I think I have needed this for a long time.

I think I have needed this for a long time.
T

tbar

Registrant
I just registered. I am currenty seperated and have been for 2 1/2yrs. probably divorcing soon. I was in a emotionally abusive marriage. I was molested for a couple of years by my alcoholic Moms on/off again boy friend at around the ages of 4 & 5. Never dicussed it with anyone. Not even my Mom when she did find out and threw him out. Im 44 now and talked to my sister (20 yrs older) about it for the first time a few weeks ago. She always knew but didn't know how or if she should bring it up. Same for my older brother.
This is how sick my mother was. My sister told me she went to court to get my abuser off when his ex gilfriend charged him with molseting her son. She said she had two sons and he never did anything like that to them even through she probably had not known him for a year yet.
I relate to a lot of things I have seen on here so far. My mother was a real bad alcoholic so I got that abandoment issue thing. She killed her friend in a single car accident and me too, almost, when I was 2. The guilt of that I think kept her drunk most of the time. Dad was alcoholic too and died when I was 6 months old. I always had the guilt/shame, feeling different, inadqueate, shy,insecure, & lack of trust. Got drunk at 14 and found the answer. I medicated with alcohol for about 14 years. After 10 years in the Navy I realized for numerous reasons that I better not drink anymore. I was in AA a few years before after my 2nd DUI but was not ready for it after the trouble past. This time I was ready to go to any length to never drink again. I guess it has worked cause now 16 years later I still have not had a drink. After getting married at three years sober and and being transferred a year later I stopped going to AA. I thought church was all I needed. The arguments, control, yelling, throwing things commenced In my intimate relationship.I was in denial, Rationalizing, Minimizing, blaming her for being too senstive. After our seperation I thought it was just in a dry drunk but now understand that I have issues form childhood never delt with. i never thought the sexual abuse was that big of an issue but it did happen at an early age when the foundation of my core self was being formed. The lack of emotional nurturing and never having a decent model of appropite interpersonal relationships kind of sux. I tried to make everything look normal. I did my laundry got myself off to school. I did my best. As a older teenager I think some of my friends thought I was gay. A few girls wanted to have sex with me but I was emotionally incapable. That's all for now.
 
Tbar
Welcome and glad you finally registered, and sad you needed to. What a story you have. While it is all yours, it bears many similarities to the events other guys on here experienced. There are some great guys on here who will hear you, affirm you, and help you in many ways. You aren't alone. I too, was five when abused. I don't remember myself before the abuse and that idea of the core of my personality was warped because of it. We all compensate to survive.
Well to the healing journey.
love
Paul
 
Tbar,

Welcomne to Male Survivor. It's a big step registering and making that first post! You have done very well to say so much.

I'm so sorry to read what you have gone through, but it's good you took the decision to come to MS. You will quickly see that you will be believed, supported and understood here.

On functioning sexually as a teenager, wow, you are speaking my language. I remember having my first opportunity for sex when I was 16, but backing off simply because my head was filling with images of the abuse and I was afraid I was becoming "like him".

Again, welcome, and I look forward to hearing more from you. But just set your own pace and participate as and when you feel comfortable.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks for responding Paul and Roadrunner,
I was a little bummed last night when no one responded. Woke up this morning and booted the computer up before making coffee and getting in the shower. Very pleased to read your response.
I was seeing a T for about a year and half mostly for my emotional abuse issues with my wife after our seperation.(Control, anger, selfishness) He said he could not help me with my CSA issues. I saw another T for that for about 5 or 6 visits and she said I would be okay if I just keep going to AA. Seemed like she felt that if I tried to dell into it deeper I would become the perpetual victim. That is something that concerns me.
Is a plan of action available for healing. Give me a list of things to do, I can do that. I sense it is different with each person. Mostly just talking about it (were as sick as our secerts). And reading about others issues and offering support and encouregment. Being a recoving alcoholic, adult child of an alcoholic, sexual abuse survivor, I have a host of issues/ charater defects. Not really sure which are from what, some are commom to all.
I feel at times I am blessed that I was able to retire from the Navy and have a decent job as a Mailman. I know our prisons or full of men who had came from similar backgrounds as mine. I have a strong faith that has matured as a result of my seperation and coming out of denial. I must end for know, my wife is bringing our son over for the night. Thanks again.
 
