I need some advice and guidance

I need some advice and guidance
S

Sunshinebaby

Registrant
First I want to apologize for the length of my post, but I need help and I have questions. I needed to give a clear picture of what happened too. Second, I hope there is nothing offensive or triggering, in my post, to anyone here. I 'll try my best to make this as non threatening as possible. When my fiance and I first moved into a relationship, he told me that he had something he wanted to tell me about, that was troublesome to him, but the circumstances weren't right at the moment. I told him ok, I didn't push the issue, and I pretty much forgot about it until two nights ago. I recently told him about an incident from my childhood that haunted me for years, but in time I had worked beyond it, and I wanted him to know about it... Apparently, my disclosure to him made him feel safe in confiding in me. He told me that someone close to him, took advantage of him when he was 5 or 6 years old. He told me briefly how this made him feel (shame, disgust, pain...). I sat quietly and listened to him. Then he told me when he was a teen, he and a male friend from school experimented with each other sexually. Again, he told me that he was disgusted and ashamed by what happened. I really didn't know what to say. He said what he needed to hear from me was, that I still loved him. I told him over and over again that I still loved him more than anything. He asked me if I was grossed out or sickened by him now. I replied no, and I said something I regret now, but I told him that the part of him being with another male as a teen kind of aroused me and I didn't think badly about him in the least! Right at that moment I was thinking (and also floundering for words...), oh, human nature, experimentation, a phase... it's ok... He said he felt like he was going to cry. This was difficult for me as well as him because we have a long distance relationship right now and he told me this over the phone. All I wanted to do was hug him and hold him but I couldn't! Then I asked him if he wished he hadn't told me. He said yes he wished he hadn't because he felt so raw inside, but he felt like I deserved to know this before we got married so I could make an informed choice to marry him. Then, we moved on to talking about other things because he said he didn't want to talk about it any more. Because I didn't have time to reflect on what he told me and how it made me feel and how hard it was for him to talk about it, I was ready to talk about something else also. Now, I feel like I totally botched the whole thing up!

Later that night I was thinking over all we discussed and I wondered if he's gay or bisexual? I started working things over and over in my mind and disecting things and trying to make sense of what he told me and how I felt. I started researching sexuality online to try and understand what was going on. I thought that, well, if he is attracted to men or men and women, I wanted to help him be comfortable with himself and help him be himself. I wanted to be able to have an informed conversation with him about how he was feeling and what he wanted. I was willing to continue in a relationship with him if he was bisexual as long as it was agreed that he remained monogomous. I love him so very much and he is the most wonderful man I've ever been with. If he was suppressing homosexuality, then I wanted him to be honest with me and straightforward. If he was gay, I wanted to show him that I would remain his best friend and strongest supporter.

Last night, I talked to my fiance again and I said I had been thinking about our previous night's conversation. He laughed and said, what part? I don't remember what we talked about... I said you know, about the thing with your friend from school. He said, oh, that's what I figured you meant. So, I knew he was still uncomfortable and possibly not ready to discuss things further. I asked him if he found men attractive or if he thought he may be bisexual and that I thought there was nothing wrong with it if he did or was. He said h*ll no and that he loved me and wanted to be with me and only me. So I left it at that even though I still had questions and we moved on to non threatening things.

After we got off the phone, I was still looking for some answers. I started researching some more about sexuality and support for spouses and family members of homosexuals. Through my search, I stumbled upon a message board where a woman was wondering if her boyfriend was gay or bi. One of the replies stated that in the situation that was described, it could possibly be a result of being a sexual child abuse victim. That put off all kind of signals in my brain... It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was focusing on the wrong part of my fiance's painful and haunting disclosure. I wondered, could his experimentation with his friend been acting out from his SA? Now I feel guilt and regret for questioning his sexuality. I began searches for survivors and victims of incest and that's what brought me here. I want to be there for my fiance. I want to support him and let him know I am there for him, but I am afraid to bring the topic up now. I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed from here. Can anyone help me or give me some advice? Like I said, I feel like I've really bungled this up! I love him with all my heart and I want him to be completely happy and healthy both physically and mentally. Please, any thoughts or insights would be ever so helpful!
 
First of all, please stop kicking yourself for not knowing how to respond...who would? This is not something they teach in school. "How to Respond to Painful Past Issues of Your Future Spouse 101".

I think many of your questions have been answered by the man you are so concerned about.
What happened with his brother did not feel right, it left him with shame and disgust. Those reactions are typical for those of us who have been victims of sexual abuse. And that was abuse, despite their young ages.

