I NEED HELP--eating disorder?

I NEED HELP--eating disorder?
F

fhorns

Registrant
Help guys.
About an hour ago I got up to get lunch, and I made a sandwhich. I started thinking another would be good, and even though I felt this "No, just one" thing in my head, I pushed through. The feeling wouldn't go away. I got torn up inside, and hoped it would just pass, but as I ate half of the second sandwhich I couldn't go any further. I am torn up now. My stomach is in knots. I just called my AA sponsor, and he said it sounds like I have an eating disorder that probably call for a specialist.

My background first: The first time I ever knew of someone like that was when a friends's girlfriend would have sex with him and then go emotionally haywire. I still believe to this day that she was sexually abused (by someone previous to him). That may seem unrelated, but there are high numbers of sexually abused individuals who have eating problems, and I guess I've thought girls got this--not men. (That may be unclear, but in my mind I connect abuse with food)

I am in AA, but I have never been a drinker. I came in because I have been in Overeaters's Anonymous over a year, and they encourage AA readings. I go to meetings because I am an addict. I think like one.

I've never been an overweight individual, nor a anorexic one, but cookies, junk, even caffeine are my highs, and I plan on ways to steal them, sneak them, or get them at my or someone else's expense. I am an addict.

But..what gives? Why am I torn up? Why? Why? I even cried some on my bed. It hurts in my gut; I'm in a knot. God help. What's wrong with me? I am so ashamed because...women get food problems. Men don't. And no men have ever "buddied" in OA like I've seen in meetings of AA. That's another reason I go.

Am I in trouble? Is this going to get worse? I always believed the girl my friend was with went from bad to worse. And she was getting worse when she was still dating him. If God was there (I'm sure he did show up) she got healing for it. But me?!!! When will I heal? How much worse is it going to get? I'm scared. I am in a mess right now.
 
fhorns,

do you have a therapist right now? Maybe someone experienced with this issue could help you get a sense of what is going on with you. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Each of us is an individual, and we all have our own ways of reacting to our pasts.

I have heard of other men who have eating disorders, or used eating as an escape or for comfort. Are there any discussion groups for this online?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I respect you for posting on an issue that you have shame about. We are here for you. Take care, brother.
 
fhorns, I think I have struggled with over eating and undereating way to much. I do know this--it is clearly NOT a female thing--how I wish it were!

I don't know what I think about OA. I have gone off and on since the 70's. I found a lot of "fat serenity" there and it was not good for me.

At other times, I have starved myself into a 100 pound weight loss--and a 90 pound one another time. I am at 231 now, having started this time at 304. My doc wants me to stop that stuff. The up and down is apparently dangerous.

Your feeling of guilt over a rather small amount of food says to me that something else is going on here. For a man to have two sandwiches for lunch is surely not over eating.

Do you think that you eat compulsively? Do you obsess about food? If you do, you can get some help for that for sure.

I find it easier if I work at good nutrition rather than a diet. And I work the 12 steps in AA because I am an alcoholic. According to the promises, I should be able to get free from the problem. Maybe read the promises and How it Works every day.

Let me know if you want to talk about this more.

Bob
 
fhorns,

It is not strictly a female thing.

I was sexually abused at 16 and became a male hustler from 18-21. After that I developed depending on the cycle anorexia or bulimia. I had it till just last year.

When I was abused and was a hustler I had a great body. 215lbs of solid muscle. After I got off the street I hid that body by being either a high of 350lbs or a low of 120lbs.

I too belong to AA and have been there for 27 years. With me it was alcohol.

Last December I realized what I was doing by hiding my body and made a committment to get a facimilie of it back. I changed my eating habits. lots of fruit, veggies white meant skim milk and fat free yogurt and the whole nine yards. I got the diet from www.mayoclinic.com
I also joined a health club. I am now 170 lbs and have taken my body fat content from 21% to 12%. I just decided I wanted my effen body back for me. Hope this helps you a bit.
 
It is far from a female thing, only it gets more 'press' when it happens to females because they are more open about it. I have been struggling wit food as well, I can't force myself to eat anything, it makes me sick because of my past, but in time you will heal as will all of us, it is not an easy or fun road, but it is one we must travel, just give it time and you no longer suffer so much. If you are worried about a possible eating dissorder, you should discuss it with your therapist or doctor.

scott
 
Scott,
what you are saying is too true. And I plan to let my T know today. She could have some insight.

