I need advice here please

I need advice here please
I

Iantt

Registrant
I've read a lot of the posts here in the Family and Freinds forum and I think I am a bit unique. As I seem to be the only gay family member of a survivor. If that puts you off, I'm sorry. But I need help as much as anyone.

My boyfriend says he thinks it was a mistake to come here. Why? Because we are a couple. And he says that he is worried about me being hurt. But that is just him. Covering up his own feelings by saying it's for me. But I know better. He says that I don't understand and I don't. He's right.

How do I reach him? I am the spouse of a survivor and I have no experience in this area. We are in couples' counseling, but he won't bring this up there. What can I do? Please help me to understand, ok?

Thank you for any help.

Ian
 
Ian,
Hi - you're the spouse of a survivor. I personally dont think sexuality has a hill of beans to do with your role as a partner? maybe it does and I am just unaware.
I do know this much, in the past 3 yrs since my own spouse (we're separated) disclosed so much it has been a horrible rough road. Without the support of others on this board, my therapist and my closest friends I am not sure I would have the few faculties left that I do have.
I personally dont know if I will ever "understand", quite simply because I cannot read my partners mind. I can only try to comprehend what and IF he shares with me. I can listen, and I can process a lot of that info with my own personal therapist which helps tons -- but just listening and asking questions seems to be about the best way I have found. when I notice he begins to shut down or withdraw, then I back off and give him space.

perhaps asking your partner if YOU can bring the subject up during couples counseling will help take the heat off of your partner. It is a huge secret that is held for so many yrs, and you may have to just accept that your partner is just not ready to disclose yet. Being sure to ASK your partner first before you disclose ANY personal info. Remember this is most likely the greatest biggest heaviest secret your partner has ever held and for most of their life, at least since the incident of sexual abuse.
Having just shared the information of the abuse with you, your partner may be still frightened to death of WHAT if ANYTHING YOU may do with that secret. Its horrifying to let the information go -- I remember the first time I told, and even when my partner first told. We each went through periods of feelings of what I can only describe as "paranoia"'. Why? Because when our abuse happenned not only were we told by our abusers to keep the secrets, there was much violence attached to the aabuse that emphasized that violence would and could happen IF we told.
Try to be patient, with your partner -- surround yourself with as much support for YOURSELF as you possibly can.
If you do not already have an individual counselor or therapist for EACH of you I highly encourage this. There may be some things your partner is too embarrassed or ashamed to share with even you yet...
the POWER behind a sexual abuser is huge against a child.... unddoing years of damage takes a long time.....
I wish you luck and I am sure that more folks will come along with even more information for you. there are article on this site I encourage you to read to help you understand your partners situation...
May Peace come to you and your partner
Sammy
 
Ian,

Sammy is right, knowledge is the very best weapon.

There are some great articles on this site, many of them are written by survivors, or with survivors (rather than partners) in mind, but it will probably help you to understand where your partner is coming from.

The material online for secondary survivors is not always so great in my experience-- sometimes you run into lengthy do/don't lists that are long on what NOT to do, and short on real advice. But this stuff was validating to me too-- it was nice just to see in print that I was entitled to my own complicated feelings about what had happened to my partner.

I think for my boyfriend, his biggest fear after his disclosure to me was that I would see him differently, or see our relationship as forever changed-- it was important that we make time to get out and have fun, do the same things we always did together. He needed a lot of reassurance but also a lot of space. It also did matter to him that he'd hurt me, or was hurting me-- I had to be careful to be angry and sorry for him on my own time.

I made my own choice, early on, to let his healing be as self-directed as possible, only sharing my concerns or opinions when some issue had relevance for our relationship/family. It was hard to trust him to take care of it because I believed that our future together really depended on his healing-- there were times I was really scared that he didn't want to do the work-- but once he got around to doing it, things improved so quickly, much quicker I think than if I'd been pushing him.