You don't say whether or not he has spoken with his brother about it, you probably haven't gotten that far. But it is something that should be addressed. Otherwise he's carrying feelings of guilt that do not belong to him, they belong to his older brother who abused him. Speaking of the brother...I wonder what, at ten years of age, would lead him to do such a thing, another story altogether but something that should also be considered.

Your fiance also explained that what he did with his friend in school left him with negative feelings. This does not sound like an abusive situation, although you do not say how old they were. I'm assuming they were much closer in age than he and his brother are. That sounds to me like experimentation and consensual at that.

The guilt, shame and disgust he was left with, however, may be very closely related to what happened with his brother so long ago. Since he still harbors these feelings, counseling would probably be appropriate when he is ready.

Your fiance has shown a great deal of trust to have disclosed these things to you, please keep that in mind. He has also professed his commitment to you and has said he does not find men sexually attractive. I would suggest that the trust needs to be shared and that he is most likely telling you the truth.

Adding to the difficulty of the conversation is your distance apart. You might think about holding off on too much more talk about this issue until you can sit face to face, hand in hand with hugs at the ready. Keep reassuring him that you hold him dear.

I hope some of this has been helpful. I am not a professional in this field but am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who has learned much over the past few months. I'm sure you will find that many people here will respond to your questions, hopefully you will find some peace of mind. I wish you and your fiance a healthy, life-long marriage. Seems like you're off to a good start with the love you are showing for him and the trust that you share.
Peace
 
First of all, know that you are welcome here and you (& he) are astonishingly far from alone...

I would encourage you to review some of the threads posted here in the F&F section over the past few months - you will find your situation reflected there over & over again.

Now - I have a question for you: it appears from your post that your bf is either (1) wanting to just get on with your lives & pick up where you left off OR (2) he has withdrawn & won't discuss this any further with you & you are interpreting this a sign of passive aggression????

Maybe I need to re-read your post.

Are you simply feeling uncomfortable in your new world? What is it that is making you feel responsible? Why do you feel you have blown it?

Hang in there!

"We" are soooooo much like you, that you will be amazed.
 
you have definitely come to the right place. first of all, don't be so hard on yourself over the question of sexuality. it was your first experience with this special travesty and it was logical for you to have that cross your mind. was it awkward or something better left unsaid? yes, but it is not as bad as you think. what i mean clearly here is that asking him about his sexuality is something that should not have happened because it is a very confusing thing for him right now. but, you acted on the best information you had at the time. with that said, i want to say how glad i am that you took so much time out to research the answers you were trying to find in order to be there with him and for him. that says a great deal about you as a person and your love for him.

one of the many things male survivors deal with is the confusion over sexual issues. many of us have been victimized from childhood and our understanding of sexuality is already distorted. the experimentation in school was a reaction to the child sexual abuse. there are too many other examples of acting out and confusion to list here. read the info on the home page and scan the public forums for a glimpse into the lives of men that live this nightmare and it will give you some notion of what your survivor is possibly going through. a word of caution about the forums though, the malesurvivor public forum is for the men only so if you have any questions about specifics then ask them here as you have done. i may have stated the obvious, and apologize if this is something you already know, but i thought it would be a good idea to state that clearly.

your survivor may or may not be able to talk about much more of this right now. the key is twofold, first, remain true to yourself, the second is to support him at his level of need. if he is not able to talk about this then just be there for him as you have already done. if able to talk, let him talk, but don't offer info you know unless he opens the ball. it is at his pace. but remember, watch out for yourself as well. that is equally important remain true to yourself and remain honest with yourself and him. if i can help further please feel free to pm me.
 
Sunshine,

Like the others, I'm glad you're here and VERY glad you're so understanding and supporting your b/f through this difficult time. What happened to him was horrible and he will need that support (however you and he choose to exchange it) in order to heal.

Now, again, don't beat yourself up yoo much by how you responded at first. The other folk here said that it was your first time hearing about this and responding to it and you did the best you could. Now, you're on the way to helping him better and getting support for yourself, which is equally important. It's okay to care about yourself, too. And this is what the site is all about, caring and supporting each other.

I have a friend, one of my best friends, who I decided to share my whole abuse and sexual ambiguity issues with. Now, keep in mind, he's a great guy, but the idea of being a "caring nurturer" is a little beyond him. He's been great, but every once in a while, he makes some pretty bonehead comments that he apologizes for when he sees they've hurt me or triggered me. Does this make him a bad person? No! He's been really supportive and he does the best he can. He just needs to find better ways to express himself. He's learning. That's the important thing.

