I need help (New member)

I need help (New member)
M

mTm

Registrant
I need your help and advice. I just found out (?) Thursday that my father sexually abused me 35 years ago and I'm soooo scared of what will happen next. This memory came up when she said she was leaving and didn't want this relationship of 5 years anymore.

I am in my third failing marriage, failing due to a lack of trust, intimacy, control, faith, and other issues I'm not familiar with.

I received therapy before this marriage. Therapy concerning depression, anxiety, and panic attacks caused by a failing relationship and a job that had a number of stressors; the same stressors that caused me to crater last Thursday. I am scheduled to speak to my counselor Monday, but it's Saturday and I'm not sure if I can make it until then.

My wife just left to go out to a party and I freaked out. That's not normal. I called the person she was going with and they weren't home. I called my wife back and she went ballistic. I can't help feeling that I can't trust her, although she's never done anything to
make me not trust her.

I'm such a loser she says. I want to fix everything I've done to her, but she won't let me.
God I'm so scared I'll lose her (even though I drove her away). What do I do? You can email me or post here. Thanks I'll be waiting.
 
mTm:

Hang in here buddy you're in a good place!

Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage, and becuz of the same kinds of issues of trust, intimacy, etc. I've been married to a wonderful woman over 22 years and have two terrific grown daughters, but I still struggle with these issues, tho things are getting a lot better lately. There's always hope.

My first abuse flashback, believe it or not, came about 35 years after it happened. It was a little over a year ago now, following a therapy session. I was raped by a gay couple my mother sold me to when I was around ten; I'm 46 now.

Since then flashbacks have confirmed my body & feeling memories: my mother incested me thruout my childhood, including with my father at least once when I was no more than three, becuz after that he was gone for good. And good riddance!

But my mother was still there, and she still is. But she lives thousands of miles away. I have no contact with her and I've dealt with her in therapy.

My first wife used to do that kind of thing to me all the time. She was flirty, and I was overly jealous & possessive. Bad combo. Twice she went to live with other men she was seeing, the second time she didn't come back, and ended up marrying him. Good for me.

But at the time I still wanted her back. It was a sick relationship. We were both sexually & relationally dysfunctional. Thankfully it was very brief, no children.

I don't know if you could fix things if your wife wanted you to. I do know that for me, if I don't take care of myself, I'm not much good for anyone else. Part of taking care of myself is standing up for myself, loving & believing in myself.

mTm, you are no loser; you are a survivor!

Take good care of you

Wuame
 
Thanks guys,it's going to be a long night, but there will be a tomorrow. Sorry I sound bummed out, but these feelings.............

I think I've found a safe place.

I've never posted, never even knew this place existed until yesterday.

I guess the main thing is I'm not really alone. I've read some of the posts and I see some of the same things that have happened to me being resolved.

Having these two issues; the failing marriage and the sexual abuse and having to deal with them at the same time are, or seem, overwhelming, but I feel good about being able to share them. I may not be able to fix the marriage, but I know I can fix myself.

Thanks again,
Mark
 
Good luck, Mark.

You are right. You are not alone.

We're here for you.

Let us know what we can do.

Huck
 
Mark, you are definitely not alone. It took me 40 years to recognize my abuse and what it had done to me. My wife threw me out when I started acting out, watching gay porn etc. We are working on things. She is a wonderful woman, I love her alot. We are in councilling and hopefully it will all work out. Stay strong, you are among the strongest men I have ever known. The advise comes from the heart.
Bob
 
Mark
Welcome to our support system, a good bunch of guys who understand what's going on.

I'm glad you've read some of the old posts and discovered you aren't alone, and that you relate to how many of us think and act.

But you're story is just as important and individual as all the others. And sharing it lifts a great weight off our shoulders.

Be strong.

Lloydy
 
I am married 13 years, 3 boys, survivor of clergy abuse and other abuse. My relationship with my wife goes up and down, so I can relate. You are not alone, rest assured of that. Some days she's supportive, other days less than supportive. I keep reminding myself (and her too) for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer.
 
Mark,

Welcome here and be sure to come by the chat room. I am married 22 years and it is up and down, but marriages can survive this. I just remembered my abuse a few years ago. Feel feel to email me or post here.

Ken
 
Hey guys, thanks for the postings. I know all is not lost. The abuse (do you refer to it as SA?)happened and it's not my fault. I now see this. What I just realized (after my first therapy session today) is that now my wife is a victim because I did'nt (couldn't)(wouldn't) trust her. She's feeling some of the same things about me as I now feel about my abuser. I know in my heart I can forgive, I just hope she can.

Hauling ass down the road to recovery!! I hope there are few obstacles, no speed limits, and good drivers on the same road with me.

Thanks again.
 
Mark:

You know all is not lost & there is hope. You know & admit that the abuse DID happen. You know it was NOT your fault in any way. That's a lot to know and it's powerful knowledge to experience!

Remembering all this is not only what can take us survivors a long way on that "Recovery Road" we're hauling ass down (I like that, BTW--By The Way!). When things get rough, it may be all we have go keep us ON the road! But its still a whole lot!

Now this is a heck of an insight after just one therapy session!: You already realize your wife is also a victim in this, feeling some of the same sorts of things you felt as a victim, like the mistrust.

