I never told them no

I never told them no
R

robertr2

New Registrant
First it was a school friends uncle. He molested me in his car when I was 11 while my friend watched. He pulled my shorts down and rub my privates. He told me not to tell anyone. I never did.
There were many other other men. Some in public restrooms and others took me to hotel rooms. They found me attractive and were nice to me. Some put their penis inside of me and used me like a girl. I cried.
I felt shamed being used by them. Why I never said no cause I wanted them to love and care for me like my dad never did. They never did love me. I was used as a sex object. I was just young and dumb!
 
Robert I am so sorry for what happened. I know that I am not alone in telling you this because in the short time I have been around this site I can feel the love and support from everyone.
THAT is very important in our life. The acting out of my victimization became my perverted way of thinking that I was being accepted everytime someone used my anus. I made myself into a sex object and liked it because I felt "loved". I spent the next five years in school thinking everyone loved me but to my own dismay discovered they were only using me because I was an easy lay. The webs we weave can be confusing.
It is only when we break free and empty out the pain that we begin to understand the truth. At least that is what I am discovering. May you find peace in your journey...Xenoman
 
Robert2 - Welcome to the site and glad you posted!! Doesn't that piss you the hell off(excuse my impulsivity here) - that those adults who SHOULD have known better take advantage of a kid like that!!! I was in my 20's before I realized that "to be my friend" didn't mean "you had to have sex with me". Isn't that dumb? NO! It is because I was a hungry kid. Hungry for attention and emotional attachment.From all my perps, I felt needed and cared about! I was young - Yes! But not dumb nor stupid! I stopped telling because my parents didn't really care when I did tell and the sexual attention was all the attention that I got. The attention felt good even when the sex wasn't! I'm glad you are here and are strong enough to share with us! You are not alone in your story and your feelings. Don't beat yourself up for not telling...for the most part, we all never told and therefore our struggles have lasted a lifetime UNTIL we told someone! When we tell, we move away from the closet that trapped us and further into the room toward the door to freedom!
Keep posting!! Keep telling!!

Howard
 
robert2,

I too wasn't able to say no. I think it is pretty common. In my opinion, many boys who get targeted for abuse, aren't in a position to say no. What I mean, is that the circumstances of their lives make theme less likely to recognize abuse or less likely to turn away from any attention. Afterall, for many boys, any attention from a male is uncommon and thus they are easy prey. Hopefully, that makes sense. I don't think I am expressing myself well this morning. Just remember, even if you didn't say no or even if your body responded to stimulation, it is not your fault. A boy can not give consent to a man. As a boy you weren't in a position to yes or no.
 
Robert

Why I never said no cause I wanted them to love and care for me like my dad never did.
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Perps are excellent at picking up on those vibs from kids. They can read so much that is never said. They felt your lonelyness and took IT AS A OPERTUNITY to abuse you.

You will always find understanding here. Tom
 
You were not dumb. My parents were the same way. You couldn't get love out of them with a crowbar. And when we don't get love, we attach ourselves to the closest thing to love. The perps blur our definitions of love and sex, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to straighten it out.

You weren't dumb. You were a kid who did the best you could with what you were given. We're so glad you found this place. The more I write here and read what others have been through, the more sense I can make of my messed up life.

I have to add that reading your post and thinking about all those people who took advantage of our screwed-up family lives, it makes me so angry at them. You should have never been treated that way. None of us should have. And like you, I leaned on the idea that they thought I was attractive. At least that made me feel like something. The fact is they'd use anyone--probably male or female. I was just the rag of the day. Now I can put the blame where it belongs. It was not my fault. It was theirs.

It was not your fault. You can tell your story here and there's no judging. We understand more than you know. And like the others said, it took a lot of strength to get here and tell what those perps did to you. Keep writing and talking. We're with you.
 
Robert2,

You, nor any of us, should ever have been placed in the position to have to say, "No". Our perps knew exactly what they were doing and they knew it wasn't right. Proof of THEIR guilt is that they never wanted us to say "No", in fact most threatened us if we ever attempted to say, "No". They didn't want us to say a damn thing to anyone about what they were doing to us!

I know it's easier said than done, but you can't beat yourself up over this. It's an undeserved guilt trip they put upon us. Coming here will hopefully teach us that the guilt trip is not ours to carry.
 
Robert

I never told them no
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They never asked for your permission.

You did NOTHING WRONG.

Dave
 
Robert,
who gives a fuck whether you said no or not. You were a kid. A kid doesn't have to say no. Adults aren't supposed to be messing with them. You were a kid and off limits. It was not your fault. And you shouldn't have had to say anything. No one should have touched you. Peace, Andrew
 
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I felt alot guilt thinking I did not do the manly thing. I did not fight or protect myself. But after reading your replies I now realize I was not a man at that time but a hungry child looking for love.
One things thats has puzzle me is why all my abusers were men. Was I a easy target? Was I sending out some signals just to them and not women? Why not my friends?
 
Why I never said no cause I wanted them to love and care for me like my dad never did.
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One things thats has puzzle me is why all my abusers were men.
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Our parents and others train us, and the perps use our training. They're masters of manipulation. I don't think it's a matter of "sending out signals" when we're just kids. I think it's about having an empty spot where love should be and evil men being able to identify that. They're predators, and like any animal predator, they don't go after the strongest of the herd. Not that I think I or anyone else here was weak! That's not what I'm saying at all. I just think my uncle could see what I was missing. And he used that to get to me. If I'd had loving, supportive parents, if I hadn't had that empty spot, would he have still SA me? Maybe. But I doubt I'd be as messed up as I am, and I doubt it would have repeated itself throughout my life like it has.
 
Hi Robert,

It is really good of you to trust us with the pain that you have carried alone.

I was abused as a young boy/youth as well. I also felt that I would not get anyone else's attention and "love" than from the man who abused me for a couple of years. I think all of us, and in a sense, especially young males need the love of a man. If Dad does not love us, we look for it in other men whether they be teachers, or coaches, scoutmasters, relatives etc.

Be kind to yourself. Not many of us said 'NO!" because we were nothing and the adult had lots of power over us. If I had said no, I would have suffered very serious consequences. And, if I had said "No!" I might have lost him. In my need, I felt that it was just the price I had to pay.

People do not have to be physically huge, like and NFL or NBA star to overcome us. They have so many ways to make us feel helpless.

I sure hope that you will not blame yourself, or think less of yourself because you did not try to fight off your abusers. The simple fact is that you could not have done so even if you wanted to. It is all about POWER. We just can't forget that.

Male pedophiles most often do attack girls, but a large number attack boys, as we well know. Women who abuse boys are a different breed of animal. The men who abused us as kids did it because of our age. That is what turned them on.

Just in case you wonder, I like what I read somewhere on this site, that being raped by a man does not make a boy homosexual anymore than being raped by a woman would make a gay boy heterosexual. That is good to remember when we wonder about who we are and what we really want out of relationships.

Peace to you friend.

Bob
 
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