So are you. So is your b/f. You will both get better at expressing yourselves, and you will both get better.

Now, hoo boy, the one part of your post that triggered me (which you had NO WAY of knowing about, by the way!) was your comment to him that his admission "aroused you." If I may make one suggestion. Total honesty is great, but it's better that you DO NOT tell him stuff like that again. For whatever reason, this can be a negative thing. It can turn him off communicating. It can lead him to explain other scenarios which he thinks you want to hear but are harmful to you both. It can also lead to power and control issues (sometimes him giving you too much power in your relationship, and yes, there is such a thing). I made the mistake of telling someone some things that I thought were arousing, but turned out to be abuse-related (I was repressing childhood memories at the time and subconciously was "acting out" on them). It ended up hurting me a lot because this person took advantage of them and used them against me. I know you won't do that, but the relationship imbalance thing can lead to other issues, so it's best to avoid them.

Mostly, I just wanted to say hi and tell you that you're doing all the right things. Please know that there's a WORLD of wisdom on this site, and all you have to do to get help is ask. We're the giving sort.

Peace and love, Sunshine (nice name, by the way! Very pisitive and uplifting),

Scot
 
Last night, I talked to my fiance again and I said I had been thinking about our previous night's conversation. He laughed and said, what part? I don't remember what we talked about... I said you know, about the thing with your friend from school. He said, oh, that's what I figured you meant.
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I got a response much like this when I brought up my boyfriend's SA for the first time, the day after he disclosed to me. Except we were talking in person, so I could see the incredible look of fear he had. I mean, I have never seen him so scared of me. Not even the night I confronted him with his letters to Ms. X.

That was the moment that continues to break my heart. They made him so powerless, they took away all his power. All his trust. The entire world, anyone in the world, could control him, have power over him, hurt him. Anyone in the world who knew his secret could hurt him, would hurt him, because they wouldn't want to do anything else with him, once they knew. I saw all of this and more on his face.

Sunshine, he's given you a gift but it's also a weapon. Even if his secret will never be a weapon in your hands, it will have that potential, to him, for a long time. Please be careful, especially long distance. I think Sinking is right, you might want to hold off on these conversations until you can be face to face.

I think Sinking is right about something else too-- I wonder where a 10 year old was doing in that situation-- this leads me to wonder not only how this idea got into that 10 year old's head, but if there is other abuse in your boyfriend's life that he is not telling you about. BUT I don't think you should ask your boyfriend about any of this, especially not over the phone. What matters is that you know some of how he feels, and that there are reasons for how he feels, not that you know the exact reasons. When he needs to tell you something more, he will.

This is a good place if you still have questions. Please keep asking them.

Sar
 
First of all, I want to thank everyone for being so supportive and helpful. The responses to my original post have been very helpful and enlightening. I ended up visiting with my fiance for about a week following his disclosure and the topic came up again briefly a few times. It was very helpful to be with him in person. I think I reassured him that I am supportive and that I love him. While trying to think of ways to be there for him and support him, unfortunately, I was triggered and remembered more about my past and stuff one of my uncles did to me. My fiance has told me that his father is in jail for molesting his step sister. How far fetched would it be that his father also molested his brother and maybe even him and my fiance isn't ready to tell me that yet? My fiance told me that his father beat them. So that's abuse that he has to deal with in of itself. He told me that his father will be in jail for the rest of his life. Is that normal for one offense of molestation? Or is it safe to assume there's more to his father's sentence than molesting his step daughter? I don't know how long a sentence normally would be. I'm really beginning to wonder if this is more than I can handle by myself alone.

I am starting to have fears. I'm concerned about having a family with him. My sister and I were talking about some of the abuse the 2 of us have endured and we were talking about her kids and how she is careful about who she leaves them alone with. She was hesitant about leaving her kids alone with my fiance because of my fiance's abusive father. My sister doesn't know about the sexual abuse my fiance suffered, but she does know that his father is in jail for molesting his step daughter and she also knows that my fiance's father beat him. My sister said, "Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I need to be sure that my future husband will not abuse our children in any way. Are there signs to look for? Should I advise him to go into counseling? My fiance is such a wonderful man. He is supportive, loving, caring, and strong. But he has endured ALOT of abuse from his family. His views on sex may askew. He comments some teenage girls develop early and sometimes it's hard to tell how old they are and this is why guys get into trouble. He comments to me when he finds a female attractive, which isn't the part that bothers me, by the way. Like oh, she's cute, or oh, she's a hottie. Once in a while they look a little young to me and that's what bothers me. Granted, there is about a 10 year age difference between us. He is younger than me so I rationalize that a female that is 16, would not be that much younger than he is. Is it wrong for him to think that someone who is 4 or 5 years younger be attractive to him? Should I be worried? Is it possible that from my own past abuse that I suspect everyone as a possible S/A? I will protect my future children with my life and if anyone abused my children in any way, I would make sure the perp could never violate again. But why even put myself into that possible situation if I know its going to occur to begin with? Please, everyone, what are your thoughts and or experiences with and about this? I need to hear from people that know where I'm coming from. I can't talk about this with friends or family. I can't have them looking at my fiance like he is a monster because of something they or I don't understand and can't begin to fathom.
I need some reassurance or answers. There is just so much to think about, so many questions....
 
