I regret every single same sex encounter I've ever had
I regret them bc each was rooted in the same sex CSA that I suffered. I was a 13 year old, lost, alone and adrift and needing attention and an older male gave it to me through sexual touch. It screwed me up big time. It was too big of a secret for a 13 year old to process and it was confusing bc I thought I must have been looking for that but I wasn't. I was looking for emotional connection, a need to be seen and valued and so my 13 year old brain took that abuse and made it fit what I was looking for - connection and a need to be valued. And each time I acted out sexually with men, I was seeking to make that (false) connection. But it was never enough bc it wasn't really meeting the need. It was temporarily masking it, medicating it.
And now I'm dealing with those unmet needs and I can bc I've put down the sexual acting out and I am working on finding appropriate (for me) sexual partnering and finding the rightful place for my sexual energy. It is being restored even after being misdirected. I am working on the shame of what was done to me and the shame of how I reacted and I am moving on to stop blaming myself for how I coped. It doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the losses from how I coped (and there are many) but I don't want to keep blaming myself for handling a situation that no 13 year old boy should be handling on his own. I was just very good about keeping up appearances that all was okay, that I didn't need anyone or anything, etc, but if anyone was really paying attention to me, they would have seen how desperately I needed attention and help.
Edit: maybe it is not even the same sex part that is the most regretful part of it. Maybe it's that every sexual encounter after the CSA was rooted in the CSA. I feel like I'm really breaking the chain right now and need to separate the past from the present and this is part of that. I want to go forward not living the same life that I've lived up to this point.
And now I'm dealing with those unmet needs and I can bc I've put down the sexual acting out and I am working on finding appropriate (for me) sexual partnering and finding the rightful place for my sexual energy. It is being restored even after being misdirected. I am working on the shame of what was done to me and the shame of how I reacted and I am moving on to stop blaming myself for how I coped. It doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the losses from how I coped (and there are many) but I don't want to keep blaming myself for handling a situation that no 13 year old boy should be handling on his own. I was just very good about keeping up appearances that all was okay, that I didn't need anyone or anything, etc, but if anyone was really paying attention to me, they would have seen how desperately I needed attention and help.
Edit: maybe it is not even the same sex part that is the most regretful part of it. Maybe it's that every sexual encounter after the CSA was rooted in the CSA. I feel like I'm really breaking the chain right now and need to separate the past from the present and this is part of that. I want to go forward not living the same life that I've lived up to this point.
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