I never understood... (*trigger*)

[Sick Puppy]

My mom told me all about sex when I was in kindergarten. She told me what it was, why people do it...

But how is someone just learning his alphabet supposed to understand what qualifies as a sex act? I was sure that the things my mother and I did in her bed were sex, but I don't know if I ever connected sex to the things that were done to me when my mother brought me to strange houses. All I knew was that they were "scary people" and that it hurt.

I would ask about sex a lot because I didn't understand it. My mom acted like I was an idiot. How is a five year old supposed to understand that sort of thing?

Sex is good. All little boys have it with their mommys so they can learn all about it.

Sex is bad. You're a sick and dirty little boy for having it.

Sex is bad, and it hurts. You deserve it because you were born bad.

What was I supposed to believe? At some point my mother told me that the things those men did to me were sex... but why wasn't it like the sex with my mother? I had no sexual hormones, no sex drive, no sexual attraction... how was I supposed to understand what connected these seemingly unrelated acts?

Similarly... why did it hurt me so? I didn't know what it was. I didn't understand. For not even knowing what sex was, why do I still wake up crying?

 

[theo]

s.p.,
i don't know if that many of us really know what we understood as children. perhaps i should qualify that statement in that your words made me think of my own current struggles. there is no way we could have understood the lies we were told. i keep wanting to believe that my own mother was incapable of what she did, but the proof is all there in my waking nightmares. the lies, God the lies!! we were children, and we believed. i am sorry, i wish i could be more helpful. if nothing else, s.p., i tell you that you are not alone. we walk this one together.

 

[Bill_1965]

S.P.

It is your mother that is the Sick Puppy, not you. You have been given so many conflicting and totally inaccurate information.

Bill

 

[Leosha]

I felt lost while reading your post. I do not know why, I read it again few times, but still, my head was lost reading it, it did not seem to make sense to me, what you were trying to say. I apologize for that. I just know that my mother never spoke to me of sex at all. My father never spoke of it either, he just do bad things, and then coach too. I never at all learn of it as good thing, still do not learn that. I am not so sure what I am trying to say, I am sorry. Feeling lost again.

leosha