sunshine,
these are all very valid questions for one who is just starting to become involved with a male survivor. there are many misconceptions about men who sexually assaulted as children. among the most prevalent myths about male sexual victimization is that we survivors become perps ourselves, homosexual, deviant in many other ways, etc. it is comforting for those who do not want to really look at the issue and think that all male survivors are deviants. nothing could be further from the truth. read the literature here on the home page where you will find many links to articles that discuss these issues. also read the stories of the real men who are survivors here on the forum. the one thing you will see in short order is that male survivors, as a group are extremely confused about sexuality because of our abuse, but this does not mena we are deviants. every man here has dealt with his own personal demons of confusion, but the point is that we are struggling to overcome the cycle that was part of our legacy from the perps of our past. you are also a survivor yet you have every intention of continuing your journey of recovery and protecting your future children. the men here are exactly the same in that respect. we are men who are trying to regain what was stolen from us by evil people and by that virtue alone we are no where near comparison to the ones who did this to us. your boyfriend is just getting started on his recovery. there will be things he will be discovering about himself and his past that are terrifying, but so long as he continues to recover there is little danger of him becoming like those who harmed him. please read the material here and feel free to pm me with any questions. take care, sunshine.
 
Dear Sunny,

Both you and your fiance are survivors of SA. In addition your fiance's step-father beat him. I strongly suggest that you and your fiance get into individual therapy to help you recover from those experiences. Once you find a therapist you feel confident in, you can bring up the questions which you have about your potential children. I also suggest that you mention your fears to your fiance. Frankly, I would be more worried about him striking out in anger when a child is acting up, than in SA. It is important that he and you learn about ways to deal with misbehavior other than violence. The fact that you are thinking about this now before you have even gotten married tells me that you will do everything you can to learn about raising children before having them. The fact that you are thinking about how to be a good parent is halfway to being one.

Mary
 
Sunshine,

Theo has it right.

we are struggling to overcome the cycle that was part of our legacy from the perps of our past. you are also a survivor yet you have every intention of continuing your journey of recovery and protecting your future children. the men here are exactly the same in that respect.
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Imagine how it would feel if someone suggested to you or your sister that her children are not safe around you because of what has happened to you. The men really do have it much harder than us when it comes to this disgusting stereotype. There is nothing that angers me more, as a good parent, to have to fight for my right just to walk into a classroom and get respect from the other adults around me, when I KNOW what goes on behind the walls of "good" families' houses. The apple may fall wherever it falls but if it is a human being and not an apple then it can get up and walk away from the damn tree.

As a survivor yourself, you may be hypervigilant and sensitive about lots of things, not just possible SA. Sometimes it's just hard for us to calm down, period. If you think this is what's going on, try to work on it for yourself, because it is no fun to stay awake and worry about things you can't change. I know. But the truth is, some of the people out there are good people who are just as afraid to trust as you and I, and there is a world of goodness that will open up to you when you take the first step toward it.

take care
SAR
 
Welcome Sunshinebaby,

I love that handle, so uplifting. Yes it is a long post and has taken me some time to get through all of it and get around to replying. Thank-you for coming here.

It takes a lot of trust for your fiance to share this with you, a trust that you had to earn. This speaks volumes about yourself. The release of the information to you or anybody else has to be on his own time schedule, when he is ready to do that. Dont try to force them out of him. This will only break the trust you have earned and drive him deeper into himself.

I am sorry about the abuse that seemed to run uncontrolled within your fiances home. Long term effects are felt by him and those around him. One of the effects is a confusion about our sexuality. Experimenting with his friend may be nothing more than that. Although it was ill conceived to say that it aroused you, something you already regret saying. Being sexually abused does not make us homosexual, bisexual, or straight. We are what we are before and after. At 5 we dont know what we are, it takes a long time to straighten that out in our minds.

