I often feel this isn't sexual abuse, but ...

[mpjq]

At the age of ten I was playing chess on the back porch of an older boy's house He asked if he could take off my belt and I simply said yes. He undid my pant's button and proceeded to try and pull down my pants and I stopped him. I said we can't do this here, BUT I know where we can.

For the next 3 years we met in my fathers abandoned warehouse. Each time he removed all my clothes. He never touched me sexually but he would laugh and deride me for letting him do that to me.

I often felt that this isn't abuse because I cooperated and actually asked him to do it, but he was older and I believe there's something called grooming. What do you think?

 

[Georgie]

Did you reciprocate?

 

[mpjq]

No, I did not and he never asked for that. He was far more interested in the power position and I was interested in the excitement of him removing my clothes. I never liked the feeling when it was all done. It felt like shame.

 

[GaD3!]

The fact that he was older it seems would play a part in this. You have mentioned in other posts about being bullied and abused by older boys, I assume that this may have been part of that. It seems to me that this is a deeper issue. Why would he do that and why would you cooperate and ask him to do it? You do not need to answer this, but it is something to think about. There certainly could have been grooming, as I said- something to think about. If you have not dealt with the abuse you have previously mentioned in therapy, I would highly recommend that you seek out the help of a T who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues- even if you are 64 and have led a successful life. Take care.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I often struggle with considering my abuse as actual "abuse," because I went to his house willingly knowing full well what he was going to do with me. Tons of people have said that it doesn't matter if I went to him willingly, and I get that, but I still struggle with that. A lot. I guess I was just a dumb kid who got addicted to dry orgasms and being fckd by an old guy at the age of 11.

 

[mpjq]

You know, it isn't often said, but children's brains are smaller and undeveloped. Our brain keeps growing and isn't fully matured until our late 20s. We try to understand the past with a fully matured brain and it is hard to grasp what we did as a child. Be kind to your inner child and I will try to be kind to mine.

 

[dcwofhs90]

You know, it isn't often said, but children's brains are smaller and undeveloped. Our brain keeps growing and isn't fully matured until our late 20s. We try to understand the past with a fully matured brain and it is hard to grasp what we did as a child. Be kind to your inner child and I will try to be kind to mine.

You're right

 

[George]

As I see it, It was indeed sexual as he was removing your clothes himself, even if he didn't touch you further, you both got sexually charged over it. He was older and it went on for three years, and he ridiculed you to exert power and dominance over you. This was abuse as he had all the power and the control and age, you being "willing" was your innocent young brain being overwhelmed with all these brand new powerful brain chemicals that it wasn't ready to deal with at ten. Your mind was being programmed to accept it by grooming. At ten you couldn't comprehend all the consequences, all the patterns it was setting up in your young brain, the changes it was making in the course of your life's trajectory. You couldn't comprehend all that was being stolen from you, all the would've, could've and should've beens that could never happen now, or that they were tainted thanks to someone else stealing it all from you as a very vulnerable child. This is exactly why children can't consent to sex, they don't get it, they just get caught up in it much like a fly in a spiders web.

I was one who "willingly" went back to my abuser once puberty kicked in, so I get it. This caused me so much added shame and guilt, I think even more so than the initial three years of abuse.

Another reason why we sometimes see ourselves as acting "willingly", is that to some degree this allows us to take back some control in order for us to not see ourselves as a victim, thus it being another form of denial to preserve our sanity to when we can deal with the fallout later.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I was one who "willingly" went back to my abuser once puberty kicked in, so I get it. This caused me so much added shame and guilt

Even though my abuse began about 2 years before puberty, this is spot on for me. So much shame and guilt...

 

[mpjq]

You know, it isn't often said, but children's brains are smaller and undeveloped. Our brain keeps growing and isn't fully matured until our late 20s. We try to understand the past with a fully matured brain and it is hard to grasp what we did as a child. Be kind to your inner child and I will try to be kind to mine.

Even though my abuse began abo4)ut 2 years before puberty, this is spot on for me. So much shame and guilt...

The good news is as you age (im 64) the shame and guilt lessen as with everything else, sex drive, stamina, etc. You get to a point where you can look at what happened and feel almost nothing, and especially no shame and guilt

 

[GaD3!]

As I see it, It was indeed sexual as he was removing your clothes himself, even if he didn't touch you further, you both got sexually charged over it. He was older and it went on for three years, and he ridiculed you to exert power and dominance over you. This was abuse as he had all the power and the control and age, you being "willing" was your innocent young brain being overwhelmed with all these brand new powerful brain chemicals that it wasn't ready to deal with at ten. Your mind was being programmed to accept it by grooming. At ten you couldn't comprehend all the consequences, all the patterns it was setting up in your young brain, the changes it was making in the course of your life's trajectory. You couldn't comprehend all that was being stolen from you, all the would've, could've and should've beens that could never happen now, or that they were tainted thanks to someone else stealing it all from you as a very vulnerable child. This is exactly why children can't consent to sex, they don't get it, they just get caught up in it much like a fly in a spiders web.

I was one who "willingly" went back to my abuser once puberty kicked in, so I get it. This caused me so much added shame and guilt, I think even more so than the initial three years of abuse.

Another reason why we sometimes see ourselves as acting "willingly", is that to some degree this allows us to take back some control in order for us to not see ourselves as a victim, thus it being another form of denial to preserve our sanity to when we can deal with the fallout later.

Very insightful post!

 

[GaD3!]

You get to a point where you can look at what happened and feel almost nothing, and especially no shame and guilt

It is good that this is your experience, unfortunately it is not the same for everyone. There is no "one size fits all" in the healing process.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I guess I was just a dumb kid who got addicted to dry orgasms and being fckd by an old guy at the age of 11

I apologise if I cross any boundaries… but I am curious about one word: dumb
I absolutely get what you feel and mean by saying it.
But what would make that kid dumb, factually?

(sorry for what you have been through brother… and thank you for sharing)