I Need to Purge
Hello Everyone,
I feel a need to share as I am really confused and about to open the door again. I am 45 years old and as a young boy of 5-10 was sytematically used for sex by older neighborhood boys. I have and always have had clear memories of these events. Some are quite vivid. If i were an artist I could paint them. I have always just accepted this as part of my life. I was as expected quite confused, and still am, about my sexuality. I have had relationships with both men and women. I have been married for 9 years and have 2 children. I became an alcoholic probably around 17 or so and made it into the doors of AA in 1988. I was so amazed that there were people who wanted me for me. Not for sex and not for what I could give or do for them. I was quite driven to work my whole life I believe because if I did not have something of monetary value to offer no one would want me. I add here that in the 8 years prior to 88 I was living with a very domineering male. I lived pretty much as an animal. I was horrible as far as personal hygiene and my overall appearance. When that relationship ended as a direct result of my alcoholism I had massive abandonment and was a mess. This is when I found AA. I grew in knowledge of myself at this time and pursued a therapist and started addressing my issues and those of my abuse. In reflection I don't think I was real open with my therapist. I absorbed over and over "victims No Longer and other books of recovery and awareness. I was I think abusing myself at the rate I pursued recovery. Well what I thoiught was a path. My therapist used hypnosis extensively. Every session. That was intense as she sought the wounded little me. I could often not even drive when I left and had to go in her ..yep her.wonder about that...waiting area to try to return. I've kinda always know I was in here, this body. I always have envisioned myself as this little guy up in my head at the controls. See, I run this 6'4 225 lb guy to run interference and guard me. I think sometimes I have come down out of my head . That has happened 3 times in my life. It follows the end of a relationship. I always gain weight(a lot) during relationships and then am anorexic(like now) for a good while till something stops it. Ususally another relationship. Last time in 88 I lost 115 pounds in so short a time I will not mention it. I know I need to eat well but it just isn't the right thing to do. I can't stand to be discusted with myself. I do sometimes eat because my blood sugar gets low and i get dizzy. A relationship with my wife lead to alcohol in 92. I have been separated from my family for 6 months and sober that long also. I am back in the pattern. I am sitting on my hotel bed writing this looking at the copy of Victims's no longer I just purchase a few hours ago. Once again I am so greatful to be sober. I am a real miserable stay at home drunk. I guess it is all that stops the voices some time. I do, as before have a strong spiritual basis in my sobriety. God you see loves me and when i do let go of things they don't bother me as much. Behind everything must be my abuse. I have never felt it. never processed it. It just is.
I know this is quite rambling but I just wanted to expose myself for any support and comments you wonderful people may have.
Mike
[ 07-23-2001: Message edited by: MichaelW ]
I feel a need to share as I am really confused and about to open the door again. I am 45 years old and as a young boy of 5-10 was sytematically used for sex by older neighborhood boys. I have and always have had clear memories of these events. Some are quite vivid. If i were an artist I could paint them. I have always just accepted this as part of my life. I was as expected quite confused, and still am, about my sexuality. I have had relationships with both men and women. I have been married for 9 years and have 2 children. I became an alcoholic probably around 17 or so and made it into the doors of AA in 1988. I was so amazed that there were people who wanted me for me. Not for sex and not for what I could give or do for them. I was quite driven to work my whole life I believe because if I did not have something of monetary value to offer no one would want me. I add here that in the 8 years prior to 88 I was living with a very domineering male. I lived pretty much as an animal. I was horrible as far as personal hygiene and my overall appearance. When that relationship ended as a direct result of my alcoholism I had massive abandonment and was a mess. This is when I found AA. I grew in knowledge of myself at this time and pursued a therapist and started addressing my issues and those of my abuse. In reflection I don't think I was real open with my therapist. I absorbed over and over "victims No Longer and other books of recovery and awareness. I was I think abusing myself at the rate I pursued recovery. Well what I thoiught was a path. My therapist used hypnosis extensively. Every session. That was intense as she sought the wounded little me. I could often not even drive when I left and had to go in her ..yep her.wonder about that...waiting area to try to return. I've kinda always know I was in here, this body. I always have envisioned myself as this little guy up in my head at the controls. See, I run this 6'4 225 lb guy to run interference and guard me. I think sometimes I have come down out of my head . That has happened 3 times in my life. It follows the end of a relationship. I always gain weight(a lot) during relationships and then am anorexic(like now) for a good while till something stops it. Ususally another relationship. Last time in 88 I lost 115 pounds in so short a time I will not mention it. I know I need to eat well but it just isn't the right thing to do. I can't stand to be discusted with myself. I do sometimes eat because my blood sugar gets low and i get dizzy. A relationship with my wife lead to alcohol in 92. I have been separated from my family for 6 months and sober that long also. I am back in the pattern. I am sitting on my hotel bed writing this looking at the copy of Victims's no longer I just purchase a few hours ago. Once again I am so greatful to be sober. I am a real miserable stay at home drunk. I guess it is all that stops the voices some time. I do, as before have a strong spiritual basis in my sobriety. God you see loves me and when i do let go of things they don't bother me as much. Behind everything must be my abuse. I have never felt it. never processed it. It just is.
I know this is quite rambling but I just wanted to expose myself for any support and comments you wonderful people may have.
Mike
[ 07-23-2001: Message edited by: MichaelW ]