When he tells you of this stuff, he needs you to be there for him. To listen, this is not a time for talking. He may need a hug or a shoulder to cry on or to have his personal space respected. He will indicate which. He needs to know that you understand. He needs to be heard. He needs to be reassured that he didnt do anything wrong and that he is not to blame. Dont express your disgust and anger with his brother and any others, this is what he is doing. Listen. What he is doing is very difficult and will leave him feeling drained, both emotionally and physically.
I dont believe that you botched this up. You allowed him to talk, you listened, you did not judge him. That is wonderful.

His recovery is up to him to make, with yours and others support. It will be hard on him and it will be hard on you. With your own abuse, this will be even harder on you. Where ever this goes, do seek some counseling of your own. It will help both you and him.
Once abused doesnt make you an abuser. We all make our own choice on how we will live our lives. The abuse has really messed up our thought processes and can lead to some bad decisions. But, not all of them are bad. The pain suffered also tends to make us less likely to repeat it. Only a few go onto being abusers themselves. Unfortunately there isnt a tattoo on the foreheads of all those that have and that will abuse.

The cycle of abuse can be broken. It is not a continuous loop that cannot be stopped. For me the cycle of abuse was that I kept getting abused, was attracted to it like a bug to a light. Dumb bug. Finally, I saw that the light wasnt good for me. I and the rest of my siblings were abandoned by our father. Well, this apple fell from that tree, rolled down the hill and crossed the river! I am close to my son, my sisters are close to their children, one of my brothers is getting close to his daughter, and the other brother is lost to drugs and alcohol and does not make a good father. The situation which lead our father to abandon us is the situation I am in now - he got divorced. Please dont judge me on my fathers actions or anybody else on somebody elses actions. Judge us on our own actions, we are ourselves. A big problem in all people is that when faced with situations that we do not know, we react to them the way we have seen in the past. Another cycle that can be broken easier than you think.

It is good that you have your sister to lean on and talk to, but, in this situation it sounds like she is not the one for this. Find someone else you can talk to and keep your sister out of this. And keep her away from your fianc, for both of you.

What if my fiance has a desire for children? How can I find out? Can I stop him from feeling this way if he does? I need to be sure that my future husband will not abuse our children in any way. How can I be sure it won't happen? How can I prevent it? Is there anything I can do? Are there signs to look for? Should I advise him to go into counseling?
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These are questions we all need to look at, man and woman, no matter what the other parties past history is. Questions that need some assurances in our mind. Dont rush into anything or run away from imagined fears. Keep yourself and your family safe.

When in doubt, dont do it. Your sister has her doubts about leaving her children with you and your fiance because of her own prejudices and unresolved history with abuse. These are her children and she must do what she feels she must do to keep them safe. Whether her concerns are real or imagined.

Take care and welcome here,
Bill

P.S. Do invite your fiance to visit us on our site and recommend counseling (but that is a choice of his own)
 
Thank you Bill, SAR, Gryffindor, Theo, Crisispoint, Kolisha, and Sinking for responding to my questions and giving your support. It has all been very helpful. I have really been reading up on SA survivors, not only to understand my fiance better, but for myself as well. Sometimes my fiance would do or say things that were out of character for him or didn't make sense to me. Now I understand why sometimes he will do things or act out of character. There are times he is afraid that I will stop loving him because of what he has gone through. I love him whole-heartedly! It breaks my heart that he thinks I would abandon him or stop loving him. I try so hard to show him my love and I make sure to tell him I love him often, but sometimes I take it for granted that he just knows. Sometimes he will say to me, please just tell me you love me. I realized I may not be telling him often enough. So I have really stepped it up lately. From reading through the messages boards, I have realized how important it is for me to reaffirm, often, that I love him and support him always.
You know, sometimes, I get so angry at his family for putting him through all he has endured. I don't express this to him because he has enough to deal with without me adding to the weight he carries. It just makes me sick at heart and angry.
This site is such a blessing and everyone here is so wonderful! Thank you all so much for helping and caring!
 
Sunshine,

I'm with you:

I make sure to tell him I love him often, but sometimes I take it for granted that he just knows. Sometimes he will say to me, please just tell me you love me. I realized I may not be telling him often enough
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My boyfriend did a great job resolving a problem at work a few weeks ago--I was on the phone with a few friends over the weekend and I told just about all of them about it--realized after I'd hung up the phone that he'd just heard me tell a friend how I was so proud of him for doing something I hadn't yet told him I was proud of him for doing.

Lesson learned...
 
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