Tbar
W0w. You have hit some bad T's along the way. Be sure to check out the list of therapists at the top of the page under "Resources". Find a therapist will drop down. My first T was a disaster - told me I was secretly gay and told me that I was blowing it all out of proportion. Well, I ran from him and found one on here who is 45 mins away. The difference is astounding. this T is kind, supportive, understanding and helps me put things together that make so much sense. There is a plan of action for healing, but talking and working it out seems to be the most common. I think you definitely need an experienced T.
I remember my first couple of visits to my T. I asked him for homework. He very kindly urged me to be kind to myself. That was it. Most of us have acted out somehow - sex, drugs, you name it -and there is often a lot of shame and guilt and isolation in it all. He wanted me to start forgiving myself. Remember none of this was your fault. I couldn't believe the memories that came back after sludging around after a while. It was like I had stirred the pot and the crap started floating to the top. Take care of yourself. Keep posting.
Paul
 
tbar,

Welcome, glad you found us. You'll be believed and supported here.

Yeah, the discussion board was unusually slow last night. Everyone must have gone to bed early or was out on the town cuz nothing much was happening here! That's a bit unusual for a Friday evening.

I don't know about a specific plan of action because each person is different, but healing form this thing called sexual abuse is possible if one is willing to do the hard work, learn how he got broken and what to do to begin to fix that brokenness. Talking about it in a safe place is one of the most important things you can do. I think safe place means a place such as this, perhaps a abuse support group, or group therapy for victims of abuse.

It is also very important to have a therapist who is experienced in working with SA survivors. Of course sometimes you have to go through a few before you find one that fits your needs. There is a resource under one of the links at the top of the page on choosing a therapist and may even have a recommended therapist in your area. Give it a look over.

Again, Welcome, and good wishes for you on this journey.

Lots of love,

John
 
tbar,

Like the others I'm sorry you had bad experiences with therapists so far. The truth of the matter is that some are just not qualified to deal with CSA issues. I can tell you that once you get one who knows what he/she's talking about it makes all the difference in the world. I hope you don't give up.

You ask if there's a plan of action for healing. I would say yes, but we are all different and have different issues; what works for me might not be so helpful for you. Speaking generally, I would say it's crucial to be honest with yourself and with your T, to talk about things and get the issues out in the open, and to try to work in the present rather than lamenting the past. We all have to grieve and come to terms with what happened to us, but the problem is that we can't change the past. In order to recovery we have to stay in the present and look at how we feel about things right now. It's our attitudes and bad feelings about ourselves that we have to change.

Much love,
Larry
 
Therapists are people with a certain type of qualification!

If they haven't experienced what we have, they can never understand fully! They can empathise, they can also direct thoughts. Ultimately, we must heal ourselves (with suppport)!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Tbar,

what a post. amazing when we come in from the cold and let go. Could all be written by any one of us. You are not alone, seriously. And I hear so much of the self-blame still, which makes sense, but understand, as you will, that the SA is to blame for most of the pain and confusion and "character defects" you're concerned about. And so the upside is you can fix it.

The advice here is spot on. Find a good T. Keep going until that's working. extremely important. And keep talking; to yourself, to us, just keep expressing all of it. I'm seperating from my wife of 15 years. Tonight. telling my son in an hour or so. And I love her and him to death. I don't totally blame myself and my SA for this rupture (as you musn't) - but I'm very aware of what part it played in my half of the problem. And it's not a fun cross to bear. But there it is. And as hard as it is, it's not hell. It's hard, but I'm healing and moving forward and there's a lot of hope and exhileration and self-love. And that's taken a boat-load of work. And you're doing it . So welcome. And keep going. You've already taken the most difficult steps, believe me. Getting out of your head and out into the open.