Of course in the months before he started therapy I probably put up 400 posts on this board :rolleyes:

Stick around Ian, we're all in this together.
 
Thanks, guys. But I am listening. And trying to support him. And all he does is push me away. He went out tonight saying he had to be away from me. January 2nd will be our fifteenth anniversary.

I feel like I did something wrong. I don't even know what. I ask and he doesn't answer except to say that I am not the problem, he is. He was never like this before. I told him he needed to see a therapist and his answer was "So you think I am crazy too". I don't know how to answer that. I don't think he is crazy at all. I know this man. And he is falling apart around me. He is scared of everything, it seems.

I am getting angry myself. Because no matter what I do, it's not good enough for him. I love him and hate him right now.

Ian
 
I am so sorry that any of us have to go through this.

Ian, sometimes it's most important for him just to know that your support is there. Even if he doesn't take advantage of it. He needs to know that you are supporting him for him, when and how he needs it. He is testing your trust.

You have to realize, it is not about you. What's happening with him now is between him and his past. The healthier and more capable you can be for yourself, the more likely he will be to lean on you. I know it's hard to get your mind off, but try to go on with your own life, focus on yourself and taking care of yourself.

People who want to grow and recover find themselves paying a lot of attention to healthy people, healthy places. Even when they don't yet know how to get free from the negative stuff, there is something about the positive that they seek out. The better you are for yourself, the better you will be for him.

They fall apart, we have to pick up the pieces. It's not fair. But when he is ready to see it, that you were there for him to pick him up again, it changes everything. I have been with my partner for eight years and each of us has been amazed at the strength the other has shown through all of this. It is a renewing experience.
 
My best advice is to be open, honest, talk about things, and listen. Please remember that contexts of conversations change. Every time that something is talked about, it is under a different context. This is part of the things that are causing him stress and confusion. The contexts shift without him fully realizing it. When you do talk about things, give him a chance to explain what context he is looking at them from. If he doesn't volunteer that information, let him know if you don't understand what is going on and ask him to explain stuff from his point of view. Staying open and honest with yourselves and each other is best for both of you. It will help you to discuss things rather than become overwhelmed by them. Remember, none of it is set in stone. Things appear to be black and white. Whether they are black and white or not doesn't matter because the context changes. What appears to be the answer one moment may make no sense shortly after. Communication is key. It is also one of the hardest things to get a survivor to do.
 
Ian
as survivors we take our time to start talking openly, and sometimes we need a prod with a sharp stick. But it's knowing / guessing how hard to prod us. If it's too hard we're likely to grab the stick and beat you with it, and we can be very unforgiving.

It's a very personal thing, and possibly 1-2-1 counselling for him might be a better place for him to disclose and start dealing with his abuse?

Dave
 
It is so comforting to know that I am not the only one in a love hate relationship. I just found this website a couple of days ago and have been addicted to it. I have known my husband's secret for two and a half years now and it may have come up once briefly since his telling it to me in an email. Communication is so difficult for my spouse we are currently seperated by his choice because he can not talk to me. I had no idea there was even a problem. As crazy as that sounds. I have learned not to push because I push him away. It is all about control. Or atleast in my situation. I think the past has festered in him so long that any kind of discipline or control to him is sufficating almost. I swear I have never tried to control him in any way but I truly believe he sees me trying too. It is so frustrating. I love him. I wish he could just be happy with knowing that.
 
It has been stated many time here but it may need emphasis: SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If it feels like abuse, it probably is. I wish all a NEW YEAR 2005 full of healing, peace and joy.
 
Thanks to all,
what everyone said here meant a lot to me- Mike's comments about context is so true- thanks for shedding light on that- i've experienced it but not organized what it was into thoughts/words.
and to Iannt- I agree with what others said, partner gender makes no difference- it's the same dynamic and you so belong here! and I had to laugh (in recognition) re: Dave's words about the "prod"- again, an Exact term my bf used when explaining something similar to me... thanks to all....
 
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