I need to say this (triggers)

I need to say this (triggers)
B

big eyed fish

Registrant
this is something i need to say

maybe because i been drinking but i just need to say it.

i was abused. i know you all know that cuz i am here. i was raped when i was 14 and then abused by the same guy from 14-15. this is the truth and sometimes i dont want to admit it, i want to pretend it didnt happen but it did happen.

it happened when i was at boarding school. the guy was a couple grades above me. like 17/18. it ended when i told my friend and my friend beat him up and he went to the hospital and then we ran away

all the time i think it was my fault because the reason it ever happened was because i got him and his friends in trouble and they went to teach me a lesson and it got out of hand. if i didnt do that i never would of got raped. its hard to think about. it was a bad time. after that he made me drink a lot and did stuff to me. i couldnt say no could i? i did say no. but it didnt matter he did it anyway and he was older than me and i was scared of him because he was bigger and mean and he had a knife i saw him use it before and he put it to my throat a bunch of times.

its over now but i dont feel like its over. every day i dont feel like its over, i still hurt and im still scared even though it ended 5 years ago. i always wonder where is he now. what if he finds me again.

im sorry i jsut had to say this, thats all, thanks.
 
big eyed fish,

Those are all feelings that any abused boy would have, and they are part of the way you, as a boy, were trying to figure out what was happening and why it was happening to you. Sexual abuse isn't just about sex: it is about violation of trust, learning about cruelty, being manipulated and controlled, and feeling powerless, worthless and unlovable. No wonder abused boys blame themselves so much for what is happening to them; their ability to see the world in true perspective is being eroded away and denied to them. Unless a boy gets a lot of support and help, those feelings don't go away once he is an adult - they continue to interfere with him in various ways.

The reality, though, is that none of this was your fault. If you got the older boy into trouble that doesn't mean you deserved to be raped. And a boy of 14 is not in a position to stand up to an 17-year-old and tell him no. That age difference (not to mention the alcohol and fear he was armed) gave him a lot of power over you, and that's what abuse really is: misuse of power.

You are right: it isn't over. The feelings and fears are still with you, and it takes a lot of work and preferably professional help to deal with it. But stay with us and learn more and ask your questions, okay?

Drinking: Party on, fish ;) . But if you are drinking because you feel bad you will find that this doesn't help. It's better to talk about things and make progress rather than wake up the next morning and discover nothing has changed except for the hangover. On this one I am an expert, believe me!

Take care,
Larry
 
i dont drink to have fun anymore... its not fun anymore. i dont know why i do it. i say i wont but then i do. sometimes its just better not to feel
 
Big Eyed Fish,

First, I'm sorry you had to endure his abuse and I'm sorry you are still enduring the results of his abuse.

Second, congratulations on telling someone else! That's very courageous and it's an early step to healing.

Like Larry said earlier, you did not cause the abuse and you did not deserve it either. This reality can be difficult to understand and accept at first but it is still the truth. No teenager deserved to be raped!

You are completely on the money when you say that although it ended 5 years ago, you don't feel like it's over. You still feel the fear and hurt. Those feelings don't disappear simply because you are no longer in danger of him. It takes work to overcome the results of sexual abuse but you have begun the journey simply be telling someone else and reaching out. I highly recommend finding therapy if you can. If you cant arrange visits with a therapist then maybe a trusted friend who can listen to you. Keep coming here to be in contact with others who understand what you say and who know what you mean when you express your fears and concerns. Read all you can on the subject. Youll see that what you are feeling about the abuse is normal. That realization alone was very relieving to me. Others had the same thoughts and fears I had because of my abuse.

As far as the drinking you mentionbe careful. Drinking may seem to help you forget but the problems are still there when you sober. The sexual abuse issues will not go away by avoiding them. You are still young. Many men cannot face their abuse until well after your age. You have a head start on resolving these issues because you havent waited a lifetime before seeking help. As difficult as it may seem, the path of healing begins by addressing your fears and hurts. Numbing with alcohol or drugs will not help this.

One last thing; thank you for telling us your truth.

Patrick
 
Hey big eyed fish,

I too was sent away to boarding school. This one was in Northern California and was a religious based institution. Although my abuse did not take place there, I was scared to death nearly the whole 2 years I spent there. Looking back on it I know it was because of the SA that took place when I was younger that I was so frightened. I hated the public showers and restrooms there. Every time I had to use them I was afraid someone would attack me. I know now that the fear was probably irrational but that is the affect abuse has on us.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you at your school. I wept as I read your post. It brought back so many memories for me, but most of all I wept because of what you said you went through there. No boy should ever have to experience what you did.

It took a lot of courage to talk about it and I'm proud of you for getting it out. We're here to listen, my friend, and to try to add an encouraging word when we can.

You've taken another small step in getting better by telling your truth. I know it hurt, but in talking about our pain we start the path to wholeness. I envy you in that you are starting on this path at 20 instead of waiting till you are 46 like I did. There are so many of us that look back at all the "wasted" years and weep because of them.

Courage my friend,

John
 
I just had to say some words of encouragement because I can see you are trying to deal with it. As the others said, you are relatively young and dealing with it fairly soon after it happened that you will succeed in facing the hurt and fear.

It's tough when the abuse happens in the later years of childhood. You are just trying to figure yourself out and trying to be a grown up. My abuse ended when I was 17 after going on for many years. I finally just said no and made sure that I stood my ground. It was hard by myself. We are not alone both in our feelings and our experiences here. This is a good place to let it out.
 
big eyed fish,

On your second post here, about drinking: No one here will judge you about this, and certainly not me. When I was your age I was so deep into drinking and drugs I am lucky to be alive today.

You say: "sometimes its just better not to feel". Survivors get that way because feeling means letting out emotions that trouble us. We wonder will I sound stupid; is it gross to say such and such; I am too ashamed; I am all alone; I can't deal with this. Basically, we fear coming to grips with our feelings because we will have to let go and be in a situation where we are not in control and need to rely on others.

But when a guy is hiding his feelings he isn't in control anyway; he's in denial. Our feelings lie at the root of the problem and it is there that we must begin. In my case my most intense feeling about what happened to me is guilt: I feel like I wanted it, that I liked it, that I was a willing participant, that I betrayed my family, and that I missed my abuser when he was chased off. All that was hard to admit; but there are answers to all those problems, and that is where I need the most work. Once I admitted this to myself it started to make ALL the difference.

Alcohol didn't help me fish, and in all honesty I have to say that it won't help you either. It leaves us in exactly the same place as where we started: feeling bad about ourselves. Often we are worse off: we feel even worse and are one step closer to an alcohol problem that is out of control.

It would be silly to tell you stop drinking. I am just suggesting that your feelings, however frightening and upsetting they feel right now, are not your enemy. Once you accept them and deal with them they can help you see the way forward. Look at it this way: you are already doing well in your two posts here! As you make progress, so much else will become easier. It does take time, but it does get better.

Take care bro,
Larry
 
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