I need to speak my truth - help
Hi friends,
Quick backstory on us... I am a CSA survivor (only body memories and corroboration of the weird event by my mom) as well as grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and my partner was molested several times by his babysitter at age 5.
I've done a lot of healing myself in the last two years, and have reached a point where I'm finally able to hear the voice inside of me. Much of that work has been spiritual/energetic as well. Meaning, I am able to draw correlations between physical ailments I have, and what is going on emotionally. I am having some physical symptoms which are linked to denying my intuition and not speaking my truth. I know it is time for me to talk to my partner and lay all of my chips on the table with regards to our intimacy, future and cooperation in receiving therapy (separate and together).
I'm still grappling my own fears about speaking my truth, a by product of my upbringing for sure, and it's no coincidence that I fell in love with a man who is all too similar to my father which really paralyzes me to speak up.
What I want to say (in no particular organized order) is that I deserve intimacy, cuddles, hugs when I'm sad, support when I'm healing, empathy when something is wrong. I feel unloved and alone, and sometimes even vilified for crying, being upset, having emotions that inconvenience him. I also want to say that at 34 years old (and him being 44), I've given 7 years to this relationship and I always wanted to get married. I deserve that celebration from my relationship.
I also want him to somehow know that I've seen his heart open, and that I know that deep down he wants these things too but that I believe his past is playing into our present. I am trying to heal for myself, and my wish is that he could find healing too and start to unlock some of the deepest pleasures our relationship can bring. HE deserves it too.
My wish in all of this is of course that he will seek treatment and that we can continue to have open conversations about these topics with a counsellor together. I'm not expecting an overnight change, but what I want is the commitment at least to work on some of the pain points.
My fear, is that he will get defensive and withdraw and not let me finish saying what I need to say, or, that he'll listen but no action will be taken. In these cases, I'd be denying myself to continue with the relationship. Even just typing that fills me with dread.
So, what I need help with now is:
1. I'm looking for any resources on truth speaking that may help ME
2. I know there are things I need to say but to the extent possible I want to say them with delicacy for his feelings, and with love. I don't know how to do that without being a doormat.
3. ANY thing else you can recommend. Mindfulness practices, styles of psychology to look into for myself, him, and together.
thanks
Quick backstory on us... I am a CSA survivor (only body memories and corroboration of the weird event by my mom) as well as grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and my partner was molested several times by his babysitter at age 5.
I've done a lot of healing myself in the last two years, and have reached a point where I'm finally able to hear the voice inside of me. Much of that work has been spiritual/energetic as well. Meaning, I am able to draw correlations between physical ailments I have, and what is going on emotionally. I am having some physical symptoms which are linked to denying my intuition and not speaking my truth. I know it is time for me to talk to my partner and lay all of my chips on the table with regards to our intimacy, future and cooperation in receiving therapy (separate and together).
I'm still grappling my own fears about speaking my truth, a by product of my upbringing for sure, and it's no coincidence that I fell in love with a man who is all too similar to my father which really paralyzes me to speak up.
What I want to say (in no particular organized order) is that I deserve intimacy, cuddles, hugs when I'm sad, support when I'm healing, empathy when something is wrong. I feel unloved and alone, and sometimes even vilified for crying, being upset, having emotions that inconvenience him. I also want to say that at 34 years old (and him being 44), I've given 7 years to this relationship and I always wanted to get married. I deserve that celebration from my relationship.
I also want him to somehow know that I've seen his heart open, and that I know that deep down he wants these things too but that I believe his past is playing into our present. I am trying to heal for myself, and my wish is that he could find healing too and start to unlock some of the deepest pleasures our relationship can bring. HE deserves it too.
My wish in all of this is of course that he will seek treatment and that we can continue to have open conversations about these topics with a counsellor together. I'm not expecting an overnight change, but what I want is the commitment at least to work on some of the pain points.
My fear, is that he will get defensive and withdraw and not let me finish saying what I need to say, or, that he'll listen but no action will be taken. In these cases, I'd be denying myself to continue with the relationship. Even just typing that fills me with dread.
So, what I need help with now is:
1. I'm looking for any resources on truth speaking that may help ME
2. I know there are things I need to say but to the extent possible I want to say them with delicacy for his feelings, and with love. I don't know how to do that without being a doormat.
3. ANY thing else you can recommend. Mindfulness practices, styles of psychology to look into for myself, him, and together.
thanks