I need to get this right!

I need to get this right!
B

bc22

Registrant
Tommorrow, my wife comes back from her trip. I can't wait to see my kids and I have to have a very important talk with my wife. Basically, I am going to talk to her about all the things my T and I have discussed, things such as how cold she has been is not normal as she thinks, about how she had a large part in my lack of recovery in the past because she wanted to be protected from what she had done, the fact that she has made everything up to this point about her and not my road to recovery or about the children. I am going to address the "feelings for someone else" , the fact that she has been kicking me when I was so down several weeks ago by bringing up all the different problems we had in the past and the things that were suppose to be settled in counseling all those years ago. I am going to address the fact that I have not felt like I had an identity for years and that she has basically reaffirmed my belief for the last several years that my opions and feelings did not count and that only her's did. As I said before, I am showing her I am well on the road to recovery inspite of what she has done and that I have (as my therapist put it) grown a pair and will not tolerate that crap anymore. I do want to leave her with a positive however, which is that I love her and I now realize that it is unfair to expect someone else to complete you. It is an incredible burden on them and will lead to frustration, as I am sure it has, for the other party. I now know that I can live without her, I would just prefer not to. Wish me luck and pray that I can keep the same confidence level and do right by me for once! Thank you all!
BC
 
BC,

Good for you, you're in my mind as you do it.

Real love happens when you can live without each other, but prefer to live with them. When you can'y live without them it's a co- dependant relationship. Glad you are leaving her a positive--she'll need it and it's real, not something you're just saying.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

Halibut
 
BC,

It's a good idea always to stand up for ourselves and to demand that we be treated with consideration and respect. But could I suggest that your agenda, as you lay it out above, sounds pretty confrontational and disempowering where your wife is concerned? It also worries me that your T would make comments about "growing a pair", as if what is at stake here is you defending your manhood rather than the need for you and the missus to sort out some problems.

Have a look at the situation from her perspective. She will be coming back from a trip more or less unaware of what's in store for her, and you are waiting with this list. Your points are all accusations, and you make it appear that problems you have had in recovery are all her fault.

My guess is that if you proceed with your discussion along the lines you propose here, the result will be a very nasty confrontation. Your offering of a positive point - that you still love her - she may well see as throwing gas on the flames since that point isn't anything positive about her; it's about you.

BC, I'm not contesting what you say. Every single word may be true. I'm just saying that the way you plan to approach this is quite confrontational. It seems somehow like you feel disempowered by her, so now you are going to turn the tables and show her that two can play that game.

But the difficulty there is that the game is so destructive, or has the potential to be so. It may allow a guy to win an argument, but it doesn't help to solve problems. My own thought here - and this really is just my take on things - is that what you need to do is let her get back home, settle in, get the kids calmed down after their trip, and then when there is some quiet time that you can devote to a chat, talk things over. Present her your side of the picture in a way that allows her to concede your points and work with you. If she won't do that, well, then that's another story entirely.

I guess the point I want to stress here is that perhaps the best way to do right by yourself and reclaim your right to fair treatment would be to proceed in a way that respects her feelings and needs as well, and allows her to express her side of things to you, just as you are presenting your view to her. I hope it isn't a matter of you being able to live without her, as you say at the end of your post. A more positive approach might be to say that both of you have so much to offer each other; you just need to learn to deal with each other, and especially with the abuse issues in the middle of all this, in a more equitable and mutually caring way.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,
as always, i appreciate your remarks. I may have written this in an overzelous way. I do not intend on beating her on the head with all this. These are issues that need to be discussed, and I want to discuss them, not argue. YOu are right, that would be counter productive and i will look at how I have this planned out because i do not want this to be an attack on her. I do want her to understand that she has been focusing on her rather than the issues. As far as my T saying I had grown apair, I am stating what he said and not how he said it. He was saying it from the point of view that i am finally standing up for myself. He did not say it in the since of an agenda, simple a statement he made in reference to something I said i therapy. But he is right. I have never thought my feelings mattered, and I finally do see that what i have to say is relevant. That is when he made that statement. anyway, thank you for your well wishes and pray that i do keep this civil. I am so much calmer now, I believe I can do it and do it right.
BC
 
BC,
You are taking a huge step with a lot at risk emotionally. For a guy who feels his feelings haven't mattered for a long time, you're doing a great job of reclaiming things for yourself. I, for one, am really impressed. You are strong. You'll be in my thoughts as this unfolds. Keep us posted.
Paul
 
Last night was not a very good one for sleep. All I could do was go over in my mind the conversation for tonight. I do not know how it will play out. I just want to keep my wits and my cool. If she wants to fly off the handle, that is fine. The main thing is I will stand up for myself, I will be nice and I will do my best not to be acusatory. Where she takes it from there is on her. I have spent the last 15 years protecting her from things and putting her needs first everytime. This time, will be different. The one thing I do understand is that I have empowered her to "put herself first". I will tell her she has put herself first ahead of my recovery and ahead of the needs of the kids, but I take some blame for letting her get away with that behavior in the past. If you give people an inch, they will take it and more. I will not change my spirit in the fact that I am a nice, caring person. I will stand up for me and if she chooses to stick around and see the finished product, it will be great for her. If she decided to leave, it will be her lost. Either way, I will do right by me and my family. I love her and want to stay together, but I will not be that defeated man anymore. Wish me luck! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!
BC
 
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