I need some help

[KL]

And look...you guys don't have to respond, I'm just...I just need to write this down.

I did all the things I was supposed to...I went to therapy (psycho babel doesn't work on me), I articulated my abuse, blah,blah, blah and my abuser even apologized to me after 26 years....finally. He finally said he was sorry to me instead of God. Super.

But...I'm not well, at all. And I'm not getting better. I'm so fucking tired. If anything therapy, articulation, disclosure, all of it...it's only made me accept how crazy I am and has removed all shame and guilt.

I don't even know what I want or where I'm going. I know I need some help, but I don't know what to ask for or what to do. Nothing is working.

I'm technically unemployed...but...I get by. I'm an alcoholic I guess...every night...not getting better...I'll try to stop again tonight. Pills I'm supposed to take to help me sleep, but that's not working because I won't take them. Sex addict, but healthy (that's something), porn addict too I guess...but I don't care, and maybe that's what's wrong with me -
I just don't care. At least about all the things normal people care about...

What do you want to do with your life?
-don't know

Don't you want a career?
-no, not really

Don't you want at least a real job?
-no

Do you think it's healthy to love your 1st abuser so much?
-probably not, but I do...I wish he'd take me back.

See. Not normal. Weird. Gross. I even love second abuser to a degree. Not nearly as intensely...it doesn't bother me that he doesn't have time to call me back, but it does really upset me that the family member who sexually abused me when I was little won't bother ever calling. And that I'm the only one that tries visiting him. why do I care? See- something else I need help with- but I DO CARE and I don't want to let him go. He's always been with me in spirit even if he's not present...it's like he's a part of me...like my hair, skin, so on. How do you stop thinking about that?

What about your church community?
-No religion, he never answered my prayers anyway. The hell with him...ha.

Your friends?
- are they? Some are. Some I'm not sure about...unhealthy relationships. It seems like some prey on the fact that I was abused, they love touching me because I like it so much, or am I using them?

I don't know...it's like yesterday I was out picking up food and while waiting at the restaurant I saw families and people my age acting so grown up...I'm in my early thirties, I'm supposed to have a family. A wife. Kids. Dog. A house.

Instead...I'm either (these days) crying with a friend, home at night listening to music and drinking, bored in therapy, traveling, watching movies, reading, slacking off, or out on my knees somewhere...well that's not true...sometimes they're on theirs lol
Ugh- inappropriate jokes. See?

I don't care. And I really mean that - I don't care. I enjoy having fun and slacking off. I hate how I don't seem to fit in anywhere though. Like even here...you guys (for the most part) all seem to have a healthy idea that what was done to you was bad and you're all trying to get better. I don't feel like I'm doing that or feel that way. I think what happened to you guys was awful, don't get me wrong, but personally when thinking about what happened to me I either cry because he abandoned me or miss it. And...along the lines of not fitting in - when I post I think I'm hurting some of you. My "missing my abuser" and so on. I feel so alone.

I know he shouldn't have, but he did. I was a boy that was a clean slate and he filled me up with himself and consequently I fell unnaturally in love with him. I get it. And I don't think I'll ever be able to turn those feelings off.

What about rehab?
I don't want to be in a type of prison for a month. I don't like to be confined in that way...But yeah...I know, I know.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm very depressed and sad. Not manic, not wanting to kill myself or anything, not dramatic...just... empty. I mourn the past, have no idea what I'll be doing tomorrow...just sad I guess. I cried for an hour and half straight last night....it started with a simple comment from a friend...i thought I was stopping the crying fits...recently I've tried going back into surviving mode - cold mode and stoic mode - I guess that didn't work.

It was nice in a way, I haven't been held that long when not in relation to sex...since ...I don't remember.

Physically sick though at the moment, drank more than normal last night and any hopes of a normal day have been squashed...I'll be limping just to get take out...(no food in the apartment...because I slack off instead of grocery shop)

Anyway...ramble city.

I still keep it together with family. They now know, all about the past, but it's hard not to act around them.
So everybody is saying "you look better"

And I think, I'm doing my job.

 

[kwawk]

Hey KL - don't know if you'll see this, but just reading your posting - sometimes you need to get all this out of your system, by writing, at least to ease the pressure of it boiling up. Anyone telling you what to do or how to handle it is not likely to make you change anything. The only thing I can say, as one guy to another, while you're going through what you're going through currently... i hope you take care of yourself in basic ways (breathe consciously, drink water, sleep, take a walk). It may or may not get better soon, but maybe if you honor yourself in a few simple ways, you can hold your own. BEST regards to you, brother.

 

[manipulated]

KL

I think you believe no one else misses the perp and no one else thought or thinks if the perp (in my case were alive) would look their way again they wouldn't feel complete and filled with life again: Reality is I and most of us I believe start from a similar state. It really is denying it was abuse or that we were victims and it results in the emptiness, the uncaring f life that you describe. I "progressed from there, to grudgingly admitting it "might" have been abuse. to guilt and shame for enjoying it and wanting to run back to nothingness and uncaring; Eventually the anger came with explosive rage and with time, with sharing with the right people and not just anyone the rage has subsided and healing, real healing which for me is caring and feeling again- feeling anything but rage has started. LONG, LONG, LONG way to go but way better than not feeling or just raging. It has been worth the effort.

