i remember my first - what i thought was 'love'

i remember my first - what i thought was 'love'
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
i said this earlier - i didn't pursue sex until i was 35 -

but i was pursued before then - and only had encounters - when that ocurred -

i had my first - 'boy friend' experience at 19 -

it was over a summer break from university -

i was called by a production designer i had worked with the previous summer in charleston south carolina -

he said - (he was from brooklyn) he was working on a film at the SilverCup studios - and would i like as summer job? (summer of 1989)

I dormed at NYU at one of the dorms on Washington Square - and met up with there - kids of a Frnech film Director I knew from home -

the roommate of Alexandre was Todd - OMG

a lovely guy from Wyoming - but I'd never let on that he was cute - I saw him perk up
and then the rest was history -

i was very focused on study of art - work and painting - and he came around - hung around -

said 'let's do stuff'

and we did - we had a similar fondness for art -

his was craft art -

and he taught me - wild -

one rainy day - we came back to the dorm - soaking!!!! -

i put on a tape someone gave me -

it was like bellydancing disco

we both cracked up and went bonkers -

things calmed and then we talked on the bed

I had never kissed a man before -

and so I asked pretty nervously -

and that was that.

I never felt this way before.

but - then the film went south -

i had money and went to Paris for the Bicentennial

and the fucker cheated with the daughter of the film director - and so was a two timing son of bitch -

laugh as you might -

the night i found out -

i went home early from dinner - stunned and tearful -

i went to bed - and stopped breathing gasping
several times - during the night - :(

so frightened that i was dying -

---

it was pretty awful -

---

i was not healthy then

- odd ideas -

---------------------

relationships -

--------------------

today i learned so much

i think clarity is the best idea -

and someone who obfuscates - or isn't clear -

is inconsistent - truly is trying to confuse you to hook you
in -

to pursuade -

sometimes charmers are charming -

sometimes they just think they are.

and maybe some day -

on a clear day - take a look around you

and you'll see who you are!

wouldn't it be great to wake up - be ok with your life -

and be happy with the romance of your life -

and know - this one - won't hurt you -

and life

will be so simple - and silly -

and just fluffy - and sun streaming.
 
I don't ever expect to see that day Mark. I think what you're describing is another way of saying "happiness". I don't believe in finding happiness as a goal in itself, it like chasing the end of a rainbow, you think it's there in front of you, all you have to do is reach for it. But it's never really there, it never really was.

I don't ever ever ever expect to be fullfilled by finding that "right person". (I'm talking romance-wise). BUT I do see myself being happy by making a difference in other people's lives, and by being of service to them, be it charity or volunteer work, etc.

I just need to get my own shit together before I can mentor or be an example to other people.
 
that's really an inspirational though Hauser.

Thanks.

Mgb
 
I suppose the end of it was written - with

that sense of non realistic quality to it -

I mean - if life were just so simple -

but it's true - maybe we are just

meant for moments
 
I guess the question is -
what is a relationship anyway -?

someone you just like being with

and can pragmatically and viably

share living with.
 
and I guess in some way -

Hauser - your fantasy will be fulfilled if you are determined for that to be -

mine will too - if I keep at it -

both are valid - i suppose -

i will love again

darn... I am a fool for love :)
 
My first big crush was in 10th grade, he was in 9th grade, we were in band. He was quiet, shy, smart, friendly. I would get all gooney everytime I saw him, I'd swoon with emotion, but I acted cool around him, I thought. I spent the school year getting to know him, becoming friends. I didn't let on how much I really liked him, I thought he was the greatest guy, I'd daydream about us being together.
Over the summer I'd sleep over at his house, I'd ignore his talking about girls at school, I'd ignore anything that didn't fit with my image of him. In the fall he went on his first date, and started going out with this girl. He'd ask me for advice, tell me all the details. I acted cool, but inside it was tearing me apart. I had no one to tell which made it tougher I think. I think later on he knew I had some feelings for him but didn't want to talk about it.
Eventually I got over my crush, and I saw that I'd only been seeing what I wanted to see in him. It wasn't love but infatuation.
He's a doctor now, a republican, married, 3 kids. I haven't seen him in 20 years
 
I just wanted to say something that I remembered

- and now as an adult looking back

i see the brilliance of this time - in some ways

now my emotions caught up to it - an adult perspective

i want to mention something regarding sex-

---

i am able to think about yes - what i like - in a relationship -

and now what i like sexually -

i think the best part of sex with this person

is that - we both - instinctively were very interested in making each other happy and

the pleasure of getting each other to that -

was uninhibited - and given -

---

but i think now - i know what i like -

it is not just about my own satisfaction -

but - that i know what i like too

and the great part about sex -

is knowing what 'he' will like too


like we both have that -- in mind

sex for sex - yeah it's ok - it's a need -

but the part of really being with someone

who you know - and want to be happy -

is great -

when you're both like exhausted after words

go to breakfast kind of just quiet

tired

and then standing next to the newstand close

and holding hands a litle

and kissing.
 
i said this -
because -

at the original time -
of this first relationship

i had been always pursued -

up till age 35 - i had never initiated -

- i'd always been work focused-

now that i am ok with myself

i can look back and appreciate that "first bf" .

and look forward to being with a man whom i feel

a lot for in a much more partnered way.
 
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