I need advice

I need advice
A

angie

New Registrant
My husband and I have been married for three years. The other night after an argument, he confessed to me that he was sexually abused by his older cousin when he was young. He has kept this a secret for 20 years. I am the only person he has ever told. I am glad that he finally told someone, but I don't know how to help him. I don't want to push him to talk about it if he doesn't want to, but I think he needs to. I have been reading about some of the problems associated with abuse and I haven't noticed any in him, except being really passive. Is he hiding a lot or has he just dealt with it well? Can anyone tell me where to start because I love my husband and want to help him deal with this. Thank you.
 
Angie,

Listen, when he wants to talk.
Don't judge.
Be supportive.
Don't push.
Get the support you need.

Take care,
Bill
 
Thank you. I'm not pushing him, I'm just worried about him. Right now he said he's just glad that someone else knows.
 
You could always let him know about this place. From there it would be up to him to check us out.
 
Hey angie,

I have been reading about some of the problems associated with abuse and I haven't noticed any in him, except being really passive. Is he hiding a lot or has he just dealt with it well?
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There certainly is a lot to read about the problems associated with abuse... and there is no need for you to drive yourself crazy worrying about problems that your husband doesn't have. But, it probably can't hurt to let him know that it's okay for him NOT to hide himself around you, that you will love him just the same.

take care
SAR
 
Originally posted by SAR:
There certainly is a lot to read about the problems associated with abuse... and there is no need for you to drive yourself crazy worrying about problems that your husband doesn't have. But, it probably can't hurt to let him know that it's okay for him NOT to hide himself around you, that you will love him just the same.
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Agreed. Indeed dont let your mind wander after reading the things that "could" happen - I did that and it was pretty stressful and created some friction in my relationship. Keep communicating with your husband and take your cues from him.
 
Thank you all for your advice. I am upset for him and I want to do the right thing. I can't possibly imagine what he has gone through for 20 years without telling anyone. The abuse also happened to his sister...should I encourage him to talk to her about it?
 
Angie,

First of all, welcome. These ladies are some of the strongest women I have ever seen. And always willing to help.

Having said that, perhaps I can shed a little light on something for you.

As a survivor, on the outside, no one could see what was going on inside me. I hid it behind a wall so thick xrays couldn't penetrate it. But when I was by myself, that's when I showed it. Now that I am dealing with it, I am becoming more and more transparent. Not recovered by any stretch of the imagination.

I agree to let him tell what he wants, when he wants. Letting someone know can be very stressful, because I think, "Oh my God! What will they think of me now? That I'm a wimp?". It takes time.

Like Bill says, tell him about this site and let him decide whether to check it out. If he reads some of the stuff we survivors have written, he will see the similarities. But it has to be HIS recovery.

You can support him, but it is VERY important you take care of you too. I will leave it to the very capable supporters on the Friends and Family help you with that.

Thanks,

Marc
 
I haven't told many people, and there have been different reactions.

Read and research if that is helpful to you. It has helped me. But think about your loved one and your relationship. If things are truly good, and they really can be, I'm not convinced it is helpful to wonder about hidden problems. Again, this is based on my own experience as a survivor. Others may have different experiences.

My first therapist, who I think was very good, was more interested in working on the areas in my life about which I was unhappy than he was in focussing on the abuse. Of course, there was overlap, and then we had to talk through things.

But if you get nothing else from my response please, please pay attention to this.

If you are the first person he has told, and he knows and feels that you still love him just the same, than you have already done something wonderful.

It sounds like you have done this, and I get emotional just writing this to you.

Nothing, nothing, has helped me heal more those who loved me after I told.

I could go on about how hard it is to tell, about how some well-intentioned responses didn't feel that way, and about the remarks of doubters still gnaw at my soul.

But those precious few (2?), who believed without question and loved without condition, they are beautiful to me.
 
I would not rush your husband to this site.

I brought my wife here early on and she was absolutely disgusted. She still disapproves, so I check in secretely.

The first time I came here, I was confused and did not think it was for me. Later I came back and became a member very quickly. (I may start a threat by sharing my relationship with this site.)

About his sister or any others, I say give him a little more time. If you have created a safe space for him to talk, he may (or may not) let you know that he feels isolated or alone (or not) and then you can say there are others you know about to whom he can turn.

If the silence lasts too long for you, you might say you have some processing to do, too, and let him know how you're doing, including appropriate readings or whatever.

Or you might just say, "I've been thinking about you and am still ready to listen. Just know that."

Oops. Now I'm getting into what I wish someone would say to me.
 
I need to quickly fix what I just posted.

This site has been holy ground for me, and I encourage others to come, but if the timing is wrong, just let it go.

Also, my wife has a really hard time dealing with my past. As far as this site goes, she later explained that it was very, very sad.

But it isn't. Not all of it. Anyway, she doesn't have to come here if she doesn't want to.
 
Originally posted by learning2remember:
I need to quickly fix what I just posted.

This site has been holy ground for me, and I encourage others to come, but if the timing is wrong, just let it go.

Also, my wife has a really hard time dealing with my past. As far as this site goes, she later explained that it was very, very sad.

But it isn't. Not all of it. Anyway, she doesn't have to come here if she doesn't want to.
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No she doesnt have to come here. And for the record, from a partners point of view, it is hard for partners to come to accept what has happened to our partners in the past.. not because we are shocked, disgusted, etc.. but because it is so overwhelming we sometimes dont know WHAT to think! I had to battle anger for YEARS AND YEARS at my partner's perp (still do) as well as try to sort out all the various threads of emotions (there are so many all intertwining) before I could start to come to grips with what happened. I especially had a hard time accepting his acting out, his drug use and drinking history. Its pretty awful if you take it out of context and look at it in a punitive way - it has taken me awhile to put it in the context of pity and compassion and when I do so it does not bother me so much.

There are also people who come here who may be repressing memories of their own who get subconsciously triggered by thinking of something like this.

I think people who push away the survivor or this site are not rejecting the survivor but are in fact, unable to proces the full range of emotions that comes along with this knowledge.

This site is NOT a sad place at all. I dont see it as that in one bit. It doesnt serve ANYONE to keep horrible stuff like this inside - from what I am learning from professionals (psychologists, therapists, social workers) the biggest problem with SA is the NOT TALKING ABOUT IT, not even the incident itself can compare to the psychological, emotional and physical damage of keeping something like this inside for so long.

I see people on here talking openly and freely about things that are difficult, hard, and would probably baffle and freak out most of the "normal" population ("normal" deliberately in quotes) - to me this place is so uplifting and so life affirming, that we all dont quit in the face of adversity, that we all struggle to come to more and more understanding in spite of the pain and the fear.

You all continuously dazzle and amaze me with your collective courage and honesty!!!!
 
I don't know what to say, except that if your husband told you, it's possibly because he wants to do something about this.

I found that reading Mike Lew's book Victims No Longer really was great for me. Perhaps you can suggest that your husband read it. I wouldn't get it for him w/o asking him about it first. You may already know this, but if not I'd just point out that I think for most survivors the fear that someone will find out about our past is overwhelming.

It sounds stupid, I know, but when I first read the book I did so in the library, not even in my hometown, because I didn't want to risk being seen buying it in a bookstore.
 
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