I understand the feeling that T "doesn't work for me" I felt like that twice but after staying too long when it wasn't working I found a T that understands, and helps instead of pre programmed one Therapy type fits all like my first or "Well what do you think?" approach of the second. Please try again and see if there is anyone who specializes in trauma and/or male abuse in your area. Excellent resources here to guide you as they finally did me.

Bottom line of my rambles: You begin by ALWAYS feeling alone and the only one; Keep trying til you find support, here, in T, in friends and people you can SAFELY SUPPORTIVELY share. and Try, try try again. You will see growth in a better direction however you define it and not as defined by others. Thanks for posting, thanks for being here and especially for sharing your powerful, powerful video.

 

[scottyg]

hey man-

When I red your post I was like, wow, did someone copy and paste one of mine from 2012? But on closer inspection I realized that I did not write this. No one has ever apologized to me in their life for anything. Super.

OK lets get down to it, shall we?

26 years is a long time for trauma to fester. I was abused before you were born and so that means I've been fucked in the head for 35 years. My point is I totally get it. And more importantly, you should get it that this unresolved trauma and depression has likely altered your brain in physical ways as well as emotional and psychological. It's not your fault these half-measures fail to work.

You have all the signs that I had when I suffered from severe depression. I had a lack of motivation, lack of focus, inability to form close relationships, I self-medicated, I maintained codependent relationships with abusive people. Any of this sound familiar? I didn't give a fuck about my life or anyone else's (and still it's a struggle). I went to jail on assault w/ deadly weapon.

Trauma + drugs + alcohol were turning me into a true psycho.

So after some court-ordered rehab I got onto a regimen of anti-depressants. No, the first one did work that great. The second one was OK not ideal. Eventually, I found a pill that helped bring my mood out of the gutter. But pills are water-wings. A pill will not teach you how to swim.

That is why therapy is important. But GOOD therapy, not morons.

I had a CBT therapist who was basically a moron in a mock turtleneck. After 2 years he was like, "I think you may have some boundary issues." Ya think, dickhead?

What I did was I found a much better therapist for me. The whole therapy relationship is kinda like dating. There are some that are a "no" at first sight. Others may seem good at first but then their effectiveness kinda peters out. It happens. Sometimes you get as much as your ever gonna going to and it's time to move on. That's what I finally did.

Finally, no one blames you for the honesty. You miss the abuser. That's the disease talking and most of us have been around a while so we get that. These are things most of us go through in one way or another. So stop thinking about us and start thinking about you.

Make a plan. Look into a better solution than the one that is not helping you at all.

Peace,

Scott A. Grossman

 

[Sterling]

You have quite the sense-of-humor KL ! Right on.
Keep writing.

James

 

[Elad1]

KL,

So glad you wrote because what you are expressing helps me articulate because my feelings have been numb for decades. I know you are helping others as well. This really really sucks in fact it is sad as if it will never go away...oh wait yes my T said it will never go away. Sadly I know this is true, I have lived with the miserable affects of abuse. I continued to be victimized and I had hated myself all my adult life in addition to abandoning my own youth, the boy inside. FYI I sent my letter to the one who was the most important male figure in my childhood. The day after I sent it I felt depression and I am still feeling depressed. I keep asking myself...Now What? I feel empty, I feel I am left in the dust and perpetually frozen in the moment of each attack on my psyche from childhood, and my abuser lives as if nothing ever happened, denial! In Richard B Gartner's book titled Beyond Betrayal he presents to his readers Three Images of Man:

1. The man you know you are.
2. The man you want to be.
3. The man the world expects you to be.

Last week I made my own three images of man:

1. The man I was.
2. The man I am.
3. The man I want to be.

I know these inquiries are very elemental but I never got to reflect on myself in regard to the three images of man because I was too busy surviving.

I wish you best my friend on your journey and safe travels on the road to healing, keep asking your questions, keep searching and be kind and forever love yourself and take care of the child within you.

 

[Dan99]

Just my opinion, but I think it's great that you have the courage to share this stuff. Not easy putting all our crap out, especially when things are tough.

I've felt the same way sometimes about sharing some of my garbage. Am I hurting or offending someone?

I feel fine putting out support, but really tough putting out the negative. But its got to come out, I know that. So keep putting it out there, because it's your journey.

I totally get where you're coming from with the addictive behaviors. I tried to joke with my therapist once. Showed up to a session hung over as hell. Really down. I told him that I drank so much because waking up hung over was the only way I could make it through the day. I laughed, but he rightly said that I wasn't joking.

A hangover, painful as it was, kept me focused on putting one foot in front of the other instead of getting crazy about all the other negative thoughts I had. Learned a lot that day about myself. And so that's what I'd share with you. Not that your experience is going to be like mine, but that breakthroughs come sometimes when you least expect them and when you're at your lowest. You can push at the same door for what seems like forever some times and then one day: Bam! It's open.

