived pretty fucking well given the circumstances
yesterday i had the conviction to stop poisoning myself with my meds, and now .... i dont know if i can do it or not do it
it matters not, nothing matters -- i dotn know how to let go of him when i know in my heart he is at his lowest, and that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, even if that means leaving me
i am trying not to be vindictive or hateful, tryiang to be that tuff little bitch cop that i had been for awhile -- but its all gone
a RUSE just as my "coping" had been --
i dotn fu king know how to hang on -- i know i just want my girls around me, i know i just want to be held tightly as i cry and more importantly i want someone to hear my tears to see my body wretchhing filled with the pain from this
i want to be able tyo hide again behind that bullshit of being so tuff and not be reminded of how small and meaningless i am in as just another in a sea of others
i know who is standing gaurd, waiting in line ready to fall out and do duty -- but i a am, a lonley commander of my life
a life i never asked for, but kept tring to do the right thing...
i cant quit, i cant stop and i cant tive up, and that is what i most want to do
but the pain would be for noting then
and there has been far to oomuch pain for it not to amount to something some sort of CHANGE for the betterment
not just of my life, but BECAUSE of my life cuz i never have let the fuckers see me cry and now i cant even g o out ot get smokes with out the fear ofbreaking down if some schmuck asks if there willl be anything else
what a stupid question -- will there be anythng else ma'am?
how should di respond to that? no thanks i think i got enough of my own and plenty of someone elses also? In fact buddy how about i just go ahead and share with you a little more of what I have, you could probably use it a whole fu k of a lot better than i have
i feel like such a fucking schmuck, a fool played by fools and still on strings dancing on a god damn stage while someone yodels in the back ground
i really really want to go to the hospital asn dcheck in and hide for awhile i know i need to
i havent been eating or taking my meds right - smoking like a fu king chinmey yea thats real good wsehn ya got a heart that is a peiceof fucking mush,, held together wsith steel wires
ilm fu kin crakin up but i am not sure who i should call to go to the hsopital and dont want hubby to feel like its a guilt move either
i know i could get thrlu this
i'm caling my doc just pray for me pray for hubby and my girls please evn if it means yoiu pray i die so i dont suffe;r anymore
bye sammy
i dont remember or know if i have ever been on such an emotional roller coaster so severe as i have been lately -- i believed i had experienced the worst things already i could ever have experienced and even silently thot to myself that i thot i had survived pretty fucking well given the circumstances
yesterday i had the conviction to stop poisoning myself with my meds, and now .... i dont know if i can do it or not do it
it matters not, nothing matters -- i dotn know how to let go of him when i know in my heart he is at his lowest, and that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, even if that means leaving me
i am trying not to be vindictive or hateful, tryiang to be that tuff little bitch cop that i had been for awhile -- but its all gone
a RUSE just as my "coping" had been --
i dotn fu king know how to hang on -- i know i just want my girls around me, i know i just want to be held tightly as i cry and more importantly i want someone to hear my tears to see my body wretchhing filled with the pain from this
i want to be able tyo hide again behind that bullshit of being so tuff and not be reminded of how small and meaningless i am in as just another in a sea of others
i know who is standing gaurd, waiting in line ready to fall out and do duty -- but i a am, a lonley commander of my life
a life i never asked for, but kept tring to do the right thing...
i cant quit, i cant stop and i cant tive up, and that is what i most want to do
but the pain would be for noting then
and there has been far to oomuch pain for it not to amount to something some sort of CHANGE for the betterment
not just of my life, but BECAUSE of my life cuz i never have let the fuckers see me cry and now i cant even g o out ot get smokes with out the fear ofbreaking down if some schmuck asks if there willl be anything else
what a stupid question -- will there be anythng else ma'am?
how should di respond to that? no thanks i think i got enough of my own and plenty of someone elses also? In fact buddy how about i just go ahead and share with you a little more of what I have, you could probably use it a whole fu k of a lot better than i have
i feel like such a fucking schmuck, a fool played by fools and still on strings dancing on a god damn stage while someone yodels in the back ground
i really really want to go to the hospital asn dcheck in and hide for awhile i know i need to
i havent been eating or taking my meds right - smoking like a fu king chinmey yea thats real good wsehn ya got a heart that is a peiceof fucking mush,, held together wsith steel wires
ilm fu kin crakin up but i am not sure who i should call to go to the hsopital and dont want hubby to feel like its a guilt move either
i know i could get thrlu this
i'm caling my doc just pray for me pray for hubby and my girls please evn if it means yoiu pray i die so i dont suffe;r anymore
bye sammy
