I think I might be done

[journey4two]

Not really looking to explain... you all know. After so much work and pain we finally reached the top of the mountain. We have been trudging up that mountain for years. Finally I had a secure connection with the love of my life and he with me. The pain of his past same sex affairs was in the rearview mirror and we were looking ahead with an excitement, intimacy and sense of "married for life couple" we had never experienced before. And then he, seemingly out of the blue, he turned off his cell phone and walked into a gay bar. He did not walk home alone that night. He traded it all for a night of same sex kissing, masturbating, oral sex and cuddling. I found out the next day. I go to the side of my brain that understands that he has an "issue"...but I just don't know that I have another recovery in me. For 15 years we have struggled together. Year number 16 felt like a victory lap. I am absolutely devastated. He destroyed everything we had worked for with one self-centered act. He says he is sorry. He has sought more counseling...adding another therapist... he is trying, he's been trying... but I just don't know that I can get back up. I don't want to live without him... this 16th year has seemed like a honeymoon... but I hurt so deeply. I am trying to get back on the road to recovery with him, ever faithful cheerleader that I am... but I am so angry. I don't want to kick him when he is down...but I am so angry, hurt and devastated. I am posting this here, because I am scared of it... scared to say it out loud. I am trying it out here.. I think I might be done. I THINK I MIGHT BE DONE.. and I just want to curl into a ball and cry until I die.. I am so scared to go on without him... and so scared of the pain he can cause me. Am I done? Am I done? Is this really over? (these are questions to myself)

 

[Mishka95673]

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[bey]

Im not a family or friend per say, but I'll throw my two cents in anyways.

If it was me and my partner was struggling so much with infidelity, I would have to do one of two things. 1) change my expectations of what our marriage will look like, whether its both of us holding monogamy as ideal and accepting slip ups as accidents or by making it a more open marriage, or 2) leaving.
My husband and I chose the first option and our marriage is leagues better than it was. But we were both 100% good with that.

Telling him that he destroyed everything with that one act is a crazy burden to bear. What about all those days where he remained faithful. Maybe he struggled those days but managed to do what he knew was best for the marriage. They arent erased by that one slip. All those other days still happened. All your hard work together was still hard work.

Maybe its not my place to say it, but it breaks my heart to see people think that years and years of work and love and relationship is erased by one action.
If your husband spent the last years balancing on the top of a pole, day after day, night after night, weeks and months and years balancing there, never falling even when it was storming or he was tired, and then years into it he stumbled and fell, you wouldnt suddenly say 'you are rubbish at standing on poles". Don't discount how hard he has worked every other day. Sometimes things just get so heavy you cant balance anymore, no matter how strong you are, no matter how much you want to.

There is nothing wrong with being unable to accept infidelity. Nothing wrong with being done. If you cant accept slip ups, thats totally cool. That is your lookout and im sure you know what you can accept. But dont forget about every night he didn't go home with someone else. Those are important too.

Anyways, just my thoughts as an addict who struggles with stuff too.

 

[journey4two]

Thank you both so much. We are separated by distance right now because of commitments we made when we were feeling confident (work, family, etc). I am strong and more than willing to continue by day, but those wee hours of the night feel like torture. The comments so far have been received...and thanks.

 

[Going forward]

I am sorry for what you are going through. May I ask how you found out about this recent infidelity? Was it him telling you or did you find out in your own? I think that lack of trust and dishonesty is very difficult to live with (actually almost impossible). From a logical standpoint I would want to say I would be done if my spouse were to have sex with another man (however I have come to learn he had done this countless times during our 30 year marriage ); but from an emotional standpoint I'm not sure what I would do.
Please know that I also understand that the pain you feel increases when night comes.
Try to take it one hour at a time.

 

[Mishka95673]

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