I hope you have the chance to share this with her. If so she certainly should be able to forgive you IMHO (In My Humble Opinion), tho of course that's her decision to make.

I mean, if you can forgive your perp!...After all, you haven't sexually abused her like your perp abused you.

Of course I don't know if you've told your wife yet since you just found out yourself. But if she's anything like my wife she's probably sensed things from you. She had in lots of ways been feeling the pain of my abuse all along.

And once I remembered my abuse & told my wife what I knew, she was able to help bring things to light I couldn't or wouldn't face on my own.

Of course you have to be able to tell her, and she has to be willing & able to listen & to deal with it. She ought to be able to see that you are no loser--you are a survivor! My thots & hopes are with you in this.

As you "haul ass down the road to recovery," there is no doubt there will be obstacles. Sometimes in this last year they've seemed more than I could get thru or around. But I've gotten thru them, even the worst of them I think & hope.

The only speed limits have been for my own safety, to deal with the road hazards, the re-construction of my life, the times I've just needed to slow down & take a break.

Good drivers on the same road with you? Sometimes good drivers, sometimes just drivers! ;) (I'm speaking for myself there!). I think there are a lot of good drivers here. I think you're on the right road with a good convoy, fellow male survivor brother. WTG (Way To Go)!

Well, as you can see, I love a good metaphor, and tend to get a little :rolleyes: carried away with them at times!

Just like the initials. And BTW, yes, SA = Sexual Abuse here. It threw me at 1st too. In the past I've been in some forums (of a different emphasis of course) where SA = Sex Addict/Addiction. (Yes I do have one. It seems to often go with the territory of having been sexually abused. But that's another story...).

Take Care Mark

Wuame
 
Mark,

I can relate to hauling ass down the road to recovery.

I remembered and resolved the SA in about a month. It has been a time of growth & maturing for me. It has been really rough on my wife. She already had trust issues because of her own abuse, and revealing everything about my SA and the effects of it was hard on her.

The whole experience has brought us closer than we have ever been.

One word of caution about haulin' ass: your wife may* not move at your speed. Actually if may seem like you're on an exit ramp and she is just getting on the road. Be very patient, honest and attentive to her emotional state.

Devon

*"will" is a more realistic choice here
 
Mark
Any time the road gets too rough, borrow my 4x4 !!

it is a rough road though, but I can see you are being positive about it. And that's what gets us through all the crap.

Be strong Mark
Lloydy
 
Hey guys, thanks for all of your support. I'm doing much better today, and knowing I can share all of this helps. I wish I could answer you all back individually, but I'm sure y'all understand.

Had my 2nd shot of therapy. Therapist suggested hypnotism and something else. I can't remember what she called it, she wiggles her index finger in my eye and says it will help bring the memories out. It sounds stupid but I've used the procedure before and it helped. Started taking Zoloft to stop the anxiety and the depression. I hope it helps.

Wife is leaving with the 3 girls (2y/o, 5y/o, 7y/o) for a couple of months. Going back to her mothers. I think it's a good thing, her being away from her abuser (me) and me being able to concentrate on me for a while. It will be lonely. Happy Birthday to me (self pity about turning 43 today).

Has anyone read “Abused as Boys”? My therapist says it may answer my questions about my control issues, mistrust, lack of intimacy and other issues as it relates to my adult life. Any other reading material would be great. I'm going to try to find a good book about rebuilding relationships, but that will be later.
Thanks for the support.
One for me((((((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))))

A million ((((((((((((((to all of you)))))))))))))))))).

Mark
 
Happy B Day I read thebook you talked about and it was very good . Hard to find in small town libary you may have to wait to get it in from some other towns libary . My wife also read it and it helped her understand me a lot more. Good luck in your recovery muldoon
 
Hi Mark,
;)
Mark, I am wanting to be really supportive of you. I can't imagine how you feel about your wife and precious children leaving you for even a little while.

You call yourself an abuser. If I understand you correctly the "abuse" you talk about is a lack of trust that kept you from being completely honest with your wife. That is a far cry from abuse. I think I am touchy about using that word except for real abuse. I don't think, from what you have said, that you are an abuser. I guess that is your call.

It may be good to have the time to work on your problems alone. I hope it is.

Abused Boys etc. is an excellent book. There is another that I really think is great and it is written by our very own president, Richard Gartner, BETRAYED AS BOYS. This book is working miracles of understanding and healing for me.

Bob
 
Mark
check out the link from this site's home page to Amazon, I belive the site gets a cut from sales.

Mike Lewes "Victims No Longer" was my Bible. My copy is stained with coffee, red wine and tears. It's scribbled on, battered from being thrown at the wall but read from most days.

I can't imagine how sad you must feel, but happy birthday all the same.

Remember, you ARE NOT AN ABUSER, and we're supporting you.

Lloydy
 
Happy Birthday...What a present you have given yourself...I can't imagine having your family away from you, but I can understand both her point of view and yours in having this time to yourself. Wounded Boys, Heroic Men along with the other books mentioned. Don't be too hard on yourself...this all takes time and effort. It seems you are ready for this if the things your therapist suggests are working for you. I agree that something for your wife to read or someone for her to talk to would probably help.
Keep up the good work and keep coming back. Sharing really does help.
 
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