I needed a dad

[usmc97]

A story similar to many others...

I needed a dad. I wanted a dad. I got a shitty "mom's husband" who just terrorized me with physical and mental abuse instead starting when I was 3 or 4. He wasn't my father (my father is another story, he was never in my life). He hated me and still does to this day.

This one great guy came into my life when I was 8. He was amazing. He was so different. He was my comforter through all the hell at home. A father figure that felt perfect. I felt safe. I ran to him. I felt protected. I felt that need get met. I felt loved. When he started to touch me... it was nice, it was weird, it felt good, it was confusing. There was nothing painful with him. Hate saying I liked it. I liked being close...of course, didn't know it was wrong. Didn't know he was bad. I thought I was loved and special. I was just used. Sick.

He gave me away to sadists and I never saw him again. I hate that he is a "good" memory. I crave that feeling of love. I have my whole life since him and never have found it. It sickens me. Why does he have to be a good memory when he was so evil? My mom's husband will always be worse. He's beyond evil. But that sexual abuser. The worst pain eventually came from. How could he just give me away? I thought he loved me, but he sent me to hell with those men who were so sadistic and cruel. Still I crave his comfort and love.... Like I said, sick

I know these feelings and thoughts are normal, just felt like writing.

 

[MO-Survivor]

I’m so sorry @usmc97. Yes, the men in our lives who provided for many of our emotional needs but also used us, abused us, and betrayed us… are horribly confusing. The truth is, as you know, we live constantly with the ambivalence of both good and bad memories and feelings of them. There is no healthy finality with just landing on one side (thinking of them as good - leaving us stuck and un-healed) or bad (thinking of them as evil - leaving us constantly angry and cynical and maybe bitter). They were both to us, and part of healing is to hold both views at once - and to tolerate and be okay with those conflicting feelings.

Usually one or the other is difficult for us to dwell on. The pre-teen kids in us usually tend to focus on the positives, while the teen in us focuses on the anger and negatives. You, as the adult in the room, get to navigate this for them - acknowledging both their feelings as legitimate and empathizing with both.

This journey… is so hard. I’m sorry you were betrayed. It should never have been.

 

[htsba78]

I remember a few of my abusers the way you remember that man. They're the ones I think about when I have good memories of being a kid, but they still did horrible things. There were a lot who were worse. There were ones I knew were monsters and were dangerous, ones that I thought would kill me, but the "nice" ones kept them in check. I hate it, but I still struggle with the idea that even what the nice guys did was bad.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi @usmc97

The stories just keep piling up. How many of our stories started with or either revolved around that same theme.

This one great guy came into my life when I was 8. He was amazing. He was so different. He was my comforter through all the hell at home. A father figure that felt perfect. I felt safe. I ran to him. I felt protected. I felt that need get met. I felt loved. When he started to touch me... it was nice, it was weird, it felt good, it was confusing. There was nothing painful with him. Hate saying I liked it. I liked being close...of course, didn't know it was wrong. Didn't know he was bad. I thought I was loved and special. I was just used. Sick.

Fortunately, I never found that guy. It was already too late for me to find him. My wall of distrust and disappointment had already been strongly reinforced. I began to expect betrayal and sexual abuse, and my expectations were more than fulfilled. In spite of the solid proof that certain men were pure evil, I determined I wasn't going to continue that vicious cycle, that my sons would not spend a lifetime in need of a dad.
.

 

[Jack1]

I remember one man from when I was about nine. He was a semi-pro baseball player and I was crazy about baseball. He would tell me all about playing in the leagues and about all the players he knew, about remarkable plays, batting and pitching. I loved listening to him tell me about the sport. The unfortunate part was that I would be performing oral on him as he regaled me with his stories. I really looked up to him and since I thought performing a sex act on a man was a normal thing for a young boy to do, I tried to please him as much as I could. I now realize what he was doing was very wrong but it is difficult not to see him as a positive in a very negative childhood.

 

[Ferguson]

I need a dad but I'm now beginning to think I've got to be "my own loving parent"/dad, with the help of you all here and some other programs.

 

[Silly]

@Ferguson - that sounds like a solid plan. I suppose I've sort of been doing this without really thinking about it.

 

[MO-Survivor]

I need a dad but I'm now beginning to think I've got to be "my own loving parent"/dad, with the help of you all here and some other programs.

Love it Ferguson.

 

[Trev]

I had a dad he never messed with me, abused me, he was not the source of pain sexually. He was aware of my strange development and did take me to a doctor to make sure there was nothing wrong with my hormones or me physically. He was unaware when it came to my brother and his friends causing me pain l, playing with me, seducing me at 9 years old because I was big like them, I was really trying to be like my brother and he and his buddies took advantage of that. I kept their secret, not sure I should have. When I kept growing at 13 they dropped me and my brother became distant but also angry, I became the brother that stayed out of trouble. My dad was way busy trying to keep my brother on a better path which could have played a small role in being vulnerable at 13 when it came to my friends dad.

I try to be the dad I needed to all 3 of my boys carving out time individually while still making sure they stay close with each other.