Regarding OA and AA, did meetings ever get too much for you? I am in a spot right now, and I've done this before, where I didn't feel comfortable. I feel I have to "be there" for everyone else, and I DON'T FEEL SAFE! I hid in Harry Potter again today because it is a safe place, a childhood I never had (one he almost didn't have too), and in his world (in the book and in the movie), there are shadows everywhere. That was/is/wants to be safety. Even though it's a child's world.

I realized the other morning that I never got the tools I needed to deal with life. My mother was an alcoholic who kept us in the house--literally. We weren't exposed to much of the outside world. No contact with many family members, and no significant or longstanding family friends. And no healthy ones either since alcohol was the norm.

Therefore, when I get into AA meetings, I can hide at first, but the more I get to know people the more I feel unsafe, inept, and eventually dependent on someone else's leadings, examples, and pushes to get me to make my own moves. This is a real ego buster. But it's how I cope still.

I look forward to getting into a real men's group some day. One with men like me who want to live more, cry more, laugh more, feel safe more, and give each other strength. One day.

Alfred
 
Alfred,

These guys are giving you some good advice. Two sandwiches for lunch is probably not a problem for a grown man. Well, for Dagwood Bumstead, possibly. (Sorry, that should have gone to the Life Lessons from the comics thread . :) )

If you feel a lot of guilt over it, or connect abuse with food in your mind, then listen to what Scott said. Take your concern to a doctor or therapist. Don't let your mind run to the end of the earth with a problem. You are a survivor. You get through problems. Face this one down by calling in the right kind of help.

OK, I just saw your reply to Scott. If you are concerned about the effects of your mother's drinking, why not try an Al Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics group? I go to one that is very helpful to me. I even told them about the rapes, and I certainly wouldn't mention that in an AA meeting.

Good luck finding the mens' groups. It can be difficult, but I know it's not impossible. We as male survivors don't get a lot of press, so you'll need to work the phones to track down a group.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe,
I went to Al-Anon for a couple of years, and I still go occasionally. But were you able to share that in an Al-Anon meeting? I've felt safety before in meetings, but never to the depth that sexual abuse issues bring to a meeting.

ACOA? If that is where you found it, I could try it. I have big questions for you though. I used to go an ACOA group, but it was unregistered and we didn't have direction like I needed. The last time I popped in they were bring up Choprak (is that his name?) and any influence they seemed to like at the time. Too new agey for me since there were NO boundaries besides emotional considerations. If you go to ACOA meetings, how is the tone at yours? The direction? Order? Balance?

Finally, if you go to ACOA, how can you cope with the litany that one has to go through just to get to the meeting? They've got the problem, solution, and promises that take about 10 minutes to get through, and I would take in the "problem" and feel devalued afterwards. ("I didn't know I had all those problems")

Simple question:
How do you survive it?

Alfred
 
Alfred,

Mine is an Al Anon group. I have read the stuff for the ACOA meetings, but we don't go through that. I found the group because it was listed as an Adult Child meeting, but it's an "official" Al Anon group and we try to limit sharing to Al Anon issues. Most of us as adult children define them a little differently than the spouse of an actively drinking alcoholic would, I suppose. The bottom line seems to be our mutual respect and concern for one another. Reminds me of this place in that regard.

It's a small group of about 10 or so "regulars" and it took a while, but I did get to the point where I felt safe enough to disclose in a meeting. Most of the "regulars" were there that night. I have told them that I don't expect that group to be the group for dealing with the repurcussions of the rapes, but there was plenty of dysfunction at home before I ever met the perp, so I'm rarely left out of the discussions. It helps that this meeting is the same day as my Surviviors of Incest Anonymous, so I do both meetings and some household running around chores in an afternoon and evening once a week. With coming here, going to therapy, etc. I'm "covered."

Part of the reason I disclosed about the rapes is because the rapist was my AA sponsor. I felt like I was "hiding the crime" in "the family" even though AA and Al Anon are separate entities. I doubt that I could be the only adult child of an alcoholic to suffer sexual abuse, so it could become a discussion topic in a meeting someday, I suppose. Because I can come here and go to SIA, I might not say much in such a discussion, but the "regulars" in my group have heard the basics.

