I need to give myself credit
I had a very productive session with my DBT counselor today. I was calmer, although still weepy and emotional, but was able to communicate with her effectively, and I felt heard, which has been one of my fears. I was stunned (in a good way) when she mentioned a list of constructive suggestions I had give her a few weeks ago and how they were being considered higher up the administration as they want to improve services. That helped me feel so much better! She went over the DBT handouts, explaining the rationale, which made sense to me. She wanted me to list negative beliefs and write out counteracting positive beliefs and gave me some reading materials. We cleared the air about something she said last time that I didn't like. We ended the session in good terms.
Then I went on to a yoga lesson. At the end of the session, during the final meditation, the teacher encouraged us to say something tender to ourselves, and I just about lost it. I started crying very softly (I'm new at this yoga place so I'm not completely comfortable with self disclosure yet), telling myself that I've done a good job and that it will be allright.
My inner child has been fighting a titanic struggle trying to stay safe. He needs a break because he's exhausted. I need to take care of myself.
I went home, then had a nap, and I'm just waking up and I'm crying in gratitude and wonder. These are good people that are trying to help me, and it is my terror that is trying to sabotage and push them away, and they understand that. I realize now that I am very courageous for facing these demons head on. It takes a gigantic leap of faith and humility to self-disclose to these people (who are young enough to be my children) my every fear, vulnerabiltiy, and to let them see me at my worst. Because I'm worth it.
The process will not be perfect. They will not be perfect, neither will I, but the intention to help me heal is there. The desire to heal is there.
I'm writing this for future reference, because since I've been having so many mood fluctuations, I may be in a more negative place later on, so I need to remind myself that I'm doing the work that a lot of the men I envy would be terrified to do.
Today has been an emotional, but a very good day. I need to keep crying. Good tears.
Then I went on to a yoga lesson. At the end of the session, during the final meditation, the teacher encouraged us to say something tender to ourselves, and I just about lost it. I started crying very softly (I'm new at this yoga place so I'm not completely comfortable with self disclosure yet), telling myself that I've done a good job and that it will be allright.
My inner child has been fighting a titanic struggle trying to stay safe. He needs a break because he's exhausted. I need to take care of myself.
I went home, then had a nap, and I'm just waking up and I'm crying in gratitude and wonder. These are good people that are trying to help me, and it is my terror that is trying to sabotage and push them away, and they understand that. I realize now that I am very courageous for facing these demons head on. It takes a gigantic leap of faith and humility to self-disclose to these people (who are young enough to be my children) my every fear, vulnerabiltiy, and to let them see me at my worst. Because I'm worth it.
The process will not be perfect. They will not be perfect, neither will I, but the intention to help me heal is there. The desire to heal is there.
I'm writing this for future reference, because since I've been having so many mood fluctuations, I may be in a more negative place later on, so I need to remind myself that I'm doing the work that a lot of the men I envy would be terrified to do.
Today has been an emotional, but a very good day. I need to keep crying. Good tears.