love,

Alex
 
Thanks guys it's awsome getting all the feedback! I was off today and made some phone calls. I was trying to find some type of group therapy around here. Not much luck. I don't know, but I don't feel like going to a one on one T unless I know he or I guess she is the real deal. The only one listed for Va. on the resorces link is in Northren Va and I am in the southeastren part of the state. I did e-mail him to see if he could recommand someone around here. No response yet. I know someone from an AA meeeting who was seeing one for our issue, I will get in contact with him soon.
I did find out about ASI. Adult Survivors of Incest. Has anyone had a dealings with them? They consider Incest as anyone who abused you that was known to you like teachers, family friends, etc. It's a support group like AA, I like how they adapted the 12 steps. They encourage therapy while taking part in the program. I e-mailed them also. I would like to check it out if they have a meeting around here. It's about 11:30pm need to get to bed.
One intresting note. I have been having a hard time at my job. I am a mailman and have been at the same post office for over 5 years since I started with the USPS. I like my route but have been under a lot of pressure, the more you can do the more they put on you. we are undermanned and it is rare when I don't have to prepare another route or carry an hour or so from another route. I only get letters of repermend only after a holiday when just about everyone gets one. They are so anal and don't see the reality of the situation. About a week ago I was told I could only go to 7-11 for lunch for now on. I was not authorized to drive the extra 1/2 mile to Subway, Burker King, Poppie's etc. Anyway today I submitted a bid to move to another station. It will be a longer commute I was only a mile and half away from my present station. It is taking control and a courage issue with me. I put up with it for so long because of that fear of change thing. I'm sure the new station will have issues too but hopefully nothing to bad to deal with. I hope no one with more senority bids on the route too. I will know next week if I get it.
Tom
 
Tom,

I don't know, but I don't feel like going to a one on one T unless I know he or I guess she is the real deal.
Click to expand...
Preferences in therapy are very personal I guess. Some guys just prefer group T while others want something more private. It really is up to you: go for whatever you feel comfortable with.

I just want to comment that if you did see a T one-on-one, he/she would not expect you to begin talking about very personal or embarrassing things all at once. The T will know that the first task is to gain your trust; without that no progress is possible. I have seen four Ts at various stages in my recovery and maybe I'm just lucky, but all were very careful to make me feel comfortable and safe with them. As you say, we have to know they're the real deal, and they understand this issue.

Sorry to hear you're having difficulties at work, but I hope you get that new route and perhaps things will improve there. That said, I find that in my own line of work the problems these days seem to be everywhere, all caused by the same things: understaffing, underfunding, and so forth.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hello y'all. i just registered myself. I'm a 45 yo old survivor of clery sexual abuse. Currently I am being deposed as I am suing them.

Usually I do not deal with this stuff. For better or worse, it is just my way. But since they are deposing me, I am also forced to look at abuse that happened a year before the prist got me. That abuse is more difficult because A: I did not fight back and B: I went back for more. The basic thing was this, the abuser performed oral sex on me in exchange for time flying his small aircraft. This happened 10 to 12 times.

The attorneys deposing me want to talk all about it. I will do what I have to do, but I have to admit it is stressful, and I feel rather unhinged. I felt I should "talk" about it somewhere.

I do not blame myself, at least not intellectually. I was 15, I think that says it all really. To cope, I just ask myself how I would feel about a 15 year old in my shoes. Would I judge him? Blame him? No, of course not. Still, it is painful to look at, and they are forcing me to look.

I was very conflicted about it all at the time, and when a priest raped me in my sleep at 16 I nearly went off on him. I got the hell out of there and went to the cops. I had learned the hard way. The church never said sorry, never offered help, nothing. Some church. Now they are raking me over the coals again. It is disturbing.

It has taken me alot to get where I don't kick myself for what happened. 6 DUIs, a horrible job history and a life that has been pretty much wasted. I hope you young guys out there go get help before life passes you by. You've already suffered enough and you are not at fault. I wish I had figured that out earlier.

The 16 year old kid inside me no longer kicks my ass. He says it's ok man, we have to move on, and we have to do what we have to do.

I have a beuatiful wife and a seven year old girl who have hepled me a lot. They don't blame either, I guess they also helped me learn not to blame me.

It's just this goddamned deposition, the re-living of it all. How I want to put it all behind me. But the church has to be held accountable. I am not sure how to handle the other incidents. Anyway, thanks for the digital space and a place to write about this awful stuff.
 