Keep up the good work and know that everyone here has moments of feeling like they're not making progress. We all get it. And these guys will be cheering for you when you find the next step forward. Take care.

 

[Sterling]

how ar you doing eht you eat ? I don't want to.
why cant aoran. eat ? why do I have to be pissed off and
suicidal? . I don't want to die I hate this.
this isn't fun. therapy sucks. sometimes.
my dad is good and you make this up. fuck you!
I ah hate you. I wish I could kill you I ... ( speaking figuratively) ....nomy want my I onta this.
hdsfsdfaff sugar. faster. speak faster. why do they hawnt
te my like this. why are they not sick weherw

 

[KL]

I appreciate all the support and kind wishes and thoughts you guys are sending my way. It means an awful lot and touches my heart safely.

I have a lot of growing up to do still. It's more and more apparent every day. But I feel like I'm beginning to turn a page. I hope anyway. I know the problems, now it's time to work on them.

Namely... HAVE to stop drinking. That's number one.

Need to take a break, recharge, and it looks like rehab is seriously being weighed by someone wanting to help. So this might be goodbye for awhile.

Thank you everyone for listening. I'm so sorry if I've ever offended any of you. I'm just lost...

Take Care

 

[manipulated]

KL

Screw them if anyone was offended. You posted truth. You are entitled to your truth and you posted from the wounded heart that aches. There should be no need to apologize for truth here especially.

Breaks are good and if alcohol use has become abuse you need to address it but if I could suggest another thought on the "growing up" === Maybe you need to immature back to find the KL that is stuck back in the time when he got the attention of an adult that little KL craved. Find him. Free him. Let him come out and play and let him start moving forward on maturity from the point he got stuck in rather than trying to push further to mature KL.

Just a thought. Hope it makes sense. Hope you know you are safe here. You are appreciated here. Your videos are powerfully respected here. but most of all in these feelings you feel alone in, in the longing to return to relationship with the person intellectually you know is a perp and pedophile, Please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

As someone else said above it will never go away. (Don't you wish the Men In BLack Memory Wiper was real?) But it will get better. You will get better, feel better and BE better but you have to keep going forward and not give up. Let us know how you are. As you can see above we care.

Manipulated

 

[KL]

Thank you manipulated. That means a lot.

I know he's a pedophile. Or at least he was. I know. But it's hard...he's family. We were close...loved each other.

It's dangerous for me to let little KL have full reign. When he comes out he just wants to make people happy. To be submissive. To be loved in that way. In a lot of ways I'm trying to force him down some. To make him see that real love exists out there, that he doesn't always have to be someone's play thing.

It's hard...it's so hard...it's a struggle. Thank you for your response. I'm tying...I'm really trying.

 

[kylew]

((((((KL))))))

Keep trying. And if it isn't working then try something different. It took Edison thousands of tries before he got the light bulb right. I know you can do it. You can't do it alone and you just haven't found the right help yet. You inspire me every day. (You too manipulated).

kyle

 

[KL]

((((((Kyle))))))

 

[newground]

i think you got some great comments here kl not sure there is much I can add but in all that you said i see such commonality where you see isolation. i have found the most difficult thing for me is allowing people to support me. it seems when our messages is something difficult to hear it is just easier to not say it. is that from fear ,shame, low self esteem i really don't know. but so many messages we deal with as survivors every day seem to shock the socks off those we tell and it leaves us staggered and sure we don't want to do that again.
for me it has taken a lot of self inspection therapy is not enough. and then finding genuine people who can and will help.
its no small order man ((( kl)))
hope that it will happen soon for you
Jeff

 

[manipulated]

It's hard...it's so hard...it's a struggle. I'm tying...I'm really trying.

No one here doubts the struggle or that you are trying, really trying. Newground says it best:

i see such commonality where you see isolation. i have found the most difficult thing for me is allowing people to support me.

Only you can choose to allow anyone to support you and we all have histories of making bad choices in people to trust but it is so vital to recovery that we learn to choose to allow those who care, those who support and those that help to do so. Please take care of yourself KL.

 

[Rdphish73]

WOW. Thank you for sharing all of that. I already see something very good in you and that is your intelligence and openness. I can really relate to you when it comes to the "not caring" and feeling like an alien.
First of all, your feelings are totally valid. Secondly, there's always hope....you just haven't found that spark yet. Thirdly, I really think you need to stop using all drugs and booze. We don't realize how much that stuff impairs us and numbs us.....even if you're keeping it sort of under control. Chances are though, you're drinking/using will progress. You don't want that trust me. Using booze or other drugs numbs us and if used daily, prevents us from getting better. If you really want to make some headway. Ditch that shit........not to mention Alcohol is a depressant! If you can't stop drinking then hit up some recovery meetings (AA, NA, or SMART). If you can stay clean and sober....you will be able to finally do some real work on yourself and never look back!