i need some advice too

i need some advice too
E

emry

New Registrant
i feel bad for beginning a whole new topic here when so many other people probably asked the same thing. But i'm feelin the need to express my situation, too, i guess.

my fiance was abused in his early early childhood at a daycare. he was less than 5 yrs old but remembers it all pretty vividly. i guess i'm writing all this because it came up last night, and i feel powerless because i want to help him heal, but i really don't know what to tell him to help him.

he's doing really well in acknowledging how his current reactions are related to this. but he doesn't quite know how to change his reactions so he can react "normally." it's hard to write this without going into detail to explain it better. but reading some of the other postings makes me feel better that he's not alone in his anger and passive feelings.

he's currently being singled out at work and being treated like crap. he doesn't know why it's happening and he doesn't know how to stop is co-workers from badgering him. but it's bringing him right back to that period in his childhood. he doesn't know how to deal with it, and neither do i. but so far his only reaction is to fill with incredible rage and throw things. which then is followed by incredible shame that he can't control himself. i've never felt threatened by his rage, but i think if he doesn't want to lose any more valuables, he'll need to stop. (that and i'm just not sure it's healthy, what with the shame and all following that. I'm good about anger and the need to get things out, but he's just not getting any relief from it).

i feel like he needs to see a therapist, but he cannot afford one right now. he saw one briefly when he checked himself into our hospital's psych ward for the rage thing. but they didn't really discuss his experience. i was the first one he told about it, and he only recently told his mom (and that's a whole other molehill to conquer - she's needed therapy for other reasons for years).

and he discusses his memories of that experience so infrequently, i don't want to bring it up and ruin his whole week. but i almost want to see a therapist myself so i can find a way to deal with it and help him. but i'm not sure i can afford that either. is there anything from the county or whathaveyou that can help us in this way?

i'm completely supportive of him in every way. but i'm also really scared that i'll say something that will scar him further. or set him back. is it alright to repeat to him that it's not his fault? does he want to hear that?

does anyone have any advice on what i should do?
i'll inform him of this site because i think it'll help a lot just to realize he's not alone. but i might wait a while, because i'm not sure he'll really dig me mentioning all this to strangers.

anyway. it's really helped to write it all out to people who really understand. thanks.
 
I'm sorry that your boyfriend and yourself have to go through this. I'm glad that you are willing to support him in his needs.

If he wants therapy, there are ways to get it. It takes some leg work, but there are public and non-profit agencies that can help.

I would suggest mentioning this site to your boyfriend. Don't hide the fact that you made this post.

And don't forget to take care of yourself,
Bill
 
I would definitely point him to this site. And, you may want to pass on a recommendation from me that he pick up Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer."

He may be queasy about going out and buying it, but I know it's on Amazon and it's probably at your local library. It's a terrific place to begin thinking about this if he's ready.
 
>>>>>he's doing really well in acknowledging how his current reactions are related to this. but he doesn't quite know how to change his reactions so he can react "normally."

Pls. reassure him he IS reacting normally considering he's a SA survivor and has not processed what happened to him with a professional.. its totally NORMAL for him to feel this way under his current work stress..

He's experiencing what's called a "trigger" - for those of us who are abuse survivors there are certain experiences (my big one is being around verbally explosively angry and aggressive men, especially ones who are in a position of authority over me at work.. as I was verbally/psychologically abused and tormented by my dad for many years))..

Pls do what ever you can do let your partner know that what he is FEELING is totally normal.. but there are lines he should not cross with respect to EXPRESSING rage.. i.e. throwing things is NOT acceptable, there are other ways to express anger.

Lately my fiance is big into throwing things too -I've lost a cordless phone, some tupperware bowls and I just about lost an exercise ball the other day. I"m getting a bit fed up with his trashing things too.. and I dont know what I can say to save my stuff, except not leaving my most prized possessions around when he gets furious, and to continually remind him that he is crossing the line of acceptable behaviour when he trashes stuff (its extra hard for me becuase his expression of anger that way is a trigger for my abuse history.. and my typical response to being pushed is to SCREAM AND FIGHT BACK and la la la around we go!!)

Ok.. so back to your partner.. what your partner is really experiencing is a NORMAL feeling of anger due to his mistreatment, but there is something within him that is petrified, frozen inside with respect to DOING anything about it.. due to his abuse experiences something very powerful went on in his brain/psyche that told him he was powerless.. and he has learned that to his very core... which is why he gets so angry.. being unable to do anything about his situation is just creating such an angry feeling in him he just blows up. There's nowhere else for that energy to go.

Although your partner may not have the resources to go to a therapist, there MAY be something else he can do - maybe there is some kind of HR person he might be able to talk to about his issue at work. I too have had the same issues on occasion with respect to work.. there are a few big bullies here at work and I have sometimes felt helpless and angry too (except I turned it inwards and got really sick, insomniac/anxiety/depressed) But I found once I pursued information on our harassment and "healthy workplace" policy I realized that I am an adult who has RIGHTS in my workplace and there IS something I can do about it if I feel I am being unfairly treated. Further to this info. I took a course on "respectful workplace" and once I learned my rights I felt a LOT more safe and empowered to stop the bullies from treating me like crap. It took me about 2 years to identify what the hell was going on but once I learned "just because my dad treated me like crap when I was young and could not to anything about it does NOT mean that I have to sit and take it now as an adult".. I felt a LOT better.. was very freeing!!

