i think i must be honest - a big reality may be the kicker

[markgreyblue]

my abuse broke my

self - in some ways -

and i have spent my days trying to understand what it is that it is

that we are and think and how to self protect

how to exist - in a world where this something

belief - significance -

self -

-splinters -

i know i am me -

i need - have needed a facilatator to be

me -

it has been very hard going to know what i want

and not fear the moment i peak my head above

the clenched jaw armor -

that my self would be ripped away -

so many times-

all i can say is i am who i am now -

and this is perhaps

the me i was always -

just more so ??

i am nervously ready to be with someone

and i think -

that this is a good thing

wish me luck

and if you know of a special man in TO

who you would like me to know -

it would be so welcome and nice

to hear that -

m

 

[markgreyblue]

isn't it odd now that i have memories of halloween

that at the time of costumes -

i felt most vulnerable - most

like i do now

about to be beaten up -

like my brother told his friends to do - the two of them - they were three years older

and had no compunction -

 

[markgreyblue]

fuck em -

i think the more of it is

that halloween was such a clear self expression time -

to be 'out' so to speak in a really

personal fantasy -

it is scary to be oneself

one's real self - for all the world to see

the fantasy inside turned inside out -

i think that is it -

mgb

 

[markgreyblue]

holy shit -

i was a ghost that year -

with rainbow under eyes

HHAHAHAH

I was soOoooo GAYYY!!!!

not dark circles -

I WAS SHOUTING THE RAINBOWWW!

 

[markgreyblue]

that was 1976 Miss Melton's class -

i was 8 years old!

such a precocious little gay boy!

((( i love mgb))))

hehehe

!
M