I Stay so Angry all the Time but Never Show IT

I Stay so Angry all the Time but Never Show IT
jperky010101

jperky010101

Hello Community,

One of the biggest issues that I deal with is that I constantly stay angry, almost to the point of enraged but I never show it. I have a job with quite a bit of responsibility piled up on me and can't be exploding on people at work over it. Plus, it goes against my very nature, one would not think if they looked at my record with me volunteering for the Special Forces I was a peace loving guy. The main reason I did that when I graduated from college is because I have a hard time telling people no, and especially then I did. I am by nature at my baseline very gentle and easygoing. This underlying anger I carry with me everywhere, is like some kind of proverbial ball and chain that I just can't seem to get rid of. My Psychiatric team is working on it, it is my hope in time I can let some of this go and just be me. I cannot say now that there are some individuals that I may not always hate, considering all they took from me, over all that time. I hope not, don't want to live the rest of my life full of hatred and anger. Perhaps, the dynamic duo, and sheer fury of psychoanalytic power I had to wait over a year just to get their schedule will be able to help eventually. It is just very frustrating to have lived all this time in this fashion, and I don't believe it has to be that way. I just don't know how to get where I want to as of yet. I have a PhD level education and a very logical mind, but you cannot think yourself out of something like this, I have tried.

Respectfully.
jperky010101
 
jperky010101 said:
Hello Community,

One of the biggest issues that I deal with is that I constantly stay angry, almost to the point of enraged but I never show it. I have a job with quite a bit of responsibility piled up on me and can't be exploding on people at work over it. Plus, it goes against my very nature, one would not think if they looked at my record with me volunteering for the Special Forces I was a peace loving guy. The main reason I did that when I graduated from college is because I have a hard time telling people no, and especially then I did. I am by nature at my baseline very gentle and easygoing. This underlying anger I carry with me everywhere, is like some kind of proverbial ball and chain that I just can't seem to get rid of. My Psychiatric team is working on it, it is my hope in time I can let some of this go and just be me. I cannot say now that there are some individuals that I may not always hate, considering all they took from me, over all that time. I hope not, don't want to live the rest of my life full of hatred and anger. Perhaps, the dynamic duo, and sheer fury of psychoanalytic power I had to wait over a year just to get their schedule will be able to help eventually. It is just very frustrating to have lived all this time in this fashion, and I don't believe it has to be that way. I just don't know how to get where I want to as of yet. I have a PhD level education and a very logical mind, but you cannot think yourself out of something like this, I have tried.

Respectfully.
jperky010101
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Hello welcome to ms

Im very logical in my thinking. But emotions are the least logical thing I think . so I find them hard, they overwhelm me sometimes.
I wasn't taught effective ways to manage my emotions and my degree is no help neither aside from the fact I can afford my therapy . What I have found helpful is examining emotions right back at basics and inputting coping strategies that are far more healthier.

I carry alot of anger internally, one of my perps in particular I feel anger towards alot of anger
It's easy to misdirect anger and it's not nice to carry especially when all you want is to be peaceful and have calm emotions in my case that's what I want and strive for

I hope ms helps you like it has me
Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
 
You may have PTSD from the abuse (most of us do) - perhaps finding a therapist training in Trauma therapy (like EMDR, etc.) would help.
 
This is just a thought--sometimes being a logical, scientific mind doesn't allow one any emotion. As others have said, emotions can be overwhelming and feelings as well even as love, hope, and anger as you said. If one is free with their feelings and emotions, they can express them and move on. We (at least me) can't do that. I have gotten better as I have gotten older, but I still struggle. It's like a dam. If you pull a plug, the whole thing will open up and flood the river. And maybe the riverbed was dry. I had to learn (and learning) that I'm not going to DIE if I express an emotion like anger (although I have some now and people look at me like I am CRAZY). I think for me some of mine today is simply unexpressed, deep-seated anger and anger from the past year. But expressing emotions won't kill you. They will give you some relief.
 
I was surprised at how much anger I carry. I too seemed a mild mannered fellow but then I was always an aggressive driver and I could become impatient with what I interpreted as incompetence. I had everything in order... why couldn't she or he? Then I began to see more deeply into how I was navigating through life and saw that I needed everything in order because internally there was so much chaos... the residue of trauma. Low and behold, as I began exploring my past I found terror and shame and rage and grief.

Doubtless you're carrying a great deal of baggage from the trauma you experienced and like all of us you found a way to manage those feelings so they wouldn't overwhelm you. I used my mind... a good mind... to understand things. I too got a graduate degree. I'm smart and could solve other people's problems. I looked good and was rewarded for it. But inside I was still frightened and angry. My life was a hell realm.

You're asking important questions and this is a wonderful place to do that. That you've come to THIS website tells me that sexual trauma lies beneath these feelings and that you're unpacking that painful material right here, right now. That is what we're all doing here. Be gentle with yourself. You are NOT a problem to solve... you're a person worthy of compassion and care. There is no need to FIX you as some might be inclined to do. This is about understanding and kindness. Glad you're sharing your journey with all of us. We do that for one another.
 
I’m angry about the bullying and sexual assaults I went through and I found that talking about it to my therapist helps. I also wrote angry letters to the principals of the junior and senior high schools that basically allowed it all to happen and chose not to help me. It may or may not help you but I suggest you try it.
 
Hi jerky

Anger has held me back for many years, it is not really anger it is a rage that I fly into, then only recourse I have is to flee. It is one of the reasons I isolate. I have no control over it, at least it is just my mouth and mind out of control. I used to fight what ever it was but have found it better to flee and try to get hold of myself, than to fight and get all messed up.

I can only think of one occasion that I didn't flee and was able to turn things around. I was talking to a guy in the park and the conversation got on to something that started to trigger me. My voice was elevated and my language was in the gutter, The guy had presents of mind to change the conversation back to a good one we were having and it turn the trigger on its head. Through all of that I was able to see how I go from ok to a raging out of control person so quickly for the first time. I am hoping to build on that some how, I think the only reason it turned around is that someone noticed and had the ability to help me.

Rage has been with me most of my life. I was sent to a child Psychologist at 11 for acting out and fighting. It has cost me a lot over the years. I had a good reputation as a worker but I was also known to be someone that could fly into a rage in a heartbeat and could be dangerous if you were on the wrong side of my rage. I quit jobs where I was making a lot of money because of rage. I think it has cost me dearly over the decades. I don't bring it up in therapy or with my Psychiatrist as I don't want them to think I am a danger to others or myself and give them a reason to lock me in care.

Thanks for sharing
 
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