I think I'll cheat

I think I'll cheat
A

ABridget

Registrant
No, I could never cheat on my husband. I have better values than that. But I guess I have in a way, I went for coffee with a man Tuesday night. He brought me a gift for Lauren and a book by a philosopher that he likes. I could tell he was super attracted to me, because he was practically shaking.
Do I feel guilty? Not at all. My husband continues to keep secrets from me. He kept his horrible secrets about his horrible family for so long, and now he tells me he has a "death pact secret" with someone and then won't tell me a thing about it.
I married for love. I will never make that mistake again.
I want him to know what it feels like to realize you really don't know your spouse at all. You don't know where they are or who they're with. You don't know what their values really are. You don't understand anything and everything is meaningless.
So no, I could never do anything more than hold hands with or hug another man while I'm married, because I took a vow before God and unlike some people my word is my bond. And at the same time, I'm not willing to be so alone in the world and I have to look out for Lauren. So if I find someone better looking, with more money, who is more intellectual or intelligent, then fine I'll pursue the avenue and see where it goes. I was never a girl to have overlapping boyfriends when I was single, but now I really don't care. I have my little girl to think about like I said and I need support and something positive in my life. I don't even expect to love or fully trust this person because I'll never do that again.
 
I married for love. I will never make that mistake again.
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I understand you are hurt, angry, confused with the crap you are dealing with right now. But please understand love is out there. Not just love but respect.

Take some time for yourself.

James
 
Forget to add this to my post.

I don't even expect to love or fully trust this person because I'll never do that again.
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Your trust has been broken by a covert abuse you are going through. Each and everyone of us on this board either are feeling this way or have felt this way. That there is no way we could ever trust again. Talk to your t about these feelings. Trust is out there.

James
 
So Dan's been on the moral high ground about me "cheating." (morning emails). Then he says he was thinking about telling me the "family secret," but now he really knows he can't trust me.
Well I'm going to cheat my heart out! I've already got 2 dates set up this week. I'm not going to suffer through the holidays all lonely and neglected.
 
Reread your post.......have a question, dont have to answer ofcourse.

You said:
Then he says he was thinking about telling me the "family secret," but now he really knows he can't trust me.
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I was just wondering if he is talking about the things you have already posted about or is there more he's not telling you???
 
thank you for the email, James. You spelled out exactly what's going on. He continues to "bring things into my life I just can't live with."
He promised to keep me informed about interactions with his family members now that trust has been so severely battered. How quickly he breaks his promises! What on earth is wrong with him? Here I'm telling him I'm completely fed up and still he clings to his retarded secrets.
Something that worried me is his little sister told him she's popular because she's really good at keeping secrets. I think she's keeping secrets for her father. I guess sexual abusers are really good at teaching their kids to keep their mouths shut.
I'm gonna rip them apart. Eventually I'll learn the truth, I'm relentless, but I'm not so patient. I'll have to be patient, I know, and I have FAITH because it's been said many ways and by many saints & religions that THE TRUTH SHALL PREVAIL.
 
Yes James, UNBELIEVABLY, there's some new secret he's not telling me. A few weeks ago when I said to him he had to go through with the psychological testing because his father is a child molester, his grandfather is a child molester, and his own behavior toward our daughter has been inappropriate, he said "my grandfather isn't a child molester, where'd you get that?" Well I got it from his lips. He told me himself his grandfather had molested his Aunt Dava. I heard it 5 years ago and put it out of my head, never making the connection that pervs like that are often generational (not educated at all at the time). So the next day he calls me from work and says he called Aunt Dava and she said that though her father abused her emotionally it wasn't sexually, but that she was molested. When I said "Who molested her?" Dan said "I'm not at liberty to say." So of course I think it's probably her brother, Dan's dad.
How can he possibly think it's okay to continue to try to hide the truth from me? I forwarded him part of your message of support to me, because it expressed exactly what I feel. I will let other men in my life now because he is making me sick and I can't go around with sickness and hatred and still be a decent mother.
Am I vindictive? Probably. I want him to know how it feels to not know where your spouse is, what they're doing, who with, what their values are or if they even have any. I am sick of being his victim.
 