AZ,

Welcome to the Male Survivor site. I hope it will help you cope with this deposition and some of the other issues you will face in this legal battle. It think it will also be a great resource for your recovery in general.

I can understand your hesitation to get started here; I think we all went through that stage. Just get used to the place and stay comfortable. You will soon see you are very welcome here and everyone here will support and understand you.

And sure, don't blame the 15 and 16-year-old kid you were back then. He was betrayed by someone he should have been able to trust. It wasn't his fault. As you will see here a lot, it can NEVER be the child's fault.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry.

The church is pushing for making the depositions public, in an attempt to intimidate us. They are mistaken if they think it will, but that does not mean it is easy.

I post on a web site for survivors of clergy abuse, where I recently posted about this. All I heard back was silence. That was kind of tough, as I was looking for support. Maybe no one saw it, but I doubt that. It is nice to hear from someone supportive.

I am working on internalizing the fact that it was not my fault, even though I did not fight back and went back to get abused some more. The kid inside me does not blame me, and the 45 year old man that I am does not blame me. I wonder what part of me it is that is having difficulty with it?

In any case, I feel what I have to do now is to keep facing this thing despite any negative reactions. Stare it down so to speak, until the fear goes away.
 
AZ,

First, have you read this excellent post from Nobbynobs? It's on what reporting to the police is all about. Here's the link: https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=007397;p=1#000000

On your question of why you still have difficulty with the guilt for the abuse, I think you provide your own answer:

I am working on internalizing the fact that it was not my fault, even though I did not fight back and went back to get abused some more.
Click to expand...
What you need to work on is the fact that you didn't go back "to get abused some more", you went back because you had been skillfully groomed.

Abusers hone their skills razor-sharp on this one. If they want to abuse the boy over and over again, and if they want him to remain quiet about it, they know they have to make him think he's "in on it". They will comment if the boy gets erections and crow if he ejaculates, they will talk about what "we" are doing, and they will even ask "do you really want me to?", knowing in advance that the boy is an emotional mess and will say yes.

There is a huge burden of shame for the boy in all this, and it cannot easily be offloaded in adulthood after the boy has carried it around for years.

Let me ask you something here. You say you "know" you were not to blame. Good! But do you believe that yet? Do you have confidence in that fact in your heart? And do you trust it yet? Have you been able to take your innocence and defenselessness as a child and TURN it into a block you can use to rebuild your life?

Knowing, believing and trusting are different things and belong to different stages in our recovery. Your problem may come down to the fact that you are just expecting too much of yourself too soon.

These positive stages come slowly, but they do come. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and try to appreciate the good work you are doing and let the rest come at its own pace. We often tell others that they cannot hurry our recovery, but we have to bear in mind that we cannot do that either.

Much love,
Larry
 
Your words hit home Larry. The truth is I am only facing this because I am too stuborn to allow it to be used against me. The difference between intelleculizing and trusting is a large gulf, but i have to say that since I went public about this, letters such as yours have been a huge help and, while I may not be all the way to completely trusting it yet, I am a lot farther than down that road than I was 3 days ago. Thank you.
 
AZ,

I'm glad you can see such rapid progress, but I think you need to hear that three days is a VERY short time span where recovery is concerned. Please try not to push yourself too hard. It won't hasten your recovery and it could lead you into new pain and trauma. Give yourself time; you need that to process what you are learning and consolidate your gains.

Much love,
Larry
 
AZ - you post on a site for clergy abuse, and all you hear back is silence!

Is it a site that is genuinely concerned about the survivors of abuse, or is it a site that gathers information to defend the church? *they don't respond to your complaints!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
I need to warn you all that the lawyers for the San Diego diocese DO come in here and read the posts.

A lawyer for bishop Brom of San Diego informed me while I was being deposed by him that he had read my posts, both here and at another site. So be advised that they DO come in here. If you have a case pending, they may well try to intimidate you by showing you your posts from web sites of this nature. Sad but true.

It did not have the desired effect however, this seemingly desperate attempt to intimidate me only made me angry and more determined than ever before to hold bishop Brom and the diocese of S.D. accountable for what happened.
 
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