I'm not much for new age stuff, but if it helps someone live their life, more power to them. After all, for all I know there could possibly be people who would not enjoy wearing cardboard 3D glasses and eating pizza in a movie theater! :D (Saw SpyKids 3D last weekend.)

Thanks,

Joe
 
You're a trip, Joe. Thanks for the "cool" insight. Maybe being a little goofy today would help. Watching Harry Potter at the moment too. :D
 
Ooops!

I am a GOOD PERSON who may do good THINGS or bad THINGS but I am still a GOOD PERSON. Therapist Jake had me saying that like a mantra for years. Then I got it. Shame, for me, is about not BEING enough. And I refuse/refute/deny that claim that both the SA'er and my mother tried to put on me. I AM ENOUGH. I am still an alcoholic/addict/anxious eater/ex-smoker/masturbator/whatever. Those are behaviors, though. I am struggling to separate who I am from what I do. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes I believe the lies that were told to me, that I don't deserve good things in life, that I must "be a man," "tough it out," be self-sufficient. When I disappoint myself with my behavior, I become grateful to have a loving Higher Power who forgives me no matter what.

As for 12 step programs. I also went to ACOA for several years and plan to go back soon. Yes, it's hard to get past those readings, but they are for the newcomer. One thing my group did was to use the book, "12 Steps - A Way Out." We read the steps together and discussed them. But each member was free to put anything on the table when it came his/her turn to speak. We met in a room with a big U-shape of about 7 tables, with an open space. I used to refer to the open space between the tables as the "sewer," where I would vomit or crap as needed. Not a pretty sight, but it must be done. And some people may become uncomfortable. LET THEM - THAT'S THEIR STUFF. Stop being responsible for other people's feelings! Some will admire your courage to speak up. And you don't have to vomit it all at once. Take your time. You didn't get sick all at once - you won't get well all at once. The 12 steps are not "magic."

I have sponsored a few guys, around ACOA and AA both. One of them will call me and want to talk about a relationship problem or a sticky family situation or something around the meetings that they don't know how to handle. I'm amazed at the message I keep carrying to each of them - it's always the same: take care of yourself.

Be well, Alfred. You are a good person!

RickB
 
Alfred,

I'd just add to what the other guys are saying. Eating disorders are not the sole province of women. I, too, am a compulsive eater: 220 lbs. and only 5'10". For me, food is about comfort, love, and security. Discussing the issue with your therapist is a very good move.

Like Joe, I attend an "official" Al-Anon meeting that focuses on the Adult Child. What I've learned from the others in this group is that alcoholism is a breeding for sexual abuse. Several of us, male and female, are survivors of child sexual abuse. It is very safe for me to share there, because others truly do understand. By all means, look for a group you can feel comfortable with.

Hang in there. We're all here to listen and support you.

Tom
 
The things you guys share mean so much to me. I couldn't see my T tonight, but we talked on the phone. I told her I had "backup", referring to all of you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your genuineness, strength, and support. Thank you, all of you. You made my day easier.
Sincerely,
Alfred
 
Alfred,

usually, it seems that the 'food issues' are not that. We all have control issues, I think, because at the time we were abused, we did not have any. So, that control, that need for control, it can come in different ways. Some people work too much, some drink or do drugs, some have sexual disorders, some do self harm. It is a number of things that we do to ourselves, as a way to prove that 'I do have control now'. Unfortunately, we really don't. Because our 'control' over something usually causes harm to ourselves.

I have struggled with food problems for many years. As athelete who was sexually abused by my coach, I have bad thoughts of myself and my body. I have not eaten, I have made myself sick. I get stressed and have trouble to eat, or throw up, and I know that somehow inside, I am in more control of that then I think. I choose food as control thing, and sometime alcohol also. I still work at it, but i will gain real control on it one day.

I agree that you should talk with therapist and doctor of this. It is certainly not bad thing for grown man to eat more at one meal then usual. It is unusual to be preoccupied and concerned with it. That makes it seem like it is issue of control and fear for you, and worth to talk of.

leosha
 
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