Well, you said in a different thread that his t told him quite bluntly "Your in denial". And to be as blunt with you. AS LONG AS HE IS IN DENIAL HE WILL KEEP HIDING/PROTECTING THE PEOPLE WHO ABUSED HIM!!!! He doesnt understand what his father did to him is abuse, and it sounds as if he doesnt understand the worry's you have are 100% laget (spelling?). You have every right to worry about your daughter, you have every right to know you and her are going to be safe: Not only from the people who abused him but from him as well. As I told you in the other thread, it doesnt matter if the t said he is not a danger to your daughter. Trust your gut on this one. The T's we have here will tell you Im sure, they are not perfict...the test they give do not have a 100% succes rate at judgeing the risk. Your hubby sounds like he's a fairly smart man, it's not to hard to give the "right" answers when you know you have too.

As I said, take care of yourself.....by doing that you will be better able to take care of your daughter.

James
 
Thank you James, he is smart. I have a 142 IQ and I'm also a little psychic so the fact he's hidden so much from me for so long shows he's good at using his brain to deceive. I am balling right now. I just got off the phone with him, I finally got him to tell me after trying to beat it out of him for an hour and a half who abused his Aunt. IT WAS HIS FATHER. His father is 15 years older than Dava. She was a toddler, 3 and 4 years old. Oh God! Sarah! don't we have to call child protective services? His daughter is 12 now. He's probably been abusing her all her life. I feel so useless. I met her 5 years ago and thought she was disturbed. Why couldn't I have saved her then? What is wrong with me? Why don't we see the signs? I'll never forgive myself that when I was 12 my 12 year old cousin who was practically a sister to me told me her step dad was taking pictures of her and telling her to "Think sexy thoughts." I said "Ew, that's gross." but never told anyone. Of course it turned out he abused her. I'll never forgive myself! I'm an adult, why didn't I ask more questions, why? Why didn't the therapist tell us what to do about little Sarah? How do I know those tests mean anything? Daniel is really sharp, he could have just been giving the "right" answers. Though one big one he got wrong - "Were you ever touched sexually by an adult as a child" or something like that and he answered NO. Unbelievably, he said he thought about it and it like slipped his mind that he had. Of course the T caught this and reminded him what his dad did when he was 13. This ability human beings have to deny reality is really incredible. It must be a basic survival mechanism, but the trouble it causes almost doesn't seem worth it.
Holy mess of a mess. Thank you so much for supporting me on Christmas Eve, of all times. Your words give me so much to hang on to and to think about. What will I do? I feel like I still have to get Danny to take a polygraph, or have the computer forensically examined to find out the true nature of his relationship with his dad. I haven't bothered to tell the story of the "circumstantial evidence" I've had about his dad all this time, because it has been just that - circumstantial. But I will post later about his lifestyle and how it appears to be all about pedophilia (in my mind anyway). Husband just came home. Thank you again, you don't know how much I depend on you guys for support and some idea of what to do with my brain when it feels like it could explode.
Audrey (forlauren originally)
 
Audrey
It's late here, actually it's Christmas morning and I should be in bed by now, but I had to reply.

Remember one thing above all else - you can't do his healing, nor can you make hime disclose.
What you can do though is make him feel safe enough to disclose.
How you do that is down to you, you're the person that probably knows him best of all - the most likely person he'll eventually spill his heart out to.

It's a painful process for us, I couldn't possibly have told everything in one go. I needed to think about each small incident that I remembered of nearly 5 years of abuse.

And please don't blame yourself for not realising that abuse was going on or had happened.
Abusers are very clever and scheming people, they might be evil, but NEVER take them for stupid.

Take care.
Dave
 
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