Your partner might want to check out any harassment policy or other options to help address his work situation.. Maybe one experience of him doing something to protect HIMSELF now might start him on the road to feeling a bit more engaged and able to protect himself as an adult, despite the fact he was not able to do that for himself as a child... it could be a turning point which might help him start to feel more like a survivor than a victim.

There's nothing more anger provoking than feeling like a helpless victim... In my recent readings on "victim mentality" (while learning more aboiut my workplace bullies) people can and do some pretty unbelievable and shocking things and they can even justify them in their own mind because they felt "victimized".

HOpefully your partner can find some support in the workplace and can also find some support in finding some resources for a therapist too. Good luck. hopefuly he will feel comfy enough to come on here and talk to some of the guys on here.. they are really supportive and he will at least feel like he's not alone.
 
Hey

I'm so sorry you in this situation, but you are a good person to be around for him, "you are not afraid of his anger", he is probably inwardly angry at his lot, and not at you.

It is a difficult situation to be in both for you and for him, and you do need to point him to this site, and be honest about your post, as I see nothing he could find offensive in it, there are a lot of answers here, answers to feelings, experiences etc.

I thought I was going mad before I came here, then I found so many others who have developed the same traits and gone thru the same feelings, it sure is good to find you are not alone in the crap you've lived with all of your life, and others who share their feelings and experiences good or bad with each other.

SA is a very complex issue, and you will never find so many easy answers, but starting here, is a good start.

take care

ste
 
Emry
you've done exactly the right things so far, in my opinion anyway.

You're not pushing him, and 'we' don't seem to react well to being pushed. We've had bad experiences of that :(
Encouragement is different, and as a fairly typical male of the species I admit to needing encouragement.

A lot of Survivors feel, and act out, their rage. And one suggestion is to take it out physically by working out in a gym, running, using a boxers punchbag, smashing up and old washing machine with a sledge-hammer even. By turning the focus of the rage onto something we remain safe.

I would recommend therapy above all else, and make every effort to find someone who specialises in, or has considerable experience of working with Survivors.
I have no idea how the systems work in the US, but over here most Survivor work is done through charitable organisations such as rape crisis centres or Survivors support groups. There's a list linked from "Professionals" at the top of the page.

Mike Lew's book "Victims no Longer" is my lifeline, my copy is battered and tearstained and is never far away from me.
Link to Amazon from MS ( top of the page again, "Bookstore" ) and we get a small %. ( and that applies to anything Amazon sells as long as you link from MS I think ?)

Also think about yourself, make sure that you don't become a secondary victim. You can't do his healing, and he's most likely going to be difficult to live with in some ways.
love goes a long way, I know that from my wife of 30 years. But I can still be difficult at times.
So take time for yourself, be kind to yourself. You won't be any good if you burnout as well.

And don't worry about bringing this subject up again, it's new to you and you need your own answers. I hope we can help you find them.
The support and help here is as good as it gets, if you need us, we're here.

Dave
 
Hi Emry,

Please express your situation and your feelings as much as you like. Many of us have had similar things to say, but you are one of us too and every voice is unique and important. One of the things I like about this community is our diversity of experiences and ideas even when much of what we go through is similar.

I was afraid to tell my boyfriend I had posted here too. I was also worried that he would think I was "gossiping to strangers." All I can say is that I thought he'd be the last guy on earth to be fine with it, and he was fine with it. And I think relieved that I had a place to put the emotions that were too much for him to handle.

In terms of discussing his memories infrequently-- If he's doing well in acknowledging how his past affects his current situation, that's an indication that it is on his mind, and that he is having a productive discussion about it, at least with himself. I was around when my boyfriend figured out that his "current situation" was a product of his abuse in the first place. It was a huge step in his thinking. I wouldn't worry about how to bring it up-- as long as you listen and let him know that you believe and support him, he'll tell you what he's thinking when he's ready.

I would be careful about "fault." If he's talking about it, and sharing his feelings of shame and guilt with you, of course it's appropriate to reassure him that he was NEVER to blame for the abuse or its nasty aftereffects... but this discussion is a very heavy and triggering one for lots of survivors, and I wouldn't bring it up out of nowhere. Forgive me if I'm reading you wrong, but when you ask if it's alright to repeat that it's not his fault, I think Good Will Hunting, and believe me, I cry at that scene too, but I REALLY wouldn't try it at home.

If you feel that some therapy for you would help you to deal with the difficult job of supporting and loving a survivor, you're probably right, but as Dave said, don't confuse therapy for yourself with his own healing, which you cannot do for him, even if you are the most mentally healthy woman alive. You certainly will need to keep some focus and energy, and kindness, for yourself, if you want to avoid losing yourself in everything that you're sending in your boyfriend's direction.

Welcome to MS, we're here for you.
SAR
 
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