I really feel like a jerk....

[soccer]

Hey.. last night the BF told me about the progress about his case against his perp.. he's had to go back into his past and dig up witnesses, one of which is his ex girlfriend. I felt really awful and started crying (not in front of him) when he told me this (I made up some lame excuse that I had to get home). I mean, I know he HAS to do this, to contact her, and I understand in my mind that he has to do this, but am I a real lame jerk to feel the way I do? That he contacted her after 9 years? I guess, I just wish he'd kept me in the loop, that he would have told me what he was planning on doing before he did it, not after. I kind of figured he'd contact her, however.

Anyhow.. no major issue arose from this, we didnt fight, he understood why I'd be a bit upset, etc. I just wish I had the capacity to be more supportive about this. To his face I was all supportive but inside I was pretty shaken. Not feeling good about that.

soc

 

[Lloydy]

Hi Soccer,
any call like that is going to be tough on you both, he's worried about upsetting you, you're worried about showing him you're upset.
That's some juggling act for either of you.

Don't feel guilty about it - even if you do want to scratch her eyes out

Lloydy

 

[soccer]

Indeed - this whole "case" preparation has been a real tough thing for both of us.. him having to dig into his past, me having to put up with his behaviour due to the feelings that he's digging up.. I also know that he's putting any future plans for us on hold until this case is completed. We are not young (32 and 33) and I really think its high time we both "settled down" but alas.. another reason to wait!!!!

The tough thing about the ex is that she was always bugging my BF to sue the perpetrator - I do think that he would have a good case (his life was pretty much destroyed for years, he could really use some $$ to support himself to finish High School and go to University) but he's not at that point yet. Right now he's just trying to present this case to the regional teacher's discipline committee.. and "see what happens".

What bothers me about this ex is that I know that when my BF was with the ex he did have major sexual "overdrive" - a fact I wish I didnt know but for some reason, he felt it was important to tell me that. (why would he feel compelled?) I guess, because of the abuse, etc. I just know a little "too much" about their past together, things I wish I didnt know. Perhaps all this "dumping" of his past (he has told me things about sexual relations with other women that I also wish I didnt know" - he seemed really intent on sharing all of this when he first met me) is part of the whole "shame about sex" thing that he may still be carrying.

Lloydy/Eddie/Babs, etc: Any insights on that?? its something that still bothers me in the relationship - something that is still nagging at me.. not sure how to put all of that knowledge and his "dumping" of this information (about his sexual past) in perspective.... all I know is that knowing it makes me feel *very* threatened and somehow, not very important to him!!

soc

 

[Lloydy]

Soccer
I've know Sugar for 29 years, a bloody long time !! And I remember bragging about my prowess and conquests when we met and for a long time, number one bullshitter....

I think it was to establish myself as a man's man, macho stuff to a degree. But it was mixed up with a load of insecurity, especially with women.
I grew up in the country, very alone with my mother as the only woman in my life, and she's always been, how shall I say it ? - cold and aloof, still is.
Boarding school was male, I was an engineering apprentice after that, all male at work and college.

So I hadn't got a clue, who taught me about sex ? my abusers....
I had screwed up ideas about sex, porn was very common at work which compounded it, and it was the early 70's, sex was a pastime for the young.

So my bragging was down to my massive insecurity and ignorance. Can you belive my school sex education amounted to a 15 minute description of monkeys mating ?? What the hell did I know

When I met Sugar, I'd had more male sex partners ( I hate describing them like that ) than female,
and it's still the same, I've been faithfull as far as other women are concerned.
And that's the sort of fact that's always rattled around the back of my mind and caused me grief about my orientation. I knew I wasn't gay, I never fancied other guys, but I have had more male partners than female, so what was the deal ?? I didn't know, so I bragged and lied to prove to myself I was a real man, I nearly ended up believing that crap as well. I nearly believed my tales of sexual overdrive.

It's a guy thing Soc' - we can be full of it !!!

'later
Lloydy

 

[soccer]

Thanks Lloydy.. I really appreciate you writing all of that. I have to admit that my BF's sexual history is the MAIN reason I have problems in this relationship - I can handle the abuse, I can handle the mood swings much easier than knowing what he has done and with whom!

I have to admit that because of his past, I sometimes just dont feel safe in the relationship - wondering if he can stay faithful, (he's an incredibly good looking, nice, friendly, funny and sociable guy, I can imagine many women coming on to him..) wondering if an ex is going to come back to try and "claim" him. He says he's always been faithful when he was in a long term relationship.. but I've been so burned by guys - by long term partners even, that I find it hard to believe him. I guess its a combo of my past experience and his past behaviour which scares the shit out of me.

It was weird though, when we first me, we were just hanging out as friends and we started into the "sex stories" bullshit. It was almost like he NEEDED to tell me all the gory details of his past when we first met - perhaps he felt really guilty and had to "dump" it all off his chest? I dont know. All I do know is that he really has mixed up sexual encounters with being "accepted" which he says explains his "compulsive" sexual history. I suppose that makes sense. I dont like it much, but it makes sense.

Apologies for not replying earlier but I"ve been on vacation!

soc